The Coodabeen Champions Competition
Round Fifteen
It's the time of the year that thoughts naturally turn to that most unnatural phenomenon; The Players revue. But this presents a problem. There's no Spice Girls or Popstars as an obvious source of inspiration...where to turn? For this week's competition we want you to devise, choreograph and cast a sketch for the players revue, at the Club of your choice.
Date: Mon, 9 Jul 2001 10:24:03 +1000
From: Karen Batiste
Dear Simon,
I thought that St Kilda like a bit of pizzazz off the field, and they could
look to Baz Luhman for inspiration.
The Scene: Clubrooms at Linton Street
Blighty says "OK, boys, if you want an end of season trip, you'll need to do
a players revue this year. What suggestions have you got?"
Burkie stands up. "I've got some ideas. Because Stewie and I are injured,
what about putting Monky back on the veterans list? After all, Lynchy says,
they're going with Richard Champion, coming in from the bench todo Barnsey.
Monky looks great in fishnets - we could star him as Nicole Kidman. Then
we'll need an overseas star to be Ewan McGregor - Sammy Hamill is our new
import from Carlton, well it is another world, so he'd be good. All the rest
of us can do the chorus bits for Moulin Rouge - that's much better than a
lot of short acts.
Blight shakes his head in wonderment. "Burkie you've worked all of the
tactics out, and didn't even need to use the whiteboard."
General cheering from the group.
From a Former Southern Suburbs Girl.
Leslie in Ballarat.
Date: Mon, 9 Jul 2001 11:20:13 +1000
From: Guy & Sharlene
I reckon I know the perfect revue that either or both western Australian
clubs could perform the titanic, as they are both sinking fast to the
bottomof the AFL stakes,
Either Ben Cousins, or Tony Modra could Play the part of Jack Dawson, one
of their groupies could play the role ofRose.
You would then need a captain of the ship, that could be either coach.
You would be able to have the committee's of both clubs as the ships
crew, and therest of the players could be the passengers, with the
commissioner's of the WAFL being the mugs in the steerage class.
Guy Hutchinson
Horsham, Vic
Date: Mon, 9 Jul 2001 16:57:10 +1000
From: Darrell Nash
Last man standing, Knock 'em down - drag 'em out affair!
The evil mastermindMr Fuji (Sheeds) leads his troops into battle lead by
the Bash Brothers (Johnstons), Hit-Man (Hardwick), King Solomon, Brute
Barnard, and Little Tokyo (Moorcroft) as they create mayhem in and out of
the square circle. Pitted against them are the good guys from TD's stable
(keep it simple boys) of Andre the Gentle Giant (Allessio), all action
Coco B Ware (Riolli), Caracella & Misiti next to Wellman (on their own),
Mr. Wonderfull (Lloydy) and Hulk Hogan in the gold trunks (Hirdy) as they
battle in the Collo-seum (Colonial) for the WFFKing of the Ring.
Special comments from Barnsey 'the body' Ventura.
PS. Good to see Jack Elliott coming back for his 250th game in the ammos
in the forward pocket. Ronnie Andrewshas just been reinstated and is the
oppositions back pocket (I'd like to see that!!!)
Darrell Nash
Date: Mon, 09 Jul 2001 21:07:21 +1000
From: Greg & Sue Hoysted
The current hit musical on Broadway is a remake of the great Mel Brooks
film, "The Producers". It would be an ideal vehicle for a club whose
players wish to raise the tone and improve their professionalism when
approaching fundraising. Therefore, the St Kilda football club should
perform a song from it at their review. Obviously Blighty and Rod
Butteress would play the title roles, after all, Malcolm must have taken
the Saints job on as a tax write off mustn't he? (Sorry Simon). The song
to be performad would be "Springtime for Hitler (Spider) and Germany
(Rob Harvey)" with Fraser Gehrig as Hitler and Cadyn Beetham as Eva
Braun.
Greg Hoysted
Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2001 16:46:12 +1000
From: David
I believe thatsome of the clubs could put on quite a show by indulging
in a bit of
"PUPPERTY OF THE PENIS"
For example
1/ SYDNEY because two of the more well know moves are "The Swan" and
" The Sydney Harbour Bridge".
2/ FREEMANTLE because they must be better playing with themselves than
they are playing football.
3/ CARLTON for two reasons
a/ some interesting new moves could be worked out incorporating
Glenn Mantons bolt.
b/ John Elliot would have to be part of it because he is the
biggest dick
in football.
cheers
David Bean
Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2001 15:55:53 +1000
From: Tim Goddard
We all know football is theatre, what with the Nureyev like mooves of James
Hird and the Writer - Critic tension between the coaches and the media,
football and theatre are non identical twins.
As the target market for football is the theatregoers, so to the target
market for player reviews should be the theatre.
Accordingly each club will do a abridged/fast/15 minute version of a famous
play/ musical (attention span of the public is only 15 minutes).
For example
Collingwood - Death of a Salesman. Eddie is the great salesman, he sold
mediocrity to the Woods. As great as he is, how many people will come to the
funeral when its all over?
Melbourne - Julies Cesar, the greatest political and power struggle of them
all. Joe Gutnik will call for heads to roll as he wanted Fiddler on the Roof.
Fremantle - The Grapes of Wrath. A long hard slog for years on end to get
to the promised land only to find things are worse that when they begun.
Geelong - Cats. Shite story and musical but thet thought they would save on
props.
Hawthorn - Much Ado About Nothing - a frivilous romantic comedy with Parko as
the person whose job it is to frame Schwabby for his infedilty. In the end
though, his love of Shane wins.
Essington and CARLton - Romeo and Juliet. The forbidden love with the oh so
tragic end. John Elliot as Romeo and Graeme McMahon as Juliet make this
showing a true blockbuster of theatrical expereice. Wouldn't the football
world be a much better place without them.
Swans: The Club. The more they can learn about the true nature of football
clubs the better. Being Sydney, the dope should be exchanged for coke and the
girlfriend for a fella (not that I want to make generalisations).
Brisbane - Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. This will be the first theatrical
expereince in Queensland for some years and the want to keep it as simple as
possible.
Adelaide - Aida. Far from showing an abridged version, the Adelaide
Charddonnay set have called for a full production to be held on the Govenors
grounds. (Thebaton theatre would never be big enough).
Port Adelaide:- Hair. A slight reworking will turn the hippies into skozzers
and the long hair into some of the best mullets going round.
Richmond - Hard Days Night. As with their song, they just wanted something
they could tap their feet to and yell every now and then.
West Coast Eagles - Judge Judge. They know it's not quite theatre but Jakkers
(Glen Jakovich) thought it would be funny (and what he says goes as he's the
biggest).
North Melbourne and the Western Bulldogs - Star wars. The imperial
forceshave conspired to remove the virtuous and just from the universe and
appear to be succeeding. The dogs and the roos join forces to ensure good
triumphs over evil, coming back form the brink to reclaim Saturday
afternoons in Melbourne form the forces of darkness for all true and
oppressed football fans. Watch for Wayne Jackson as Darth Vader, Dennis
Pagan as Yoda, Chris Grant as Luke, Wayne Cary as Han Solo and Sav Rocca as
Chewbacca (the last one should be self evident). Publicity for the show,
promotions and marketing will be by Terry Wallace.
St Kilda - The Odd Couple: Two exact opposite personalities are thrown
together with halourios results. One, Malcolm Blight the consummate
professional, intelligent, dedicated and talented coach, the other, the St
Kilda Football Club, a ., the.., how else can you put it, (to borrow the
words of Billy Bragg) an accident waiting to happen.
I can't wait till The Footy Shows does a medley of them on their Grand Final
edition.
Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2001 15:56:58 +1000
From: Tim Goddard
I am sure feathers, stockings, lemons and wigs will adorn these pages this
week, and why not, they are the tools required for any team to undertake a
successful players revue. However, the Dockers have chosen a different route.
The Chicken Run.
The Chicken Run requires all players are require to paddle out to sea on their
surfboards (they all have one, it's in their contract) and the last one to stop
paddling wins.
As they live on the Western coast of Australia, this would send them into the
Indian and Southern oceans. Beautiful.
Money is made in two ways. Bets are laid on for the last man paddling and that
for the first one in. A boat picks up the retirees and burley could be laid if
they wished to remove some fringe players without breaking contract.
If they really wanted to make some money they would all paddle to South Africa,
saving an airfare and with no player winning, they wouldn't have to pay any
money out.
The Chicken Run - it's scary ansd sharks bite.
Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2001 07:36:30
From: stuart mcarthur
Richmond's Player Revue Act
"KEVIN BARTLETT'S FRIDGE"
Tiger players should re-enact the elimination reality game that pre-dated
Big Brother, ie. "Kevin Bartlett's Fridge," where certain peoples' names go
up on a fridge door and are crossed off one by one.
It would be performed as follows:
First a member of the audience wins a door prize which enables him to don a
baseball cap and play "Kevin".
Then eight players take the stage, put their names on a fridge, and
impersonate Richmond board-members. They walk around for two minutes
patting or stabbing Danny Frawley on/in the back, watching replays of the
1995 semifinal, and reminiscing about Francis Bourke.
After two minutes, based on what he's seen, "Kevin" goes to the fridge and
tears one name off. The process is then repeated.
Hopefully, "Kevin" will be a wag and milk extra laughs by dummying
hand-passes as he goes, or maybe even hand-passing the names off the fridge.
When there's just one board-member left, that player asks the audience who
they want at Tigerland most, him or "Kevin". When the audience unanimously
cries "KEVIN!!!!", that player dons Stan Magro's Collingwood jumper and
slinks off, enabling "Kevin" to triumphantly reclaim the stage, symbolically
baulking Stan Magro on the way, and soak up the euphoric applause of the
audience.
Again, hopefully, "Kevin" will be a wag and run around the stage with both
arms in the air.
Regards,
Stuart McArthur
(PS Simon, I'll be accused of being a suck, but the way you read my last
entry was very funny!)
Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2001 18:29:20 +1000
From: Mark Smith
My idea for the combined AFL players and personalities revue is to put on
an episode of that perrenial favourite "Gilligans Island". After
exhaustive auditions from the whole of the AFL playing list I arrived at
the following cast members who will perform the roles around the country
during the summer pantomine months.
"Skipper" - Robert Dipierdomenico (dipper) overweight, seen better times,
has diminished role from glory days,
"The Professor" - Bruce McAvaney-lots of facts and figures, always trying
new ways to improve and get off the island. Occasional deep voice- says
"AND HOME" a lot
"Ginger"- James Hird -Tall glamorous figure who is a real star. Everyone
wants a bit of her. Really can influence a situation through sheer
presence.
"Mary-Anne" - Matthew Lloyd - Wholesome goodlooking person who looks good
in gingham. Can also whip up a mean coconut cream pie. The Professor
secretly loves him and has been known to change his vocal characteristics
when on the stage.-"SPECCCCCCCCCCCIAL......."
"Gilligan" - Matthew Lappin - skinny lad who can't seem to stay out of
trouble but lovable just the same
Thurston Howell 3rd - Eddie McGuire- Ubiquitous in all areas, great
contacts, plenty of money, prepared to short circuit proper channels in
order to get what he wants. Is prepared to pay anything to get off the
island.
"Lovey Howell" - Nathan Buckley. Enough said . Who else could Eddie call
lovey?
The plot revolves around these poor castaways trying to get out of
Colonial Stadium. They have limited means but are keen to leave as
rations of light beer and chicken tikka wraps are in short supply. They
can't seem to get a grip for any length of time on the surface and the
sun is in their eyes constantly.
Regards Mark Smith
Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2001 22:27:02 +1000
From: Elly Foster
Team: St Kilda
Players:Burke, Harvey, Lowe
Song: Jake the Pake (3 good legs)
Simon Foster
Lower Plenty
Date: Wed, 11 Jul 2001 10:50:09 +1000
From: Glenn
The Dockers
The whole show is based around Wheel of Fortune, and no expenses is spared
when the audience cheer in delight as they see Baby John Burgess walk onto
the stage. The cheers increase as BJ introduces Adrianna, who saunters onto
the stage all teeth and hair.
The show runs smoothly all night as players, coaching staff and board
members match wits. Daniel Bandy is delighted with his 46 piece Robb
cutlery, Ric Charlesworth is sure his wife will be delighted with preserving
set and coffee percolator and Lee Walker is absolutely wrapped with his
Flymo electric lawn mower.
The excitement builds as they get into the final round and a chance to win
the mighty and ever desirable Proton Waja. The contestants in the final
round are Ross McLean, Damian Drum and an unidentified Melbourne sports
reporter.
Baby John informs the three that the clue is " This was an EVENT that
happened at the club this year".
Ross McLean spins first, $355. "The letter D please"
Adrianna turns three D's.
Ross spins again, $605. "The letter S?"
Adrianna has 2 S's.
Ross spins and after getting an "free spin" the wheel stops on $505. In a
slightly hesitant voice, M?"
There are two M's. The crowd cheer and howler.
Next spin $210 and the letter R is revealed. This is followed by $745 and
the letter N. Ross plays his free spin after landing on "miss a turn "and it
pays off with the letter C earning him $560. Ross spins again, $435 and the
letter K make the hooter go to signify no more consonants.
D_ M__ N DR_M _S S_CK_D
Ross buys a vowel, A .
DAM_AN DR_M _S SACK_D.
Still not enough to go on, he buy an I.
DAMIAN DR_M IS SACK_D.
"Do you know what it is?" enquires Burgo.
Ross refuses to answer or even speculate on what it might be until after the
show has finished. He loses his turn.
Damian Drum stares blankly at the letter before him, "Can I buy a vowel?"
Sorry you have no money. "I have no idea what's going on, dunno." Damian
losses his turn.
Finally, unidentified Melbourne sports report spins and hit BIG MONEY -
$5000. "I think I know the answer BJ, Damian Drum is sacked?"
Damian Drum shakes his head in disagreement, Ross McLean looks at the floor
then the ceiling.
CORRECT, we have a winner.
Make this work on radio Simon.
Glenn from Newport
Date: Wed, 11 Jul 2001 21:40:59 +1000
From: Doug Long
DEAR SIMON,
Now THIS is a topic about which to salivate. I had the song, but not the
occasion. Preparation meets Providence. Here it is!
Ah, the player revue– that time of the year where pensioners
willingly go without food for a week in order to fund an exotic holiday
for people on $300,000 a year!
The star of the show would be none other than Gary Moorcroft. This would
ensure thousands of Bomber fans come along to cheer him and even some
opposition fans to exercise their spleens.
The stage takes some setting but please bear (as opposed to "bare") with
me.
The somewhat see-through curtain reveals the unmistakable silhouette of
Gary Moorcroft, except for the fact that his funny little legs seem more
bulky than usual above the knees. (a special effect for the song!)
While Gary remains the main focus, other players will come and go from
the set playing parts such as:
- Brad "stepladder" Johnson
- A Crows player unaware he has split the seam of his pants
- Various others in cameo roles as the lyrics dictate while Moorcroft
prances, pouts, points, takes screamers and generally does all those
things which cause such a wide range of emotions from spectators.
To the side, the lead singer is any player willing to wear a dress and a
blonde wig.
(But where could you find a he-man Aussie Rules star willing to do this?)
All other players stand behind the singer as back-up clappers. (Heaps of
these required!)
Then they sing new words to the tune of "Bette Davis Eyes".
Old words on left. New words on right.
Bette Davis Eyes
Barry Davis Thighs
Her hair is Harlowe gold, His
hair is reddish gold
Her lips sweet surprise His
leap’s a sweet surprise
Her hands are never cold, His
form is hot and cold
She's got Bette Davis eyes He's
got Barry Davis thighs
She'll turn her music on you, *
You won't have to think twice *
She's pure as New York snow, *
She got Bette Davis eyes *
And she'll tease you, And
he’ll fend you
She'll unease you
He’ll upend you
All the better just to please you If
you hit back they’ll suspend you
She's precocious and she knows just He’s
precocious and he knows just
What it takes to make a pro blush what it
takes to make a Crow blush
She got Greta Garbo stand off sighs, All the fans
sigh when he flies
She's got Bette Davis eyes He's
got Barry Davis thighs
She'll let you take her home, *
It whets her appetite *
She'll lay you on her throne, *
She got Bette Davis eyes *
She'll take a tumble on you,
He’ll lay a heavy bump on you
Roll you like you were dice Roll you
like you were dice
Until you come out blue, Until
you’re black and blue,
She's got Bette Davis eyes He's got
Barry Davis thighs
She'll expose you, when she snows you He’ll expose
you, when he slows you
Off your feet with the crumbs she throws you By that tackle when
he throws you
She's ferocious and she knows just He’s
ferocious and he knows just
What it takes to make a pro blush what it takes
to make a Crow blush
All the boys think she's a spy, All the
fans sigh when he flies
She's got Bette Davis eyes He's got
Barry Davis thighs
And she'll tease you, *
She'll unease you *
All the better just to please you *
She's precocious, and she knows just *
What it takes to make a pro blush *
All the boys think she's a spy, *
She's got Bette Davis eyes *
* I have words for these if necessary, but the new song flows better with
these segments missing altogether
If this is deemed to be for Champs’ segment rather than the comp, I
will understand. If it is deemed for neither, I won’t.
Hope you enjoyed the snow.
Doug Long
Date: Thu, 12 Jul 2001 00:18:35 +1000
From: Gary bourke
Given their clothing interest of the 70's especially Don Scott and the
Wynns's Skivvy
Ha wthorn Football Club Players Review proudly presents
The Wiggles singing Hot Potatoe Hot Potatoe
starring on Stage
Shaun Rehn as Dorothy the Dinosaur (bandage right knee )
Tony Woods as Henry the Octopus ( all arms & legs)
Trent Croad as Captain Feathersword ( might look like a pirate but
really isn't
John Barker as Wags the Dog
Shane Crawford as Jeff : WAKE UP SHANE
Others on stage include
Brown Skivvy ; Daniel Chick ( no one dance in his spot for your own
safety)
Gold Skivvy : Ben Holland ( no jerky hand movements please)
Special Guest in the Harlequin Skivvy : Jason Dunstall
Hot Potatoe Hot Potatoe
Gary Bourke
Date: 11 Jul 2001 19:11:29 MDT
From: michael hogg
Welcome to the first annual AFL players revue. My name is Richard Wilkins and
we are coming live from the Golden Saddle Lounge at the Sydney Airport.
Tonight we are going to have representatives from each AFL club, singing songs
that will make them famous, these will include...
Adelaide - Andrew McLeod as Craig David singing "7 Days"
Brisbane - Justin Leppitsch as Simply Red singing ?
Carlton - Anthony Koutoufides as Ricky Martin singing "Livin La Vidi Da Loco"
Collingwood - Leon Davis as Shaggy singing "Alive"
Essendon - Dean Rioli as Elvis singing "Blue Suade Shoes"
Fremantle - "Who would know?"
*Geelong - Joel Corey, David Spriggs, Matthew Scarlett as Hanson singing "Mmm
Bop"
St.Kilda - Barry Hall as Eminem singing "Stan"
Sydney - Dale Lewis as Greg Champion singing "Knee Reconstruction"
West Coast - Troy Wilson as Troy Wilson singing "The Eagles Theme Song"
We'll start after this break.
* Remember the Troy Wilson experience in round 8 Mr Whelan? From my
recollection i put in a entry referring to the Geelong boys as Hanson and got
a tremendous response from one Mr Leonard. And the quotes at the end of the
segment when you have the award to someone that just changed no.18's name to
Mariah were from Mr Cover "Hanson was stiff" and from you "Hanson was stiff
Ian, but only because he's entry doesn't have Troy Wilson in it". Now I have
Troy Wilson in it, now I expect a win, now i expect a ticket to the Coodabeens
convention, now a free cd, now free afl videos because i believe if this was a
football game, i would be 10 goals up at 3 quarter time and would be giving
the youngsters a go. May you make your decision carefully as the football
public will be waiting.
Date: Thu, 12 Jul 2001 14:56:29 +1000
From: "Treseder, Peter"
Simon,
I would set the St Kilda team to do their version of Les Mis. It has it
all.
A champion of the past coming back to help the down trodden. Hopes are high
early in the show as all the potential and earl form shows that victory
beckons. However reality hits home and all is lost. Does the champion come
back again? We are yet to know.
Maybe we could cross Les Mis with Jesus Christ Superstar it all depends how
the star of the show is treated in the end.
On a separate note and relating to an earlier weeks competition, it was
interesting to note the photo in the Herald Sun on Wednesday showing Peter
Hudson attempting to mark with both feet off the ground. It didn't actually
show him taking the mark, but I may have been harsh in my earlier comments.
Peter "Trash" Treseder
Date: Thu, 12 Jul 2001 16:25:18 +1000
From: "Bishop, Brad"
Dear Coods, Given the publicity and excitement Monday's Wimbledon created, I
think that would be an ideal for there for a team to adopt at their players'
review.
And there can only be one team capable of supplying a couple of individuals
to fill the roles of `Our Pat' and Goran, them being James Hird (be you
can't guess which one he will be playing) and John Barnes.
Ranking second only to Rafter as the sportsman all mothers would love their
daughter to marry, Hird is an ideal `Our Pat', while there are more striking
resemblances between Goran and Barnesy than most would realise.
It is basically forgotten now, but five or six years ago, Barnesy was better
known as a wildman than a football player and around about that time he was
also enduring a run of defeats in the major events of his chosen sport,
something Goran can relate to.
But as is often the case (Three-time losing finalist Fred Stolle would
disagree) , the fairytale prevailed and for the first time in his lfe, Hirdy
had to settle for second best, all the more amazing because it was Barnsey
that beat him.
Date: Thu, 12 Jul 2001 19:03:52 +1000
From: Mark Giuliano
The Sydney Swans do Cheetah !!
John Stevens as the brunette
Troy Luff as the blonde one
Stevo obviously has all the moves as evidenced by his lame attempt to
avoid the Paul williams kick for goal to let Willo have the goal in his
200th game!! The ball hit him right between the 2 and the Zero on his
back, half a yard out from goal.
Luffy just looks the part. He could just stand there. microphone in
hand, swinging his hips and thowing in the odd "ooh" and "ahh"
Regards
Mark Giuliano
Date: Thu, 12 Jul 2001 19:51:43 +1000
From: KyselaO
Simon
Act 1
This applies to all clubs except Collingwood.
The curtain draws back, and there's the 5 players at your club ranked 6 to
10 (eg: Hamill at "8") sitting side by side, but in a semi-circular
formation. Sitting in front of them like the bloke holding the bat in slips
catching practice is Eddie, wearing the President's tie and holding a cheque
book that is in as much danger of bouncing as a 5th day wicket in the
sub-continent.
"Which one of you blokes wants to be a millionaire", he asks with pen
hovering over "Pay......or bearer". You know the rest.
Act 2
The Cornes brothers could don glasses, one secure the services of an
acoustic guitar, and belt out a Proclaimers number whilst tweaking the
lyrics, with accents. Instead of "I would walk 500 miles", it could be
(Champs may appreciate these):
"I wish I could play like Geoff Miles", or
"I wish we'd trade those Brayden Lyles", or
"Treddes can't jump 'cause he's got piles".
Oliver Kysela
Yarra Valley Old Boys Past Players
Date: Thu, 12 Jul 2001 18:56:53 -0400
From: "Canty, Kevin (K.P.)"
Simon,
My suggestion for the player's revue is for the Melbourne Club and is based on
The Three Stooges, no make up or sketches required, simply on field
performances could be shown in replay.
Mo- Would be played by Peter (Crackers) Keenan
Larry- Would be played by Brent (Tiger) Crosswell
Curly- Would be played by who else but Mark (Jacko) Jackson
As a support I could see Essendon players performing a rendition of My 3 Sons
featuring:
Mark Johnson
David Johnson
I am not sure if Sheeds would fill the role of Fred McMurray or Bub.
Kevin Canty
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 10:37:03 +1000
From: Hayden.McDonnell@bendigobank.com.au
Players review - Richmond
This years review would see wayne campbell and the tiger boys dress in the
old 'herb elliott' like running gear and and re-enact the final stages of
the famous race from "Chariots of Fire". The twist in the act comes when the
boys would be heading towards the finish line held up by brave and
encouraging coach Danny Frawley only to see them fall over in the last few
metres and miss out once again on a top 8 position. The sound track would
feature the famous piano tune from the original musical score and the
coreography would be produced by the guy who managed to dump a few square
metres of chook manure at punt road....
Hayden McDonnell
Colbinabbin Football Club
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 10:54:33 +1000
From: Darren Brookes
Simon, I propose that for the players revue this year that to much is
focused on current popstars and personalities and what better way than
to do this by reverting to classic fables and stories from yesteryear.
Therefore we welcome you to Carlton Football Club's rendition of Snow
White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Cast:
Snow White - who else but Kouta
The Seven Dwarfs: Ratten, Bradley, Camporeale, Lappin and guest
appreanaces by the old Flea Brigade of Rod Asman, Vinnie "The Cat"
Cattogio and Alex Marcou.
Wicked Witch: who else but Big Jack
Apple: Chequebook
All Other Players: Will be given peripheral roles such as trees, wind,
cameramen with cardboard cameras.
Venue: Forget the social club, this is to be held at a huge outside
stage constructed at Optus Oval. They were inticed to have it held at
Colonial but reneged for the home ground.
My Favourite Moment: Big Jack tries to make Kouta sign the chequebook
but Kouta knows that this is evil. Therefore Big Jack is forced to go
away, take some magic potion and comes back into view with the plastic
fake eyes and nose. Kouta obviously believes that this is a more
attractive person and agrees to sign the chequebook. After returning
home to the other Dwarfs, he begins to fell slightly ill at the huge
amount of money he has signed for when all about him are getting less
and performing more. Kouta slumps to the ground and the crowd oohs in
anticipation. The dwarfs do not know what to do. Then out of nowhere the
white night of Carlton, Steven Silvagni appears and offers him one of
his best and fairest medal which Kouta takes in appreciation and wakes
up. They both then walk of the stage to the thunderous applause at Optus
Oval.
I would pay money to see this as opposed to seeing grown men dress as
women.
Darren Brookes
Armadale
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 11:57:45 +1000
From: Julian Toohey
gday,
being the time of player reviews, and the chestnut performances of
players doing karaoke or dancing to spice girls songs, saying they are
the old spice boys is wearing thin, a new act must be found.
this year full of controversy, who better than a player to do a solo of
the controversial rap star, alleged criminal, Eminem.
the player who took on this lead role would hit out at the declining
standards of umpiring, claiming the f^&*$% umpires get in the #$%&* way,
lets shoot them up, and so on.
they would then hit out at salary cap limitations claiming they don't
accomodate for his tallent and would weave that into a song, calling for
a boycott of players and a riot outside of afl house.
this night would no doubt be memorable, and a costly one as the afl would
find out and send a please explain letter out, and ban such player
reviews in the future.
keep up the good work and go saints.
julian toohey
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 14:28:54 +1000
From: Matt Cronin
The stage is dark, the music starts to build and suddenly the boards are
awash with light as the AFL coaches present their tribute to the "Stage
Musical"
The coaches hit the stage with a revamped version of "Do Re Mi" from the
Sound of Music.
"Lets start at the grass roots level, a very good place to start
The tempo changes to the Peter Allen hit "I go to Rio" introduced by Daics
"WHOOOOOAAAAAA"
As the song fades, Carey, Buckley, Hird, Voss, Richardson, Grant and Harvey
enter from stage left, they are immediately followed by the coaches singing
and pointing.
"You're the one that I want, you are the one that I want - you, you, you
baby
The players and the coaches leave stage right.
The lights come up for a Romeo and Juliet type scene with Neale Daniher in
the balcony looking down at Jeff Farmer, he sings to the tune of "Tommy's"
Pinball Wizard.
He's the Demon Wizard the ball is on a string
A depressed and injured Farmer limps from the stage
Malcolm Blight appears centre stage clearing up the remnants of what must
have been a hell of a party, obviously depressed he sings his version of
"Memory" from "Cats"
"Midnight, not a cheer from the grandstand, I now know where I stand
The light fades on Malcolm so we don't see him cry.
Ben Allen bursts onto the stage in a swirl of psychedelic lighting singing
to the tune of "Hair"
Give me team with skill, yeah
He is led away before he goes mad.
I will cut this short now so I don't go on too long (as requested). Not
that I have run out of ideas. You still have Pagan singing a version of
"No. 18 Superstar", Damien Drum's version of "Any Team Will Do", Kevin
Sheedy's "Masquerade" from The Phantom of the Opera".
To finish off the night on a high rousing climax, Danny Frawley takes to the
stage surrounded by a huge throng of Tigers supporters decked out in the
yellow and black, he sings From "Les Mis"
Do you hear the members sing, singing the songs of angry men
Cheers
Matt Cronin
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 15:02:38 +1000
From: Russo
The 2001 St Kilda F.C. Player's Revue presents
"Moulin Rouge, Blanc et Noir"
A musical/drama set in Moorabbin at the turn of the century. Starring :
as Satine(Nicole Kidman) - Peter Everitt - some one who is tall, skinny and
can change the colour of their hair.
as Christian(Ewan Mc Gregor) - Andrew Thompson - because he is a handsome
leading man.
as The Duke(Richard Roxburgh) - Malcolm Blight - because this character
gets sucked in to leading the production only to find that things are not
what they seemed.
as Toulose Letrec - Stephen Milne - because in real life Toulose was a very
small man.
as Harold Zidler - Mark Jacko Jackson - returning to one of the clubs he
played for as a special guest. This character has a big ego and is only
interested in the effects.
as The Bohemians - Barry Hall, Damian Monkhurst - because they are artistic
and intellectual types who disregard conventional forms of behaviour.
The Arts Critic from the Sun reported that this player revue was 500 per
cent worse than any other revue he had seen this year.
>From Faction 3366 - Paul Russo/John Clements
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 15:56:54 +1000
From: Chamberlain Family
How could you go pastthis inspiration for the Fremantle Dockers player
revue - it has to be the Wiggles.With special guest Daniel the Dinosaur
(impersonated by Daniel Bandy), songs that Peter Bell and co could peform
are as follows:
* "Hot Potato, Hot Potato" - if the Dockers players put even half the
effort into the song as they do to turn the footy over, thiscover
will become a classic.
* "Wake Up, Jeff" - the players think that a strong performance would
reignite the desire of the former no.1 ruckman, Jeff White, however
most do not actually realise that he left the club a few years back.
* "Move Like An Emu" - sung by Clive Waterhouse.
* "Captain's Magic Buttons" - deleted from the schedule as no-one knows
who the Dockers captain is.
* "Swim Henry Swim"- changed to the name of "Swim Benny Swim" to
inspire Benny Allan to start swimming feverishly before his coaching
career drowns.
Cheers
Chris Chamberlain
Date: Wed, 11 Jul 2001 11:30:08 +1000
From: Keith Payne
Yes, enough of the tired old formats. Let's move into the 21st
century........
How about putting a camera in the home of some footballers and filming
their everday life from now until the end of the season. Then all the
supporters could pay $200 a head (sausage sizzle included) to sit down
and watch edited highlights. I know it sounds boring, but apparently it's
not. The camera could be in the home of Sav and Anthony Rocca, and the
show could be called
" BIG AND LITTLE BROTHER". Kangaroos and Magpie supporters could hold a
joint function.
All of this makes me think of a very, very, very late entry for round
2......a new tactic to allieviate the boredom. How about when the coach
is about to make a change off the bench, 3 candidates for being dragged
are put up on the big screen. The supporters "vote" by waving their
scarves (thus preventing opposition supporters manipulating the vote) for
their favoured candidate for " dragging". Then Pagen takes off Clayton.
Could work, couldn't it?
Keith Payne
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 07:08:30
From: Gary Ablett
Never mind AC/DC travelling down Swanston St. playing "It's along way to
the top (if you wanna rock'n'roll)" circa. 1975. I envisage The Fremantle
Dockers travelling along Punt Rd. on the back of an old beat up Kenworth
playing "It's long way to the 'G if you wanna win a game".
Bugger Angus Young playing the guitar. I see a shaggy haired ragamuffin
Shaun McManus strumming his air guitar, head banging away.
Bon Scott lead singer ? Who needs Bon when you've got another great West
Australian Dale Kickett to belt out a tune, not to mention belt a few
unruly spectators provoking him to sing 'Sadie, the cleaning lady" a la
Johnnie Farnham (as apposed to John Farnham).
A scrawny Malcolm Young playing guitar ? No. Get Jason Norrish to grow
back his hair and have it flowing in the wind. I can hear the ladies
screaming with delight right now.
The bag-pipe players I hear you ask.
Well two that could blow a lot of wind for Fremantle, creatingthat
annoying noise - get the only 2 supporters who know the song to sing it
as an encore to "It's a long way to the G'"
That should see them raise the funds to get to sunny Albany.
Travis of Shepparton.
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 18:48:27 +1000
From: "Salton, Jeff"
G'day Simon,
Spewing! The only week you've been away and I was unable to submit an
entry. Oh well, let me know next time you're going to be absent and I'll
double my efforts.
My idea for the all new player review is a macro version of Big Brother -
called Big Kids.
The concept is as follows:
12 players get to act as immature as possible while the coaching staff
vote one of them out every 10 minutes.
This concept works for any club, but for the purposes of this
competition, I'll go with the safety of the Tigers.
The group is made up of:
2 forwards (Richo and Matty Rogers)
3 midfielders (Knights, Campbell and Daffy)
2 backmen (Andrew Kellaway, Darren Gaspar)
2Rucks (BradOttens and Benny Gale)
2 players formerly from other clubs (Steven Sziller, Clinton King)
1 unashamed left-footer (Joel Bowden)
How it starts ...
Curtain goes up in front of a full house at club's pokie's venue. Wild
applause. "Welcome to Big Kids", booms a second rate booth announcer
(one of the usual suspects). More wild applause.
A huge two-way mirror is positioned on the right of the stage, behind it
sits the coaching staff (Spud Frawley, Darren Crocker, Tony Jewell, Greg
Hutchinson and theFlea) to observe the players' every move.
Players enter to thunderous applause wearing grotty clothes and needing a
haircut, and stroll to centre stage where a collection ofvelvet
coveredsofas, bean bagsand throw cushions are spread in a semi-circle,
facing the audience. Richo stops and checks his reflection in the giant
mirror, smooths hair on top of head.
JeffFrom Kilsyth
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 09:16:00 -0000
From: barry tyrrell
Every one is sick of the old Club Functions. Seeing players in a dress
and singing badly or parading the stage in nothing at all has been done to
death. The Typical players review lasts one night and is out dated. Why
not have clubs launch into the new Centry with a Modern idea ie: steal
someone elses. Player revues could last the whole off season and be huge ratings winners and money spinners at the same time.
"Pre Season Big Brother" Just imagine the full days pre season training
being edited into a half hour nightly show. Players go in to a diary
room and nominate the worst trainer for the week. The Fans would then ring up
to vote players off the list. Everyone wins. It's a well known fact that
fans in the outer know more about football than any coach.
Richard Tyrrell, Richmond.
The ball's a spud
Hot Potatoe Hot Potatoe
We play like duds
Hot Potatoe Hot Potatoe
It's all for fun
Hot Potatoe Hot Potatoe
We dont play in the sun.
Rupanyup
When you tackle a player - YOU MAKE IT STRONG
When your with the wind you - KICK IT LONG, KICK IT LONG
When the board, When the board endorses me I get sa-acked, I don't look
ba-ack
"You're the one that I want, you are the one that I want - you, you, you
baby
He's the Demon Wizard there goes his left hamstring
I have a dog of a team
When I started, the team was committed and loyal
Now I would just like to - give it all in
Smooth beautiful skills
Marking, kicking, scoring the crowd adoring
Give me up to there, "talls"
6 foot and over
Here Richo, there Buckley
Everywhere, why can't I have skills ,skills, skills, skills ,skills
We are now in the eight, we will not be ninth again
We had victories at the G, we had victories when away
And in September, this time we will be there, when at last the finals come
(Coaching panel confers).
Frawley to Flea: "Drag Richo. He's full of himself".
Flea sprints around mirror and grabs Richo by the arm.
Flea: "You've been voted off." Richo, crestfallen, skulks off the stage.
Announcer: And then there were 11...
Players mingle, tell fart jokes and boast of their many exploits for 10
minutes.
(Coaching panel confers).
Frawley to Flea: "Drag Ottens. He's full of it". Flea sprints on and
grabs Otto.
Players then strip for pseudo shower scene and strut around for 10
minutes.
(Coaching panel confers). Frawley to Flea: "Drag Sziller. He's too fat".
Players have sculling competition for 10 minutes.
(Coaching panel confers). Frawley to Flea: "Drag Daffy. He's too good at
it".
Players make small talk for 10 minutes.
(Coaching panel confers). Frawley to Flea: "Drag Kellaway, Gaspar and
Knights. They're allfar too straight". Out they go.
Enter wild card - Andrew Krakouer - young, dynamic, cute and Aboriginal -
joins the original Big Kids on stage.
(Coaching panel beams at the young prospect)
Players now have to vote one of their own off ...
The votes are collected and the announcer reports:
Joel votes for Krakouer, Matty Rogers for Krakouer, Cambo - Krakouer,
Benny - Krakouer, Kingy - Krakouer, Krakouer - Rogers (He's not stupid).
Announcer: "Obviously, the players feel threatened by the new arrival, so
he must go back to the Magoos."
Crowd boos.
In the end, the remaining players tell more fart jokes, compare injuries,
whinge about their pay, and tell of the sexual prowess.
The crowd is becoming restless andfrequenting the bar and toilets more
and moreso the coaching staff throws the voting over to them.
When the audience votes are collected, the winner is ... Cambo -
acontroversial choice. Howcan it be?No-one can believe that Cambo
wasn't voted off earlier, if not even before Richo!
Oh well, the club then hasthe mandatory raffle andauctions off props
from the night. It makes a tidy packet to contribute to the end-of-year
trip for the players. On the strength of the night, the Tiges will be
staying in the Rosebud Caravan Park off-season for a weekend.