The Coodabeen Champions Competition

The Coodabeen Champions    Competition

Round Two

Suggest ONE innovation that can rid Footy of the curse of boredom!

Date: Sat, 07 Apr 2001 02:09:10 -0000 From: John Nostradamus

Dear Coodabeens,

The rule change I propose is a simple one but would negate a number of irritating modern trends, including 300 uncontested chest marks per team per match, and the traditional Grand Final "blow out".

The rule change:

"All AFL matches shall be a contest between 3 teams, with the winning team receiving 4 premiership points, the 2nd placed team 2 points, and the last placed team none."

Obviously that would require a circular ground with 3 sets of goal posts at 120 degree intervals, thirds rather than quarters, a centre hexagonal, and a 15 team competition.

Competition Entry 2

Proposed rule change to bring back the unpredictability of the game:

"The Siren which signals the end of each quarter shall be wired up in such a way as to sound automatically at any random moment between the 10 minute and 35 minute mark."

Competition Entry 3

Proposal:

Instead of a countdown clock on the scoreboard, install a "cumulative point system of boringness" clock. As soon as a team reaches 100 points on the Parkin boring scale during a match they are fouled out and lose the match, regardless of how far they happen to be in front.

Steve Edmonds

Date: Sat, 7 Apr 2001 12:33:40 +1000 From: John O'Connell

Modern football has become a possession game where every team's creed is "Don't kick to a contest".

To eliminate this boring aspect of football and return to the days of one on one contests, the people at the AFL, they know who they are, should make a rule that all teams must wear the same jumpers.

I can visualise Fletcher cleaning up at the back of a pack, Wellman peeling off towards the wing, Fletcher noticing player's with the same jumper heading for the same vicinity of the ground and thinking Wellman's got support, but as he kicks the ball he realises they are opposition players and he's kicked to a contest!

To allow some distinction and increase club's revenue streams a 3cm square on the left breastİshould be available for the sponsor's logo. This would have the added benefit of measuring that football cliche "He's got great vision". If a player continually passes to a team-mate he really must have great vision.

There would be no need to separate the cheer squads, they could both sit together. It would alsoİremove some of the interstate teams home grown advantage. St. Kilda players (they're a bit slower than the rest) would look into the stands at Subiaco and think all their supporters have made the trip to the West.

It would also make life easier for the parents of young children who buy thier child a Western Bulldogs jumper only to find out a week later that the child has a new best friend who is a Geelong supporter soİnow they barrack for the Cats. Now there would be no need toİbuy a new jumper.

As all clubs would want their original colours represented, the new jumper design could be based on the West Coast away jumper, the technicolor dreamcoat.

John O'Connell Strathmore

Date: Sat, 7 Apr 2001 12:36:58 +1000 From: M Fordred

To remove the boredom and make the game more interesting, the AFL need to take a leaf from the game of baseball with each team permitted to take the field with a designated hitter!

Date: Sun, 8 Apr 2001 07:27:35 +1000 From: Paul Hetrelezis

My suggestion to make the game more of interest is to broadcast episodes of "The Jerry Springer Show" during half-time on the main scoreboard screen. This has got little to do with football but the show has got little to do with anything and remember there is never a dull moment on the show.

Regards Paul Hetrel-ez-is

Date: Sun, 8 Apr 2001 09:15:32 +1000 From: Irwin Hirsh

Hi,

In order to reduce the boredom of the current AFL competition I'd introduce a rule that doesn't allow Essendon to take the field.

Irwin Hirsh | hirsh@bigpond.net.au

Date: Sun, 8 Apr 2001 17:07:09 +1000 From: Jac & Pete

Football is boring Reality TV is exciting! NEW RULE: When team A kicks a goal one of their players is 'voted off' the ground by his fellow players.İ The player who kicks the goal has 'immunity' and can't be voted off.

The players choose which of their fellow players goes OR can;
1. ask the audience (each club member in the crowd has an electronic voting pad with results on the scoreboard).
2. phone a friend - in the coach's box
3. play 50/50 - 2 team A players selected by team B, toss a coin and the loser goes.

As the player voted off takes 'the walk of shame' from the ground the opposing team supporters will yell 'Goodbye - you are the weakest link'.

This rule will reduce boring football because;
1. If one team (eg:Essendon) kicks several goals in a row they will play with several players less, meaning the second team should catch up.
2. near the end of the game the leading team can't play 'keepings off' because there will only be a couple of players from each team left.
3. Increased crowd participation.

A further advantage of this rule would be increased club memberships as everyone wants to vote off their least liked player (even my wife would participate!!!)

Peter Kilgour

Date: Sun, 8 Apr 2001 17:50:57 +1000 From: Neil Hasankolli

The best innovation would be is to get rid of the boundary rider.İ Remove the Big Dipper with hisİbad Porky Pig impersonation of der der der um um um every time he speaks would cut the boredom out of football for all those suffering TV watchers.

Neil Kolli

ps I thought Cuthbertson would have won last weeks comp.İ He played a handful of games for Melbourne but killed Collingwood every time he played them.

Date: Sun, 8 Apr 2001 18:27:40 +1000 From: lyn chapman

Michael Jackson rif: CAN YOU FEEL IT......

When the fans anticipate, as their walking through the gate oh yeah, will their side be there, in the sweet september air oh yeah,this is football,its australian,can you feel it,yeah its football, its australian,can you feel it,the first quarters here you can feel the atmosphere oh yeah, as the ball hits the ground the fans are jumping up and down, yeah its football, its australian, can you feel it, yeah its football, its australian can you feel it, the second quarters here your side is kicking clear oh yeah, the coach wants to know why his side is so low oh yeah,because this is football, its australian can you feel it, yeah its football, its australian can you feel it, the third quarter is here the coaches are pleased oh yeah, both sides are there in the sweet september air oh yeah, this is football, its australian,can you feel it, yeah its football, its australian, can you feel it,the fourth quarters here, you can taste the atmosphere, oh yeah, the crowd is going mad, as their sides begin to lag, oh yeah, there will be one side there in the sweet september air, oh yeah, this is football, its australian, can you feel it, yeah its football its australian can you feel it...........

Date: Sun, 08 Apr 2001 18:07:35 +1000 From: Julian Toohey

gday fellas,

the first thing i would say in order to brighten up this dull game of ours, is unrelated to the actual game, i have been thinking it through and concluded that if there was some sort of game before the seniors, people might become interested.İ This could be known as the reserves or something along those lines.

Since the peanut man at princes park ceases to exist, maybe colonial stadium, the home of football for the general football follower, putting the paying public first, could modify the idea of a peanut man, to have a oriental cuisine man/lady, who roves the ground in a golf cart type of vehicle, selling sumptious delicacies such as tandoori wraps, baguettes, lemon ruskis and the favourite food for football conisuers, sushi.

love the show adios

Julian Toohey

Date: Mon, 9 Apr 2001 10:02:20 +1000 From: Craig Wilson

To stop the game being boring..... is simple, in short, No Shorts. The players to be totally bottomless!

Just think....... * A new meaning when the crowd yells "ball". * We will get to see if those glamerous Hawthorn boys are all they are "cracked up" to be. * Ang would not feel lonely in his exposed state. * We will be able to truly evaluate there is a benefit in having a helmet. * Share in a collective "bummer" when your team loses. * Get to see if Che from Port Adelaide really lives up to his name. * A new challenge in kicking to a "stiff breeze". * Lastly, but definitely not least, have a true appreciation for Anfony Rocca and realise he has the best endurance in the AFL, and has to run around with such a lead weight for a whole game. Most blokes would be puffing in the first 10 seconds of a game not the twenty that it takes Anfony. It may sway women to barrack for Collingwood, naah I take that back, it would only attract men who think they're women.

Lyn Cotsworth

Date: Mon, 9 Apr 2001 10:34:54 +1000 From: grant

Dear Coodabeens, The one rule that I believe would eliminate boredom in football would be to create 2 divisions. Essington can be in Division 1 and the rest can be in division 2 except for Adelaide which could be in Division 3

Grant Wodonga

Date: Mon, 9 Apr 2001 10:35:23 +1000 From: Peter O'Sullivan

The rid footy of boredom the AFL should introduce "the Johnson Rule ".

Under " the Johnson Rule " each club would be restricted to only one "Johnson" on theirİlist.

Under " the Johnson Rule " commentary of AFL games would be far more entertaining.

No more " Johnson to Johnson " plays Kind Regards

Peter O'Sullivan

Date: Mon, 9 Apr 2001 04:45:32 +1000 From: Adrian Jackson

When I'm playing poker with my mates and things get a bit slow, we introduce a couple of Jokers to the deck, as WILD CARDS.

That's my solution for AFL : give each coach a WILD CARD at the start of the game, valid for 15 minutes at any stage of the game. They can make one change to the game of their choice, valid for that 15-minute period.

Imagine if John Northey had been able to play his wild card at the end of the '87 preliminary final : he could have taken over as timekeeper, and blown the siren BEFORE Buckenara took that mark. Jimmy Stynes could have run wherever he liked !

Some possibilities that spring to mind :

* the coach could do away with the 'holding the man' rule for part of the game (superfluous for Wayne Brittain, of course) * Kevin Sheedy might don a Martian suit, grab a whistle, and take over the umpiring * Mick Malthouse might elect to keep Anthony Rocca in the game, by letting him drive a golf car from one contest to the next * for those games when no. 18 is absent, Denis Pagan could be permitted to erect a large sign 30 metres out from goal saying HE'S NOT HERE !, thereby helping his players to think of alternative avenues to goal * when Richmond next plays the Dogs, Danny Frawley might bring on Mike Tyson for 15 minutes, just to tag Libbaİ

Really, the potential is unlimited.

cheers Adrian Jackson Blackburn

Date: Mon, 9 Apr 2001 12:54:03 +1000 From: Peter O'Sullivan

To rid footy of boredom perhaps the AFL could introduce Celebrity Guest Umpires

Each week, the match of the day would be umpiredİby a Celebrity Guest

eg. Australian of the Yearİ Maj Gen Cosgrove might umpire the ANZAC Day clash betweenİEssendon and Collingwood Former Business Tycoon Alan Bond might officiate in the Western Derby between West Coast and Fremantle 1984 Olympic Gold Medallist Dean Lukin might umpire the South Australian Derby Adelaide vs Port Power

This would make the game a lot more interesting.

Kind Regards

Peter O'Sullivan

Date: Mon, 9 Apr 2001 15:28:33 +1000 From: Rohan_Walker@ansett.com.au

A new innovation to the game, to be known affectionately as parko's 'hot potato' rule.

The concept being that each team has at its disposal two 'hot potatoes' per quarter but limited to one 'hot potato' per exchange.

It works off the interchange whereby a player coming of the bench brings another Sherrin into play, effectively creating two 'plays'.

Designed to break down the 'set play' and 'running down the clock' concepts, the 'hot potato' remains in play until a score is achieved with it, where it is then taken back to the participating bench ready for its next use.

The 'hot potato' could be just the thing to bring the game back to the fans that would undoubtedly become the new catch cry of the AFL.

'Hot Potato, Hot Potato'

The Wiggles at the Grand Final sing-a-thon

I'd like to see that !!!!

-If this one was to fail there's another one that involves paint ball guns, fan participation and the blood rule but that's another story.

Rohan East Ringwood

Date: Mon, 9 Apr 2001 17:45:17 +1000 From: Jeremy King

As we here at Interface are trying to outbid our rivals to sponsor the 2002 Premiership season. Our main bidding strategy and Anti Boredom plan - whichİwill be presented in the penultimate round , to whoever runs the AFL now, by Dennis Cometti's Barber - is simply this.

There will be a short fat man in white overalls and highly polished Jenkins Hightops standing near theİinterchange box who has an obvious difficulty in sprinting anywhere and stays relatively stationary the whole match.

He will have 15 brand new Footies in the hessian bag he used to go yabbying at Drysdale 2 days prior,minus Yabbies.

The teams take the field in normal fashion and start playing.....

However, like in one ofİour favourite pastime ... each time theİteam reaches a certain increment of points... the fat bloke kicks another footy into play. All hell breaks loose of course!

This will certainly be more entertaining than watching a Premiership certainty "go through the motions" until that one day in September.

The "fat man kick in level" will be Pro Rata forİeach match, and overruled by the AFL to favour struggling Interstate sides, and of course Essendon.

At the end of each quater all the balls are kicked back (except one) to the fat man, and theİnew quater starts with just one ball.

However, to stop Melbourne fans evacuating the red plastic chairs at the G and going home early..... at the end of the game thereİwill be a random computer generated numberİpublished on the scoreboard- 30 seconds after the final sirenİand this will give the possibility of your team getting "matchies" and winning the game with a losing score.

Thanks

"Peace to you all" ( I heard Johny Kanis say that at his house once in Cromwell Crescent whilst playing air guitar to the lime spiders)

Jeremy King MD - Interface Recruitment PS I follow the Tigers

Date: Wed, 11 Apr 2001 07:58:05 +1000 From: David Purcell

One innovation to rid footy of boredom would be to select a team and them come game day substitute the selected player with the girl that he would bring with him to the Brownlow Medal count. These 22 women would then play off for each teams premiership points.İ If your team gets flogged it would still be prettier to watch.İ As a by-product the incidence of serious knee injuries to highly paid footballers would also be reduced, thereby extending their careers.

David Purcell

Date: Mon, 9 Apr 2001 20:46:14 +1000 From: Michele Blight

Dear Simon,

Here is my entry to relieve boredom.

Press Release from the AFL

In a bid to remove the boredom from the AFL, CEO Wayne Jackson today called a press conference to announce an exciting rule, which generates a whole new statistic count.

Mr Jackson said that the "AFL had heard the complaints of the people and was duty bound to respond."

Mr Jackson then informed the hushed media throng of the new statistic introduced under the "Hopoate Law" is the "Wedgie Count"

Mr Jackson said that it was a rule that "we having been moving towards for the last few years as the players shorts have gradually become more baggy. Basically we feel the time is now right as with all those baggy shorts, a player can now get a really good grip and give a really good old fashioned wedgie."

And unlike other statistics which focus on actions and results involving opposition teams, this new and exciting rule will result in points being gained for wedgies perpetrated on their own team mates, a common occurrence when lifting up a smaller player from the ground after a tackle.

At the end of the season the player who has given the most wedgies will receive the "Warwick Capper" in recognition of Warwick’s contribution to wedgies. Mr Jackson said "it seems logical to name the award after Warwick as those red shorts of his were one permanent wedgie."

In the formal rule release it was noted that there are specific techniques that must be adhered to when performing a wedgie. The perfect wedgie involves gripping the top of the back of the shorts and lifting whilst points will be deducted for wedgies that go too far and result in unwanted intrusions. "There is simply no place for that sort of thing in our game," said Mr Jackson.

In a surprise move after the press conference, the NRL expressed interest in the same law.

***************** Michele Blight

Date: Mon, 9 Apr 2001 22:59:22 +1000 From: craigcoombes

Simple this one..get rid of the umpires, that would end the boredom. Then last weeks encounter between Richmond and Western Bulldogs would have been a beauty...100 minutes of good old fashioned, unrestrained biffo..no video evidence would have been available either because of some hiccup at C7 and the players cone of silence would have been in place so all 44 players involved would be free to play next round too.

Craig Coombes

Date: Tue, 10 Apr 2001 09:49:04 +1000 From: Petherick Family

Clearly the way to rid the competition of boredom is to get the crowd more involved in what is happening & to get them up to that holy grail of excitability - "fever pitch". To do this we need to give the umpires free range to express themselves in the way we all know they want to. To simultaneously allow them to spice up the game & to be the centre of attention is a win-win outcome that we all could support. And all we have to do to achieve this is to change their title to better reflect what we already know about their role. Throw away all pretense of the umpire as the neutral arbiter of the rules of the game & call them a "Handicapper". As in "and the handicappers for todays game are Hayden Kennedy, Peter Carey(who would clearly make a comeback if this rule were introduced) and Rowan Sawyers. I have heard Jim Bowler explain his role as handicapper for the Melbourne Cup by saying his job is to try to get all horses to the finish line at about the same time. This would clearly work for footy. You can just picture it - Collingwood has skipped 8 goals clear of Carlton at half time in a crucial match, but after a Jeff Gieschen tongue lashing the umpires come into their own in the second half awarding a series of very dubious decisions that bring Carlton inexorably closer until, with only seconds to go a 50 metre penalty against Nathan Buckley, which Handicapper Carey stretches out to about 80 metres, brings Anthony Franchina within about 20 metres of goal & he dully slots it to give Carlton a memorable victory. I think the crowd would be pretty "excited" at this point.

David Petherick

Date: Tue, 10 Apr 2001 10:58:58 +1000 From: Vance

The situation is something like this - As the ball is forced out of bounds for the umteenth time in the dead pocket ( note another defect at Colonial, is there are 4 dead pockets) Rexys voice is suddenly live on the P.A with the call "MULTI BALL" and the fans kick all the balls booted into the crowd by the players prior to the start of the game back onto the arena. I would expect Ronny Barrasi and his 4 goal umpires could be handy.

Date: Tue, 10 Apr 2001 11:07:19 +1000 From: David Purcell

My one innovation to rid the game of boredom is the introduction of the "speckie rule".

A player marking the ball inside the 50 metre arc may either have a conventional shot for goal for 6 points or elect to try for a "speckie". If an election for a "speckie" is made the player nominates one player from the opposing team. That player must then stand the mark with his back towards the player having taken the mark. The umpire then bounces the ball near the player on the mark whilst the other player runs and jumps onto his back and trys to take a "speckie". If the speckie is grabbed the player then is entitled to a set shot for goal with the goal worth 9 points. If the speckie is missed it is play on.

David Purcell

Date: Tue, 10 Apr 2001 14:14:22 +1000 From: Glenn

Hello Chaps,

a couple of new rules to liven things up.

1/. A player marking the ball in the clear may run 27 meters, without bouncing, directly at an opposition player, at which time he shall ram his head into the opposition players stomach - this shall result in a free kick for a head high tackle.

Bugger, they've already got that one.

2/. When a forward marks the ball on the attacking 50 line, the defend may vigorously and repeatedly, punch the forward in the back of the head until he drops the ball. If the forward fails to drop the ball by the time he land on the ground - conscious or otherwise - the defender may plummet his knees into the opponents spine until such time as he releases the ball - voluntarily or otherwise; this shall be deemed as play on.

Bugger!! They've got that on as well.

Regards, Glenn from Newport

Date: Tue, 10 Apr 2001 15:40:46 +1000 From: Tim Goddard

Given the standing of one Whelan,S. in both the footballing and legalistic(???) fraternities, I presume that any correspondence pertaining to the 'greater good' would be passed on to those with real influence. The Coodabeens are, in the end, a conduit for all things good, irreverent and ridiculous in football.

This being the case, any innovations which may relive football of its alleged boredom, must not be undertaken in isolation. Other sports and codes have tossed up ideas for years, with the standouts being:

BASKETBALL: During the late seventies they made the ball bigger than the hoop. This caused all games to be canceled, relieving everyone of the boredom which is Basketball. Unfortunately, the decision was reversed.

CRICKET: The 'One Day Paradox' as it is known, still exists to this day. A truncated version of the longer game was inflicted upon the public to relieve the sorry state of Test cricket and to create a 'level of cricketing excitement which will know no bounds'. In actual fact, the one day game became so boring that it made the Tests more exciting. Oops.

SURFING: Another strange one. Shortboards evolved out of the desire to 'liven things up a bit'. Longboards died. They were too boring. But as those who initially invented and pioneered the shortboards grew larger and older, they reinvented the longboard to relieve them of the boredom and frustration of struggling on a shortboard. Who would have thought?

The wheel continues to turn.

FOOTBALL: The Corporate World of today expects a clean image. Rules have been reinterpreted, new laws introduced, all in desire to rid footy of its 'ugliness'. Supporters hated the sanitisation of the game. 'What's wrong with a good ol' king hit?" " Shirt fronts are a part of the game!". Then, suddenly, 'it's on'. Everyone complains about the behaviour of a player, causing the game to become more sanitised, alienating the very supporters who whinged about 'The Incident' in the first place.

As you can see, it's very messy out there.

How to relieve the boredom? Easy. All it requires is a realignment of the actual meaning of boredom. I am sure those at the OED (Oxford English Dictionary) would do it. After all, how bored would they be? Do not be surprised to read in the next edition of the OED;

Boredom / n. having fun in the sun

Sorted.

Tim g

Date: Tue, 10 Apr 2001 17:48:10 +1000 From: Matt Laing

Hi Coodabeens,Good to hear youse on the wireless. To rid the boredom factor from our game the following rule will be implied. It shall be known as the Daley Thompson rule. From now on qoutes such as "He can run all day, he can jump, infact he is a superb all round athlete and in a few years time when he learns about the game he will become an excellent senior player" or phrases to this extent by recruiters or any body associated with an AFL club will have this player imediately excluded from the next draft. The player will then be sent to the AIS and participate in the sport that best suits him such as athletics or basketball or even European Handball. Surely Athens 2004 can be their new focus. No longer will preseason tests on aerobic capacity, jumping, stretching take place. Instead, cheksides from the wrong pocket, torpedoes from outside 50, 'hangers' and blind turns will become the pre-requisite for signing up for the draft. Even the appearance of a player may be included in determining eligibility for the draft. Mullet haircuts, peroxide, tattoos and body jewellry could stack in favour of the potential recruit. To ensure the rule is not broken players such as Daicos, Capper, Greg Williams, Newman, Brereton, Langdon,Doc Wheildon and Andrew Jarman willİform a committe known as theİDaley ThompsonİSquad and shall also be able to referİcurrent playing bores such as Misiti and Wellman to the tribunal.

Matty Laing

Date: Tue, 10 Apr 2001 21:23:24 +1000 From: Jeffrey Ferguson

Congatulations on the ratings.

Here's a few radical ideas to relieve the bordom of football.

1. Play all the games on a Saturday Afternoon!!!!!

2. Get Javad Miandad to coach Essendon - then we will never be able to predict if they are going to win.

3. Bring back the reserves - remember them!

4. No interchange bench ! (This is just an idea to annoy Kevin Sheedy).

5. Turn on the sprinklers half way through each quarter!

Regards

Jeffrey Ferguson

Date: Wed, 11 Apr 2001 08:19:46 +1000 From: JACK MCNEILLY

Channel 7 has already instigated a revelation that stops footy being boring, no more down the ground vision. This will not only make the game more exciting, but we can look forward to many more seasons featuring T. Liberatore. Or as an anagram of his name states, tiny tool bearer.

Date: Wed, 11 Apr 2001 09:27:11 +1000 From: "Treseder, Peter"

Simon, The one thing that could make the AFL more exciting can be summarised in two words. Vince McMahon - The head of the WWF and now the WCW. The AFL has to move football from the world of sport (woof woof) into the world of sports entertainment. Lets no longer have the club song played when each team comes out, but each player comes down the race individually to their own introduction music. Each player then gets a cheer as they enter apart from the one player every team has that the fans hate, they can be booed. Female sexuality could be introduced, this was tried in the 80's with the Bluebirds, Swanettes and to a certain degree the Richmond "Tetley Teabags". Just imagine players coming out onto the ground with their valet in appropriate evening attire. It would be like Brownlow night every weekend. Every now and then the valets could fight with the appropriate ripping and tearing of the evening wear. Players could give pre/post game interviews where they could mouth off against the opposition with claims of what they will do to them. Finally, imagine the roar of the crowd when an umpire gets "accidently" knocked out during the play and cannot blow the whistle to pay the obvious free kick that would determine the result of the game. Peter "Trash" Treseder

Date: Wed, 11 Apr 2001 01:07:09 From: andrew walby

Immediately change the competition to 15 teams with teams 2 through 16 on the current ladder (as at round 2). This will remove the predictability of the entire 2001 season and re-introduce the bye (and with it the match ratio). Andrew Walby

Date: Wed, 11 Apr 2001 13:52:16 +1000 From: Bill Hall

I know you said ONE innovation, but I have thought of three. It's possible that someone else has come up with similar ideas, since they are all so glaringly obvious. They are: İ PLAN ONE İ You are at the footy. Your team runs out onto the ground, and what do you see? 22 players in football gear and one mascot in a mascot costume. How boring. How much more interesting if, charging through the giant banner, came 22 players in mascot costumes, and one mascot in football gear. Modern footballers are boring. All six foot plus, ultra-fit, incapable of a spontaneous thought or action. They are like robots. Robots are boring. Who wants to watch a bunch of boring robots running around all day? Not me. But put these robots in a large foam suit, designed to look like a cartoonishly anthropomorphic cat, aeroplane, lightning bolt or anchor, and you have a recipe for entertainment. Silky skills, centimetre perfect delivery (by hand or foot), booming torpedoes from outside the 50 metre line, who needs it? Who wouldn't rather see a bunch of lovably clownish characters stumbling about as they attempt to kick the ball with their long, floppy foam feet and mark and handball with their comically outsized, four-fingered foam hands? Brilliant!İIt'll certainly bring the families back to football. Rename the pre-season comp the Ansett Cup on Ice and play it at the Myer Music Bowl. Why not? Also, the traditional pre-match fight between mascots will be immeasurably improved as the mascots, finally free of their cumbersome outfits,İcan at last get it on, toe-to-toe, no holds barred, bare knuckle style. Old grudges will be resurrected, old scores settled, as overweight, bespectacled cheer-squad members, their arms and legs glistening oilily in the sun, duke it out tho the delight of the assembled throng, bringing the excitement level to a fever pitch before the first bounce... İ PLAN TWO İ The AFL seasonİis too long. By the time September rolls around you are sick to death of the whole thing, taking what comfort you can from the knowledge that in four weeks you will be able to get out on the park and bowl a few off-breaks and have a go at the slog-sweep which you have seen Steve Waugh using so effectively. So the footy season's too long. Long footy seasons are boring. Crowds are down. Small crowds are boring. You go to the footy and see one team play another team. One team wins, the other team loses. How boring. The solution? Simple - just put an extra set of goalposts on either wing and have four teams all playing at once - one game, one ball, four teams, how great would that be? The season's half as long, crowds are twice as big, badda-bing badda-boom, everybody's happy. Carlton vs Collingwood, that's not a blockbuster. Carlton vs Collingwood vs Essendon vs Richmond, now that's a blockbuster! Picture the scene: Round 11, finals start next week, the final eight wide open. Carlton is kicking to the Punt Road end, Collingwood to the City end, Essendon to the Hilton Hotelİend, and Richmond, with first use of the breeze, to the Swan Street end. The umpire bounces the ball: (just the one umpire: the modern game is over-officiated. Over-officiated games are boring.) Four gangly ruckmen come charging in from all points of the compass, the ball is knocked to the ground where 12 leather-hungry midfielders pounce on it in a mad scramble (clean, efficient football is boring). Up the guts is the way to go, since each wing is also an opponent's goal. Sensational! Twice the players, twice the action! Instead of boring old four points for a win, none for a loss, it will now be: 1st - 12 points, 2nd - 8 points, 3rd - four points, last - no points. "Our form's been a bit up and down lately,İHutchie, İand Carlton Essendon and Richmond are quality teams. We'll be happy if we can get out of it with 4 to 12 points." And of course with ladder position in the finals being all-important, there is nothing to prevent Carlton, Collingwood and Richmond ganging up on Essendon to knock them out of the top 4 & deprive them of the double chance,İnot to mention the home final... İ PLAN THREE İ There are 22 games in the season. There are 16 teams. Therefore your team will play some sides (usually the weaker ones) only once, and others (the stronger ones) twice. So the draw isİunfair. Unfair draws are boring. İ Why is the draw unfair? İ There are too many teams. More specifically, there are too many interstate teams. Interstate teams are boring. Get rid of them. İ If you get rid of all the interstate teams, there will only be ten teams left. That's not enough, surely? İ Correct. And competitions with too few teams in them are boring. İ The solution? İ The solution is simple, if controversial. It is: relocate (yes, relocate) two interstate teams toİMelbourne. Say, for argument's sake, Sydney, and, well, why not Brisbane. Sure, the fans won't like it, but in time they'll get used to it. That leaves you with 12 teams. 12 teams, 22 rounds, everybody plays everybody else twice, once at home and once away. Perfect. İ Once at home and once away? But there are only three grounds - The MCG, Optus Oval and Colonial. İ You forgot Geelong, but you have a point. Now, who goes where? Colonial? Colonial's boring. Get rid of it.İAll of the MCG members support Melbourne, so we'll put Melbourne in there. The Punt Road oval's more or less in Richmond, so stick the Tigers there. Optus Oval is in Carlton, put the Blues in there. St Kilda, well there's a nice ground called the Junction Oval in St Kilda, the Sainters can go there. Geelong can stay at Geelong, why not. I'm sure Essendon will be more than happy to play at Windy Hill - it has an excellent Tabaret. The Kangaroos could play at Arden Street in North Melbourne - hell, they could even change theirİname toİNorth Melbourne. Likewise,İthe Western Bulldogs could actually go outİWest and play at what I believe is now called the Whitten Oval, in Footscray, which would be a fine name for the Doggies. There's a terrific stadium in Abbotsford, which is to all intents and purposes Collingwood, stick the Maggies in there. As forİHawthorn, well I happen to know that there is a charming littleİoval just off Glenferrie Road in downtown Hawthorn (next to a pool!) which would suit the Hawks just fine.İİ That leaves our new friends from interstate. Where do we put them? Well, Sydney are the Swans, there are swans on Albert Park Lake, there's a stadium next to the lake, Bob's your uncle. Albert Park as a name has effete connotations, call them South Melbourne, a good working class name. Brisbane are a bit of a problem, but with those lairy jumpersİI reckon you could put them at the Brunswick Street Oval and call them Fitzroy, that's nice and bohemian, should suit them. İ Is that all? İ Not quite. The crowds will flock to the revamped competition, and they will be very thirsty. What will they drink? Light beer? Light beer is boring. Get rid of it. Give them full strength beer. Plastic cups? Plastic cups are boring. Get rid of them. Sell beer in cans. Two drink limit? Two drink limits are boring. Let them buy as many cans as their arms can hold. And don't let the bar staff open them before handing them over. Pre-opened beer is boring. By the time you get to the seventh can it has gone flat. Flat beer is boring. Let em open their own cans. They're not babies, you know. And keep the price down. Expensive beer is boring. They're not made of money you know...

Date: Wed, 11 Apr 2001 18:41:39 +1000 From: Bob Crain

As we all know football is boring that's why no one even pays attention to footy anymore and why Channel Eddie paid 30 Trillion dollars to get theİTV rights. İ However here is one small suggestion which may help to get the game out of the doldrums. İ We all know about parody, the draft, the salary cap and such schemes devised to make the strong teams weaker and the weak teams stronger but it never works. Why? Because there is no parody in Coaching. İ Rotating Coaches is what will bring the excitement back to football. Imagine this, in Week 5 Kevin Sheedy coaches the Tigers to a sparkling win over Sydney and after the Monday Night Draw (Live on Talking Football) he is drawn to coach the AAA Marshmellow Kangaroos against the Bombers in Week 6. In week 8 Gary Ayres goes back to coach the Cats and they are caned by the Crows then in week 9 he coaches the Crows to a humiliating defeat at home to Fremantle coached by Mick Malthouse (the repercussion of this is that G Ayres is "on the Couch" next season. In

week 18 with Bomber Thompson at the helm Richmond secures 9th place by losing to the Dennis Pagan led Swans who solidify their spot in the top four and a home final. İ It just gets better the 8 coaches with the best records go to the final, imagine Danny Frawley having to depend on a big win by West Coast over the Doggiesİat Subiaco to gain a spot in the final 8 Coaching spots. İ This systemİwould add that little bit of extra drama and excitement to every game and just think about how much more material the Journo's, the TV and radio commentators and the Coodabeens would have to work with.İ İ They should try this in the Ansett Cup. İ İ Bob the Yankİİ

Date: Wed, 11 Apr 2001 20:46:30 +1000 From: michaelkiddell

I suggest to Simon we should chuck eggs at Collingwood Player's and the President of the Club.. İ Regards Michael

Date: Wed, 11 Apr 2001 13:21:14 -0000 From: bruce baker

Dear Coodabeens, it's obvious that flooding the backlines has created this boring football we are being subjected to. The answer is to stop the 6 forwards and 6 backs at one end of the field from entering the 50m arc at the other end. Only the 3 centre line players and 3 on-ballers would be free to move to every part of the field. How could such a rule be enforced? I think the answer is to have different hair colours for players in different parts of the field. The home team forwards would have to have black hair as would the away team backs. The home team backs would have blond hair, as would the away team forwards. All on-ballers would have to have red hair. This would make it easy for umpires to recognise players who illegally enter a prohibited zone. What, I hear you ask, would happen if the coach wanted to change a player's position? This would require a change of hair colour, and would hence necessitate incorporating a team hair stylist somewhere near the interchang! e bench. A player coming off for a colour change would be something like a formula one car coming in for a pit stop. It could be timed and this would add real excitement for the spectators. Yours sincerely Bruce Baker

Date: Thu, 12 Apr 2001 10:21:11 +1000 From: "BULL,TRAVIS (HP-Australia,ex2)"

My radical plan to stop footy being so boring is this

During every Essendon game at the 5, 10, 15, 20 & 25 minute marks of each quarter. Play comes to a stand still and the Essendon players rush to the middle of the ground. Cornellia Francis pops up in the middle of the ground and says "Bad play in that round boys, You scored 4 goals 4 behinds out of a possible 8 Goals, Sheedy won't be pleased. Who's to blame. Time to vote of the weakest link!"

With that instruction they all write the name of the weakest link. The one with the most votes has to leave the field for that game. In the last quarter you will get down to 2 players and hopefully this will mean sides only lose to Essendon by a couple of goals.

Perhaps a couple of spin off ideas would be:

Survivor - Where sheedy gives them challenges to do each quarter, like make a raft out of the oppositions goal posts, as well as play footy

Mole - One of the Essendon boys is chosen by sheedy to be the mole

That brings me to an idea for Tony's Tongue "who is the weakest link" at every club?

Regards Travis Bull

Date: 11 Apr 2001 19:55:50 MDT From: michael hogg

one innovation that the afl could use to make the game less boring would be to have a touch-tone keypad ala who wants to be a mullionaire so if there is a controversial decision by, lets say johnny harvey (what is wrong with him) people listening to their radios could get the go-ahead and it would be a) push in back against martyn b) play on, lloyd's a panzi and a cheat c) free against number 18 for being a wanker d) free for lloyd because 50,000 teeny-boppers have the majority. if that fails then after half-time essendon should be reduced to 12 players, maybe less, on a handicap system ala the stawell gift. eg. essendon up by 50 points against freo, they look up the sheet like the duckworth-lewis system is cricket and sheedy tells hird, lloyd, fletcher and misiti to have an early shower, not to reappear. this would hold wellman redundant because he wouldn't have anybody to kick to!!!!!!

Date: Thu, 12 Apr 2001 13:08:44 +1000 From: "Paul-Stead (Melbourne)"

I suggest that we introduce Bibs (a la Netball) for the Forwards [F], Centres [C] and Defenders [D]. With each member of the that group of players restricted to their respective 50 metre arcs or the area in between for the Centres. It would also be compulsory for players to change Bibs if they want to swap from being a forward to a centre line player etc.

Imagine the fun watching Hird changing his Bib with Misti on the fifty meter line so that he can go into the centre. This would give Sheeds palpitations as he could not throw his players around easily. But the Essendon supporters would have some idea of where their players are supposed to be.

Of course this means that swapping Creswell in the 77 Grand Final would have taken twice as long so exemptions should be allowed for anyone playing against Collingwood.

Also the King could compete freely has those lumbering ruckmen would not be able to drop back and crash into his back as he soars for a mark.

Kind regards

Paul Stead

Date: Thu, 12 Apr 2001 13:52:22 +1000 From: Christopher Hardie

Ideas to make football more exciting.

1. Each player is allowed to claim one 'Speccy' per game. (This is similar to a gimmee in golf.) If a player jumps high enough, gets a decent ride and manages to lay a hand on the ball, they may claim it as a mark under the 'Speccy' rule regardless of whether the bring it down.

2. One player from each team is suspended from the roof at Colonial via a giant bungie cord in the manner of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. The crowd would also be encouraged to chant "Two teams enter, one team leaves."

3. The amount of points awarded for a goal is dependant on the circumstances under which the goal is kicked, as per follows: Taking an uncontested chest mark on a long lead courtesy of a pin point pass then calmly going back to take your kick and putting it straight through the middle with a text book drop punt, a la Matthew Lloyd, 3 points. Bursting out of the centre directly from the bounce and drilling it through post high from about 55 out, a la Peter Ricardi, 5 points. Muscling out your opponent, man on man, in the goal square to take the mark and playing on immediately and tapping it through, a la Wayne Carey, 6 points. Crumbing off the pack deep in the forward pocket, weaving around 4 opponents whilst ignoring 3 possible hand passes to players in better positions, then finally screwing through a left footed banana kick, a la Ronnie Burns, 9 points (or 10 if the player imediately tries to rev up the crowd with exagerated arm gestures or by pointing to himself, "Who's the man?" style.) Putting through a torpedo punt on the run from about 70 metres out in the dying seconds of a game with your team six points behind, a la Clint Bizzell (except it actually goes through for a goal) 12 points. NB Perhaps a simpler way to do it would be to measure the loudness of the scream eminating from Peter Daicos as the kick is taken and award one point per decibel.

4. No can deny the level of excitement created around football in the past week regarding the Libratore/Knights incident. Carefull examination of the facts reveals that additional excitement was created due to video footage of the incident NOT being available. Therefore to take this situation to it's logical conclussion and ensure excitement in football in maximised on a week to week basis, no footage must be allowed to exist for any incident in football, be it a hit, a goal, a mark or whatever. In fact the optimum level of football excitement would be generated if all media, fans and umpires were locked out of the game completely. Each week 22 players from each side would enter an entirely empty and shielded stadium (Colonial would be the perfect model) and at the end of the day everything, including the score, reports and brownlow votes would have to be determined by examining the circumstancial evidence (ie players with injuries, condition of the ball and playing surface, etc) and by cross examining the players themselves. I would imagine the Herald Sun would at least double in size if this were to be introduced, and football columnists such as Mike Sheehan, Patrick Smith et al would come to be looked upon, in much the same way as Ancient Greek Oracles, not that they would notice the difference.

Chris Hardie

Date: Thu, 12 Apr 2001 16:25:19 +1000 From: Leanne McMahon

Make a competition that has 11 teams in Melbourne and ! in Geelong. Each team plays the other twice, once at "home" (a ground in the suburb from whence they hail) and once "away" Have a final 4 (or at a pinch 5) I think you get the drift boys.

Leanne P.S. If all else fails, reopen Waverley, and make us wait in the traffic jam. After sitting in that for hours, any game will look exciting.

Leanne McMahon

Date: Thu, 12 Apr 2001 16:39:44 +1000 From: Adam Ellerton

Hi Coodabeens,

Back in the school yard chasey use to get a bit boring so barley was invented and I believe it would be a good innovation. If you get tackled and it's a certain holding the ball and you have your fingers crossed it's barley and then it becomes a ball up. I also propose that its barley if your touching the goal post, you cant have a free paid against you. This new barley will compliment the Super Barley that already exists, if you wear number 4 on your back for Port Adelaide or number 18 on your back from the Kangaroos you are a Super Barley coz you do not have free kicks paid against you and you cant touch them either or a free will be paid against you.

I believe this would make footy less boring Adam Ellerton

Date: Thu, 12 Apr 2001 17:34:37 +1000 From: "Smooker, Glenn"

In a radical move to generate greater exposure for the AFL's major sponsorship partner in CUB, Andrew Demetriou has today approved the drinking of CUB products by players during the game.

Trainers will be replacing water bottles with VB stubbies whilst the quarter time oranges will be replaced by Sub Zero Lemons.

To further promote this unique marketing initiative the bounce of the ball will be referred to as 'the early opener'; each quarter will now be referred to as a 'session';İ and the final half of the match now being 'the happy hour'.

Finally, all after match press conferences will be now conducted with the Coaches at the Social Club Bar.

From: Glenn at CUB

Date: Thu, 12 Apr 2001 23:42:48 +1000 From: Doug Long

ONE innovation that can rid Footy of the curse of Boredom Question: what is wrong with the game today: 1. Not enough "man on man" contests 2. Players don’t play where they are named on Thursday night 3. Players roam too far on the oval and turn the game into boring "keepings off" Solution: Fence off each position on the ground with a padded fence. This would give 15 regions on the ground– six on the forward line, six on the back line and three across the centre. Each player would play the entire game only in his "fenced in" position and plays on his opponent all day. Each region has one player only of each team except for the centre 50 metre square that would have the centreman, ruck, ruck-rover and rover (remember those definitions?) Advantages of proposed system: 1. We see heaps of exciting "man on man" duels 2. Ugly packs cannot form because players are corralled 3. There is nowhere to hide if a player is having a shocker 4. Limits the number of pats on the bottom after a goal 5. The positions of players named on Thursday night once again will mean something, and Friday’s paper will help you make informed selections in the footy tipping comp. 6. Stops defenders having delusions of kicking goals. (Collingwood would have won the 1964 flag had the "fence" rule been used - the winning goal that day was kicked by the Dees back pocket) PS: If we need another one, how about 12 points for a goal after a "screamer". PPS: Last week I told you that the Bombers were gone!!! (refer last week’s entry) And they are gone! PPPS: Should I send this to the AFL? Or will you pass it on for me? İ Doug Long

Date: Mon, 22 Jan 2001 10:48:22 +1000 From: Jason Xiros

Boredom always arises from shortening attention spans. What football needs is to draw parallels from the frantic pace of basketball.

All games should be played with both teams starting level on 100 points and only twenty seconds time on the clock! ;-)

Yours sincerely,

JASON XIROS

Date: Fri, 13 Apr 2001 01:21:51 -0000 From: Gurn Blandston

The AFL should pinch the Nissan hole-in-one idea by having players compete for an individual prize parallel to the game itself. EG. After each match, fans of the losing team vote on which player they thought was their team's mole.

On Sunday evening at 8.29 the names of all eight moles for that round go into a barrel. The winning name is then pulled out by Jo Bailey.

That player flies to California and marries Dava Conger.

He and Dava sail off to Temptation Island for their honeymoon. Hidden cameras track their every move and on Thursday night Channel Seven screens a highlights package up against The Footy Show.

On Friday evening at 8.29 Dava annuls the marriage via satellite, giving reasons, then the whole process repeats itself.

At the end of the season all Dava's ex-husbands fly to outback Australia for an Eistedford. After each song one player is voted off. When there's only five survivors left, those five become pop-stars.

The pop-stars kick off their national tour by backing Sam Newman for his opening song in The Footy Show end-of-year spectacular.

They go to number 1 in the charts with their first single, "I beg your pardon - don't wanna play on Mickey Martin."

Thanks,

Gurn Blandston.

Date: Fri, 13 Apr 2001 12:54:19 +1000 From: Russo

WAYS TO MAKE FOOTY MORE ENTERTAINING :

The two captains, say James Hird and Robert Harvey, run onto the field together followed by the players in no particular order. The captains toss the coin. Harvey wins and his first pick is Lloyd. Hird picks Mercuri, Harvey picks Fletcher, Hird -Misiti, Harvey - Everitt and so on until all 42 players have been picked. Just like we used to at school. This means every week the supporters will not know who is playing for their side until the start of the game. Of course you will always get your short, fat kids who are always picked last- in this case your Plapps or Moorcrofts. If this ploy has not worked and one "team" is winning easily, then at some stage during the last quarter a bell is heard and an announcement comes over the P.A. - NEXT GOAL WINS ! This ensures that the final few minutes of the game will be very exciting.

From FACTION 3366 - Paul Russo/John Clements

Date: Fri, 13 Apr 2001 18:07:57 +1000 From: The Dorrats

Remember when you were young and all week you could look forward to a clash of champions in the upcoming match: Brereton v Roos, Lockett v Langford & Frawley v Dunstall, and many more besides. You knew that they would play on each other all day regardless of which player was winning the battle, and often got to see the tide turn as the beaten player persisted and ended the day on top. These days your lucky if the battle lasts for more than a quarter.İ And the teams as selected don't bear any resemblence to the positions players line up in. Well the AFL's latest rule change will bring back the glory day's and then some. Once players take the field, the umpires will join each player to his opponent (as named on Thursday night) with a 2 metre bungy rope clipped to a special belt built into the AFL approved shorts. The rope will only be removed at 1/4 time, half time and 3/4 time, or when a player is removed on a stretcher. Interchange players will be paired in the order they are named in the team. Imagine seeing 120 minutes of Hird v Buckley, Harvey v Crawford or Lloyd v Martin, and the anticipation of knowing in advance they are guaranteed to play on one another. Crowds would boom as the matchups are previewed, watched and disected. Matchups like Libba v Knights would be hotly anticipated for the return clash, and make the tribunals job a little easier too. A new charge of "Attempted Bunge Strangling" will be introduced to protect against misuse of the bunge rope. It would also mean extensions on such players careersİ Champions like Mick Nolan, Rene Kink and Grenville Deitrich wouldn't have their opponents running off them to kick goals. The beer belly could be a strategic advantage. Imaging the Nolan's brawn againstBesanko's speed - which would win out? Gifted players like Daicos and Ablett would invent way's to utilise the elasticity to generate extra distance - i.e the slingshot kick. Or to bounce off the rope to kick around corners. Footy - the way it should be! Simon Dorrat

Date: Fri, 13 Apr 2001 18:33:20 +1000 From: Oliver Kysela

Answer: Bring back Dale Kickett. I don't care about what happened during the week just gone. What Dale did last year was great for football, and his absence since then is what Parko was really referring to in his astute observation. 2 games to go, and counting down. Oliver Kysela

Date: Fri, 13 Apr 2001 22:33:09 +1000 From: rohanandannette

My suggestion for livening up this tired and dull old game of ours and returning it to the halcyon days of yesteryear revolve around one simple little adjustment...the introduction of THEPRE-SEASON WILDCARD DRAFT.Each club would be granted one extra pick per year, the criteria being that the player drafted must have played for that club at some stage of his colorful andİunpredictable career. For example, Essendon would be able to bring back Rotten Ronnie Andrews,Robbie Muir returns for the Saints,İfour clubs could haggle over Jacko and Freo could....well, they couldn't do anything, which makes it even better. The drafted players would be granted Diplomatic Immunity from such bodies as the AFL Tribunal and squeezing them into club salary caps would be fairly easy as most of them would be happy to play for a slab each week.And what a Television ratings bonanza...picture crowded loungerooms across the country,İnervous viewers breathless with anticipation as Scotty Clayton leans forward into his microphone and says, "Western Bulldogs....pick 49...Crazy Horse Cownton." Have a great show.

Rohan Leonard

Date: Fri, 13 Apr 2001 23:58:34 +1000 From: Jenny Lawton

The boredom elimination rule.

Those tedious team plans have reduced footy games to the fun and excitement level of an evening at the Basketball, causing boredom for spectators and the media alike. This rule stamps out those tiresome team strategies, and reintroduces a Curtain-Raiser with a twist.İ And the rule shall be known as rule 34 (t)(d)(m):

Under this rule, half an hour prior to the match, players from opposing clubs shall line up on the field of play in front of the two coaches.İ An umpire will toss a coin to determine which coach gets first selection of a player from either club, to join that coach^³s team for the duration of the match. The other coach will then get to select a player, and selection will continue in turn until both coaches have had 11 picks.İ The remaining unselected players will then line up for a 100 yard sprint aiming to grab a guernsey from a pile at the finish line, to determine which club they will play for in that match. Field umpires will monitor the pile to ensure fairness in any shepherding and tackling by players in the grab for jumpers.İ Under this rule, any player considered not to have "given his all" for the duration of the match, will be subject to both a fine and suspension at the discretion of the tribunal.

Thus where Fremantle meets Essendon, and Sheeds has won the toss, it would go:

Kevin Sheedy selects James Herd (Herdy gives victory salute to Twerp members going wild)

Damien Drum calls up Mathew Lloyd (Essendon crowd groan - some inquire about ticket refund)

Kevin Sheedy gives the nod to Blake Caracella (The Twerps do handstands on seats)

Damien Drum nominates Joe Misiti (The 3 or 4 Freeo supporters who have turned up ^÷ give continental waves to people wearing red and black)

Kevin Sheedy, with some relief selects Justin Fletcher (Look of grim resignation on Drummy^³s face ^÷ but still 8 picks to go) Damien Drum in a moment of indecision calls for either of the Johnsons (Brothers toss coin to determine fate)

AND SO ON until Drum has ripped heart out of the Essendon football club^‰

Once the guernsey dash has been run, players shake hands with their new team mates for the game and spend the remaining pre-match time with the coach to learn the words of the club song.İ At no stage does the coach bother to discuss team tactics and simply wishes his players the best of luck out there.

RULE 34(t)(d)(m) is good for football because: * Fans get more action for their money ^÷ due to the advent of pre-match entertainment offering a strategic battle between coaches making their selections and the gladiatorial-like contest between players as they grapple for a guernsey. * The AFL is thrilled that a recipe has finally been found to achieve Team Equalisation. * Violence in the game ends as it is too difficult for players to determine who is the enemy in this confusing contest - club colours are everything and the players are simply people who are very skilled at football. * Boredom is eliminated from the game, as it is impossible for any coach to ensure coordination between the day^³s players to engage in that endless, tedious flooding of the back line. * Football returns to the game of old - a fair game in which skills are the most important factor and not the arid tactics of Eade, Wallace and their ilk. Long kicks to position with marking contests return (riches long gone from the game), as notions of team tactics collapse. It is the way forward.

Jenny of Brunswick

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