Australia as a nation is pretty good at taking our lumps.

Rolling with the punches, picking ourselves up, dusting ourselves off and climbing back on the pony.

We cop the bad news sweet and get on with it.

We don't belly-ache.

Why then do we have so much trouble accepting and embracing the umpire as a crucial, necessary, and vital part of our game?

What did they do to us?

It takes courage, strength, spirit, and cast-iron self-belief to make split-second decisions in critical and crucial situations week after week.

And what do they get?

A couple of bob, a packet of chewy, and enough scorn, ridicule and abuse to last a lifetime.

That's not the Australian way, and we know it.

I believe the problem lies deeper, and it lies with the league.

Come on Andrew!

Let the umpies live a little.

Let them express themselves, personalize their performance, and create characters we can enjoy, relate to, and heck, even look forward to.

Do they have to blow a whistle?

Why can't it be a kazoo, duck call, or Boxing Day test plastic trumpet.

Do their togs have to be uniform?

Wouldn't it be more colourful to see Gavin Dore bounce the ball in a kaftan; umpires Mclaren and Wenn call all clear and out of bounds dressed as Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley from Kiss?

If they cop an earful from a player would it be such a crime to allow them to come back with "shut your guts Carey you big dill - you couldn't get a kick in a stable!"?

Who wouldn't love to see an ump in whiteface mime his way through a game, or incorporate Curly, Moe, and Larry physical comedy into their role?

"but ump, I never had it"

"pipe down knucklehead" they could rejoin, with twin fingers to the eyes and a kick up the Khyber.

The crowd would love it, the umps would love it and no longer would the divisive wedge of hatred weaken the unity of our nation.

League... are you listening?

I'm Billy, and I'm boiling!!