The Coodabeen Champions Competition
Round Seventeen
For this week's competition we want you to write the Job Advertisement to appear nationwide as part of the Saints' exhaustive search for a new coach.
Date: Sat, 21 Jul 2001 14:37:58 +1000
From: Andrew H. McLean
WANTED: Coach, ability to give a rats tossbag essential.
Date: Sun, 22 Jul 2001 15:21:39 +1000
From: Julian Toohey
gday, stoked to be read out on air again, cheers.
stkilda, in my area of expertise (joke) but in the near future, stkilda
might publish an advertisement in the paper.
FULL TIME
Child care worker-level 3
some experience necessary, suit person in moorabbin/brighton area.
job will involve handling a varying degree of childs ability, handling
learning and practicalinability of tony delany to oustanding performing
and natural tallent of aaron hamill and brownlow harvey.
salary is negotiable, but as the whole of the stkilda board are
millionaires, you might become one aswell....
hours.
every saturday night, as that is the only time stkilda play games
nowadays, extra care and responsibilty must be taken from the 9:45 pm
onwards for the night games, as after that the team goes to sleep and
loses!!!!!!!!
conditions.
must be commited and attend obligatory functions, no one from
interstate!!!
please contact
stkilda football club
linton st moorabbin
Julian Toohey
Date: Sun, 22 Jul 2001 18:33:35 +1000
From: Garry Flaherty
I apologise for my drollness and to Saints supporters, and also to Mongols,
Appearing nationally in this weeks Mongolian Football Record, positions
vacant
column,
‰•†ÌžËÈΆ“— ‰•†ÌžËÈΆ“—
²ÎÒšÌ »ž žÛ•ýÎ
VÌ”›ÒÌËÈ ýœÛΓvÈ ·ýÈ”ÎšÌ Á†’ΆÎ
«ýÒ“ËÈÌ “ýÁý•, ÚýÌžËÏ
‰•†ÌžËÈ ÒýÈ”
«ýÒ“ËÈÌ “ýÁ•šÌ ¹›•›“ ›•žÎ›ž “ýÁý•
ÃÓÌ“ÓÎ ²ÎÒšÌ ^?ýÏ”ÛÛ”
1. (•†ÌžËÈ —Ë“ vv•“ËÈÌ)
* ˆý”ýý” ž›•“ËÈÌ ^?ýÏ
‹ýÌžvv, ›”ËÈÌ ÁýÒ“ËÈÌ ^?ýÏ
¹ÛÛθ ÁvÈ, 10% ”ÓÚÓÓ” ž›•“ËÈÌ
^?ýÏ
Translation= 1. Laurie Lawrence motivational
tapes/devices
provided.
* We guarantee to better any
offer by any
other club you talk to by 10%.(just show us your docket).
See you at the football,
Garry Flaherty.
Date: Sun, 22 Jul 2001 19:32:37 +1000
From: Greg & Sue Hoysted
To: Simon
From: The Board, Simon's Terrific Koodabeens(Sic) Footy Comp (StK
F.C.)
Re: The position of Head Judge.
Simon,
I have listened with growing concern this season to your
comments about the 22 brave and proud, young, middle aged and old men
and women who contribute to the comp each week. (I'm sorry if this
letter seems emotional but I'm nearly in tears when I think of the
strain the players must be going through at the moment.)
Your failure to embrace the core values of the StK F.C. has become more
obvious as the season has progressed. The last straw was to hear you
criticise a player on Saturday for using "old jokes". Surely you must
realise that this is THE core value of the StK F.C. We pride ourselves
on our use of the retrospectoscope and other such tactics to retain the
interest of our loyal fans. Even your fellow board members could not
conceal their attitude towards the failure of the "Gilligan's Island"
entry to receive adequate recognition. I am afraid your continued
inability to embrace the Comp's core values means we must terminate your
services and seek a replacement. Accordingly, the following
advertisement will appear in the national press during the week.
WANTED: Head Judge for Simon's Terrific Koodabeens Footy Comp. (StK
F.C.)
No experience necessary but computer and internet skills would be an
advantage.
Must be able to ski. (Snowboarding is NOT an acceptable alternative.)
Encyclopaedic knowledge of VFL and VFA football in the 1960s and 1970s
is a vital quality for a successful applicant. (* Note)
It would be desireable if the applicant had not seen a game of AFL
football live since the 1980s, but some allowances will be made for
occasional lapses (such as to the Grand Final).
Ability to edit, paraphrase, distort and omit material from entries is
essential.
Must be impervious to criticism.
RENUMERATION : One guaranteed ticket to the Grand Final and unlimited
ski lift hire in the Victorian Alps.
(* Note) I grew up in North Melbourne's country zone in the late 60s and
early 70s and saw their players regularly at practice matches and footy
clinics. In those days, they had a lot of guys who looked just like Tony
Leonard.
Send your applications complete with C.V. and demo tape to :
The Chairman
StK F.C.
Cyberspace
Greg Hoysted
Date: Mon, 23 Jul 2001 12:47:41 +1000
From: jason j. moller
Coodabeens, been listening intently and i dont believe it is any good
StKilda looking for a new coach, i am an avid listener who resides in the
country Vic area. It is my belief that the trouble St Kilda has ben
having with coaches in the past is all player lead and it is for this
reason that i believe Ray Hall (yes father of Barry) should coach StKilda
because it is common knowledge that Barry is "S*** SCARED" of his old man
so i think that if old Ray can keep Bary in check he should be able to
keep the player list in check and maybe just maybe StKilda could keep a
coach for more than 100 games.
Date: Mon, 23 Jul 2001 13:53:42 +1000
From: Mark Smith
Dear Simon,
My suggestion is a nationwide advert in all the big papers as follows:-
COACH REQUIRED: GLAMOUROUS BAYSIDE LOCATION
TALK SHOW ON THE COUCH?, READING THE NIGHTLY SPORT?, INCISIVE RADIO
COMMENTS MAN?
All this and more
ONLY WAY IS UP!
Fantastic opportunity for unknown current assistant (acting) coach to
"TAKE THE REIGNS FOR THE RIDE OF YOUR LIFE"
Last coach unfortunately was called away before the ride was completed so
"GET ON BOARD"
Struggling Club that has hit rock bottom now selling tickets for "THE
THRILL OF YOUR LIFE"
You will know that you are the person to "TURN THIS AROUND"
An ability to understand and mouth current business buzzwords is required
(if only to be able to converse with the President)ie The glass is always
half full blah blah
No previous experience required (example St TIMMY).
If you would like a career in the meeja in about 2 years, do your
apprenticeship now at the finishing school without peer.
Weekly crisis press conferences at the "Trevor Barker" room will give you
great experience for the meeja career that awaits. Our last four coaches
have all gone on to great things in the meeja so why not you? (St Kenny,
St Stan, St Timmy and St Malcolm)
We are an equal opportunity employer (Joyce Brown, Caro Wilson?)
Previous wild party experience will be looked apon favourably as will
bona fide membership of animal enclosure circa 1984.
In keeping with the cosmopolitan nature of the suburb we represent, some
lateral thinking group leadership consortium IS ENCOURAGED. Only young
actors, journos, artists, multi media students need apply. Must have own
hair, good teeth, and a photographic family (for the New Idea spread).
If you've got the face, we could be the place!
Mark Smith(remember Gilligan?)
3182
Date: Mon, 23 Jul 2001 07:52:30 +0000
From: Travis Bull
These two ads appeared this week in Melbourne's newspaper employment
sections:
Person required for big brother series II (13 week appointment)
Chosen Candidate will need to be outgoing and have a quirk or two. The
chosen candidate will also need to help create and evolve the culture in the
house. They will need to be prepared to be filmed continuously 24 x 7 for 13
weeks with highlights shown nightly. Candidate may be voted out of house any
of the 13 weeks.
Person required to coach St Kilda football club (16 week appointment)
Chosen candidate will need to be slightly outgoing but not two much and also
be free of any quirks what so ever. The candidate will need to fit into the
existing culture of the St Kilda football club. Candidate may be filmed
continuously over the 16 weeks depending of win loss/ratio. Candidate may be
voted out by St Kilda board at any time during this 16 weeks.
Travis Bull
Date: Mon, 23 Jul 2001 18:10:32 +1000
From: Cheryl Harvey
HAVE YOU BEEN ON THE DOLE TOO LONG??? BECOMING FRUSTRATED AT THE LACK OF
OPPORTUNITY? WELL WE MAY HAVE JUST THE POSITION FOR YOU!
JUST RECENTLY VACATED POSITION WITH A SALARY OF $1MIL
LONG TERM CONTRACT VERY NEGOTIABLE
ABILITY TO RELATE TO UNDERACHIEVERS VITAL
JOIN A YOUNG, SENSITIVE (able to cry!) MANAGEMENT TEAM ALL OUT OF IDEAS!
WE NEED THE INPUT OF A VIBRANT PERSON WITH NEITHER AUTONOMY OR ALOOFNESS IN
MIND, JUST THE ABILITY TO GET OUT THERE AND PUT THE SCORE ON THE BOARD
PREFERABLY IN OUR FAVOUR FOR A CHANGE.
INTERESTED???? YOU SHOULD BE.....
WE HAVE HAD ONLY 4 CHANGES IN STAFF IN THE PAST 2 WKS!
WRITTEN APPLICATIONS TO: DESPERATE DEPARTMENT
ST KILDA FOOTBALL CLUB
C/O - CARETAKER IN CHARGE OF INJURED PARTIES
Date: Mon, 23 Jul 2001 18:02:59 +1000
From: Bob Crain
to be run in the Executive Positions Section of the Melbourne Age and
the Friday Financial Review exclusively!
LINK YOUR LONG TERM CAREER PROSPECTS TO THIS ESTABLISHED ORGANIZATION...
SENIOR RELATIONSHIP MANAGER -
(includes Head Coaching responsibility)
SOUTHERN BAYSIDE SUBURBAN LOCATION:
Work with young responsible athletes,
Back stabbing middle management
Young and irresponsible Board
QUALIFICATIONS:
* Success at a similar position at the highest (or any) level of the
game
* Ability to take complete blame for everyone else's mistakes
* Ability to work under 24 hour media surveillance
* Extreme patience level required for dealing with prima dona
"employees"
AN EXCELLENT REMUNERATION PACKAGE IS ON OFFER TO THE RIGHT CANDIDATE WHO
CAN WAIT TWO YEARS
FOR THE PREVIOUS HOLDER OF THIS POSITION TO BE PAID OUT.
PREVIOUS APPLICANTS FOR THIS POSITION MAY REAPPLY
PREVIOUS HOLDERS OF THIS POSITION NEED NOT REAPPLY
Please submit your C.V. including, suggested coaching methods, time
availablefor attendance to training, functions, events etc,
ability to accept and embrace mediocrity, and golf handicap, to ST KILDA
FOOTBALL CLUB INC - MOORABBIN OVAL
Bob the Yank
Date: Mon, 23 Jul 2001 21:43:38 +1000
From: Sean Brown
Wanted : Promotions, Public and Player Relations Officer.
The St. Kilda Football Club is seeking expressions of interest for the
position named above.
Applicants are required to be :
- Highly motivated, with the ability to motivate others.
- Able to work as part of a team, but also with the ability to go it
alone.
- Of a high level of fitness, as the job may entail walking.
- A good communicator, as liasing with the media will be an important
part,
particularly after matches.
- Excellent when communicating via the telephone and/or two way radio.
The position involves :
- Attending training on a daily basis.
- Addressing the players at the end of each quarter.
- Ensuring players are ready for games, which will be played at the end
of
each week.
- Attending Club functions such as a fund raising and supporter nights.
- Attending all games where you will have reserve seating, inside the
small
box that the television cameras focus on so much, so you will be able to
tell Mum, Dad and all your friends where to look.
- You will also get to see what is on the oversized magnetic board, and
occasionally you will get to play with it.
If you feel you are capable of fulfilling the requirements listed above, if
you feel that you have the necessary get-up-and-go attitude to be the next
Promotions, Public and Player relations officer at the St. Kilda Football
Club then please apply in writing to the club, applications in Crayon will
not be accepted.
From Sean
P.S. I know it's too late but for last weeks comp, surely "The kids", would
be a good seller. Framed photos of all the children who have been carried on
to the ground with their old man when he plays his, 200th, 300th or last
game, anyway.
Date: Tue, 24 Jul 2001 07:59:25 +1000
From: Steven Edwards
The following ad will be in all the leading newspapers around the country
to find the one person who can take the Saints to their second premiership
in the next 3 years.
______________________________________________________________
AFL HEAD COACH REQUIRED - ST KILDA FOOTBALL CLUB
(or any junior footy club for that matter)
Previous AFL coaching experience not necessary. In fact, it may just prove
to be a hinderance to your chances. However, the successful applicant will
need to have the ability to work with and teach young players the skills
required to work as team in order to win a long over due premiership.
The St Kilda FC has narrowed it's search down to the one individual, whom
Rod Butterss (President) and Jim Watts (CEO) know from their recent
involvement with the very successful East Sandringham Junior Football
Club. He goes by the name of "Ox", and known to family and friends as
Michael Atkinson. The last reported sighting of Ox was on building site in
the suburban bayside area, not too far away from Moorabbin.
______________________________________________________________________
When asked by the mead-jah, Why Ox? Butterss replied to the mead-jah: "Ox
came to East Sandy as an untried coach, and took on group of kids just a
week before the 1997 season started in the local comp's Under 9's 2nd
division. He had a 3 year plan to turn these kids into a successful TEAM.
From a 0-6 start they ended up 7-7, pretty respectable result without any
preseason let alone touching footy's. The following season (1998) in under
10's Ox took the TEAM to the finals , yet got knocked out in the
preliminary final. After some outstanding pre-season recruiting the
following season (1999) they went all the way and knocked off the
undefeated side to win the U11 2nd div flag. Just goes to prove that a
Champion TEAM, always beats a team of Champions. The following season
(2000) in Under 12's, they were promoted to the 1st division and finished
5th in their first season in the top flight and just missed the finals,
yet they proved to be difficult opponents to each of the finalist, as well
as the eventual premiers, who coincidentally were the also the East Sandy
Under 12's no.1 side. That, added Butterss, is why OX is the man that the
St Kilda Footy Club wants as it new coach for the 2002 season."
Butterss added: "Rumour had it that his assistant coach /runner, Steve
Edwards and fill-in runner, John 'Ghost' Williams were the real
masterminds as they always changed Ox's messages whenever they ran out to
give instructions. So we are also seeking them to be on Ox's coaching
panel."
With a proven track record of getting the best out of a group of young
kids, and moulding them into a successful team, Rod, Jim and the rest of
the St Kilda board know they have their man - if the price is right.
Although, Ox was overheard to have said "$100,000 a season would be
nice....who really needs $1,000,000!"
News just to hand, apparently a reliable source from across the Nullabour
(think Scotty Watters) has the good oil that the Dockers also have their
eye on Ox, and that they are simply using the idea of luring Eade, Pagan
and Wallace as a distraction. So the Saints "better act fast before the
slow moving Ox move's west" (a Malthouse-ism).
Steve Edwards
Date: Tue, 24 Jul 2001 09:18:46 +1000
From: Mark Giuliano
WANTED
One self-loathing, broad shouldered, football coach.
Some exposure to Australian Rules football would be consideredan
advantage, but is not essential.
Must be available at night to attend training sessions, opposition clubs
matches and club auctions. A desire to travel with other members of the
team to interstate matches will be also considered favourably.
If you are career minded, think carefully before applying. This position
is most certainly NOT a stepping stone to other like positions.
Those seeking job satisfaction need not apply.
An attractive salary package can be arranged, including such fringe
benefits as free membership to the Saints Disco and free tous of the
Animal Enclosure for family and friends.
Applications can be forwarded to Linton Street Moorabbin.
Please include a stamped, self-addressed envelope with a pro-forma
dismissal letter addressed to yourself. (This will save us a lot of
effort in 4 to 6 months time.)
Mark Giuliano
Date: Tue, 24 Jul 2001 01:58:43
From: stuart mcarthur
Dear Simon,
It's no big deal or anything but my entry last week, that you didn't have
time for, was actually co-conceived by two dozen boat children detained in a
compound outside Darwin.
These kids don't get many thrills nowadays. The highlight of their year so
far was my calling and asking if they'd like to write something to be read
on air by eminent media personality Simon Whelan.
A lot of thought went into positioning the funniest phrase in our gag.
After days of rewrites, we audience-tested it on 200 of their families,
friends and security staff.
70% preferred the punchiest phrase near the middle of the joke, which is
how, you'll recall, it was presented.
By now the gag was so spectacular, we secretly hoped CNN would hear it, pick
it up, and broadcast it internationally as part of a wacky downunder
gag-fest.
On Saturday, we waited proudly and excitedly for your 11am readout.
In your wisdom, you chose not to read our gag, but you know best.
And don't be concerned, noone's bitter. Just sad. I did reassure them
though that heartless disregard is NOT the Australian way, merely Simon
Whelan's. Happily, I sensed their spirits lifting.
I know you're an important man Simon, and the plight of these war-torn
refugees is small potatoes, but, well, I just thought you should know.
Anyway, keep up the good work Simon.
sincerely,
Stuart McArthur
PS: I know you're now after amusing St Kilda coaching ads, but
unfortunately I'm otherwise occupied with matters of larger consequence.
But good luck to you and your funny jokester pals.
Date: Tue, 24 Jul 2001 13:10:14 +1000
From: Joe Kirby
EXECUTIVE POSITIONS
Our client is based in the bayside suburbs of the world's most liveable city.
The role they offer is as diverse as the fascinating history that comes with
the position. Surrounded by a team of executives dedicated to a set of core
values and facilities that can not be compared to our competition, this role
will be the defining moment of the succesful applicant's career.
We are looking for someone with extensive experience who can think outside the
centre square yet remain within the guidelines of our inner circle.
A charismatic, outspoken personality who knows what they can say and to whom
they can say it. You will be expected to mould (sic) our young team of
professionals into respected players in a cut-throat competition.
The succesful applicant will be offered a lucrative long term performance based
contract. Dont put a Blight on your chance to miss this once in a lifetime
opportunity.
Cheers,
Joe Kirby
Date: Tue, 24 Jul 2001 13:38:15 +1000
From: Tim Goddard
I was having a squiz at the local rag the other day and this popped up right in
front of me. I said to myself, "Tim, this looks like an ad for the St Kilda
position". "Too right" I replied to myself.
Well, here's the ad, Verbatim in print.
Ch Ch Ch Changes
Are you a born Leader of Men?
A major leader in sporting and social pursuits requires the services of an
experienced Leader of Men to undertake the day to day management of the team.
The team consists of 38 active personnel who participate on a roster basis with
the majority of activity undertaken on weekends (between February and August).
Ongoing support in September may be required if Key Performance Indicators are
met.
After a long line of previous incumbents, the board is keen to sign a long
term prospect with proven experience who can-
: maximise win-lose outcomes
: raise a souffle twice
: deliver positive outcomes in a lose-win situation
: ensure a culture of win-lose is ingrained in all personnel
: reinvent the wheel where required
: circumvent the directions of the board if it benefits the majority of the
team members resulting in a win-lose outcome
: incite derision where applicable
: grow moss on a rolling stone
: appoint loyal deputies to undertake the more mundane tasks of the position
(strategy, jumper counting and clip board presentation)
: ignore ongoing requests by the President to allocate more time to the
position over and above the scheduled 110 hours per week.
: deliver snakes into Ireland without the snakes knowing it
: smile a lot
High quality candidates are preferred with extensive experience in the sport as
eluded to above. Remuneration (pay) will be in line (commensurate) with
experience and dental work.
All applications are to be delivered in person to Messrs Butteress and Thomas
at 10 Linton Ave, Moorabbin, 2.10 PM, this Saturday (28 July).
I am pretty sure that's how the Ad went.
" Paint the Plimsoll"
Cheers
Tim g.
Date: Tue, 24 Jul 2001 15:41:40 EDT
From: Usmaynards@aol.com
COACH WANTED
A vacancy exists for a person to coach an elite group of dedicated
athletes.
The sucessful applicant must know how to 'find' old, expensive players
other
clubs don't want and teach them the St Kilda ethos - drink, lose and be
merry. The words disciplinary action and we played 1 good quarter must be
fully understood. It would be a big advantage if the applicant had a
direct
line to the big guy upstairs who, as we know had a son who played full
back
for Jerusalem.
Karen Maynard
Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2001 11:43:35 +1000
From: Bill Hall
from: Richard Hall
The following advetisement will appear in the Public Notices section of
the Herald Sun on the first Saturday in November:
ST. JUDE -
We are still waiting.
- S.K.
Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2001 11:52:56 +1000
From: Mark.Wylie@gsoconnect.com.au
To be listed in the Situations Vacant Section not Professional
Appointments.
Part Time Temporary Entertainment Industry Coaching Position
Able to start immediately? Current occupant left suddenly with little
warning for this much sought after Snr position located in Melbourne's
southern suburbs.
This 100 year old organisation seeks a Snr Coach for its 2002 season. If
you have the following skills or experience then apply below.
Experience in the Coaching arena is preferred, however not mandatory, Media
Personalities, Ex Players and Publicans may possess the required skills.
Experience in counseling substance abuse victims and advantage.
A polished public speaker able to creatively describe positives in a
loosing situation.
No Golfers need apply.
Conditions include;
- Generous Long Service Leave arrangements payable after 5 years.
- Garranteed 5 months leave during summer 9 out of 10 years.
- Unrestricted use of full Gymnasium Equipment
- Extensive social engagements.
- Full support of the Board of Directors
Contact Grant Thomas
P.O. Box 1034
Moorabin
Victoria, 3189
Suggest that they run the Have you been unfairly dismissed add which
appears every day in the classifieds listed below this add.
Regards
Mark Wylie
Research
Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2001 14:34:43 +1000
From: "Salton, Jeff"
G'day Simon,
As a 'Sainter', have you considered applying for the position yourself?
That would make three media personalities in a row (see, I can be kind,
too). Anyway, they could do worse. Here's my entry. Wish me luck.
Wanted: Performance Enhancer
A challenging new role has been created at theAFL's most promising club
(we promise to keep you for at least a year).
Description: The Performance Enhancer will be requiredto convert
sub-standard and below-par on-field performances to that
ofcrowd-pleasing winning ways and premiership points. The talented
person we are seeking will also have the ability to conduct attitude
by-passes off-field on one or more of the playing personnel.
Duties:Our new Performance Enhancer must be team-oriented, have
the ability to work under pressure seven days a week (more when
required), be willing to share in praise, accept all blame, profusely
thank that Board for its support and deny any rift among the players.
The successful applicant will also need to display the following
qualities:
* Big heart (to keep beating when most others would have stopped)
* Large brain (to cunningly answer media questions about the club)
* Short neck (to avoid the chop)
* Thick skin (to withstand the slings and arrows)
* Extra hard butt (to absorb many kicks)
* 20/20 hindsight (to see what went wrong before it happened)
Previous experience in a similar role is desirable, a premiership flag or
two would be looked on favourably.
- St Kilda Football Club reserves the right not to necessarily accept the
lowest bid (yeah right).
Apply in writing to Rod Butterss, c/- St Kilda Football Club. Offer
expires Saturday, 1 September 5pm 2001.
Previous applicants need not apply.
Jeff Salton
Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2001 17:25:17 +1000
From: Glenn
WANT TO EARN $1MILLION IN JUST 9 MONTHS?
DO YOU ENJOY TRAVELLING?
WANT TO GO TO THE FOOTBALL EVERY WEEK?
WANT TO MEET REX HUNT AND GARY LYON?
If you answer yes to any of these questions then we
want to speak with you!
The St Kilda Football Club has a short term vacancy
for senior coach in 2002. You do not require coaching
experience, nor do you require communication skills.
The ideal candidate would have performed on Count Down
or any Logies night in the past 15 years - as miming
skills are essential. The ability to hold a telephone and
experience with fridge magnets will also be heavily regarded.
You will be required to move your arms and legs in an agitated
manner, whilst opening and closing your mouth. The words will
be relayed from The Boardroom via a small speaker inserted
in your throat, where board members will take turns moving
players, rotating the bench and addressing the media.
In return we will pay you $1Million, give you the
best seat at the footy, any game, every game. Business Class
airfares for all interstate games and we'll even get you on television.
At the conclusion of Round 15, 2002 you will be sacked.
No strings attached.
Glenn from Newport.
Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2001 22:00:47 +1000
From: Glenn Smooker
Circus Worker Required
Saints CircusTroup (leaders in off-field entertainment) are searching
for a special individual to be activelyinvolved inour 2002 season.
If you are searching for a highly demanding and challenging short term
position (ie. maximum 6 to 12 months) then this is the job for you.
Benefits for joining are:
a. Excellent hourly rate:- previous incumbent earnt over
$50,000.00 per hour
b. Great social club
c. Fun environment (that is Fun with a capital 'F'!!!!)
To be successful for this role you will be required to perform the
following acts:
1. Walk the tight-rope
2. Dodge knives thrown at a high velocity
3.Execute back-flips at your bosses demand
4. Make assistants disappear (ala Hinkley and Jonas) and
5.Perform ad-hoc clown tasks.
The role also requiressome leadership skills but in the main you will
reporting directly to Ringmaster Rod Butters and his 2IC Grant Thomas
If you possess previous experience in the media and appreciate an open
communication forum, in a constantly changing environment then Saints
Circus Troup has the job for you.
If you are interested in this position, firstly seek psychiatric
counselling and secondlycontact Saint Circus Troup.
Introverts need not apply.
Regards
Glenn Smooker
PS: Simon - I'm still chasing my first win in the comp after almost 20
years. How about an encouragement award?!!
Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2001 21:55:59 +1000
From: Darrell Nash
Situations Vacant:
St.Kilda Football Club - Senior Coaching Position 2002+
Applicants must meet the following criteria
* Have VFL/AFL Playing & Coaching experience
* Premiership player & coach
* Media friendly
* Victorian
* BYO Support Staff (Shaw,Harvey,Daniher). Our's left.
* BYO Players (Hird,Lloyd,Mercuri,Misiti,Fletcher,Wellman,Johnston's,
Ramanauskas,Lucas ......). Our's are no good.
* BYO Supporters. We're miserable.
* BYO Sponsors. We're broke.
* BYO Culture. Our's, apparantly, isn't much good.
* First name Kevin.
* Surname Sheedy.
Please! Please! Please! Please! Apply.
Applications to Grant Thomas ( Director of Who Coaches our Club) .
Darrell Nash
Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2001 23:39:27 +1000
From: Doug Long
DEAR SIMON,
Any similarity to anyone alive is a stroke of good fortune.
THE SAINTS COACHING JOB AD:
Section 1: Qualifying Questions.
Only move to Section 2 if you circle answer "A" for each question.
1. We value honesty at Moorabbin.
Are you honest?
A: Yes
B: No
2. My coaching ideas are:
A: Less weird than Malcolm’s
B: Weirder than Malcolm’s
3. For an afternoon game, your players should reach peak performance at:
A: 2– 5 pm
B: 2– 5 AM
4. Do you know the meaning of the term: "Dark murky places"?
A: Yes
B: No
5. Is long term job security a big issue for you?
A: No
B: Yes
6. What does P. F. S. stand for? (to you)
A: Passion For Saints
B: Passion Fruit Sponge
7. Is, "THE SCOREBOARD GOT US" the lamest excuse you have ever heard?
A: Yes
B: No (don’t explain; we are not interested)
Only if you have answered all "A"s so far, progress to
Determining Question.
Pick the correct answer here (possibly "A"; perhaps "B") and the job is
almost yours.
8. What is your attitude to blokes in suits wandering amongst the
players.
A: That’s okay; as long as they contribute to the club
B: Blokes in suits! That is the crux of the problem around here. Our
B: Blokes in suits! That is the crux of the problem around here. Our
blokes in suits are 500% worse than their counterparts in all the other
clubs. Fix this problem and we will go top four next year. No dedication,
our "suited blokes"!
For example, on July 21, 2001 our club was in crisis. This one suited
bloke was asked if he was going to "be there for the club" at the
Bulldogs game. His answer was, "No, I have a prior commitment". What
rubbish! I’ll give him prior commitment! Doesn’t he know the
draw came out in October 2000!
Let me say right here and now to these blokes in suits: "Once the draw
comes out, THAT IS your prior commitment. Nothing else matters."
Give me the coaching job and that’s the first group I will address.
I have a dream; I’m heading for the mountain top; etc etc ad
infinitum.
You, Simon, can muse on whether 8A or 8B is the correct answer.
Here ends the entry.
PS: Explain this to me.
The Bombers were 69 points down and got to a lead of 19 points max (turn
around = 88 points)
Same day, the Cats were 22 points down and got to a 70 point lead (turn
around = 92 points– and, mathematically, 92 > 88)
AND they had to travel interstate.
AND they didn’t blow their lead like the Bombers did!
But, despite the Cats performance being clearly better than the Bombers,
the MEED-YA TOTALLY IGNORED IT! (must have been asked by the Cats to keep
a lid on it!)
Doug Long
Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001 09:00:38 +1000
From: "Anniss, Angela (VIC)"
Job Ad for new coach (and assistant) for St Kilda
As we are well aware of our precious player's needs with Stan being far too
tough on the players, and Malcolm "The Messiah" not embracing the club, we
have decided to go for a softer, more caring, soothing approach to our
coaching position. After the failure of The Messiah, we are now looking for
"The Masseur". The successful applicant will be of fair complexion, European
origin, over 6 foot 4 inches in height, over 16 stone of muscle with good
tanned skin and a dopey but likeable smile. A Christian name of Sven would
be an advantage.
The Masseur would require an assistant to do the more abrasive tasks
around the club. "The Masochist" is required to perform such tasks as:
* Post match press interviews
* Replying to supporters mail
* Collection of players from hotels, lockups etc......
The successful applicant needs only to be able to cope with constant
humiliation and failure.
Steve Anniss
Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001 09:19:47 +1000
From: "Treseder, Peter"
Simon,
I suggest the following ad. should be placed in all papers as soon as
possible.
***************
You have known the best of times
You have shown wisdom
You have been sustained by belief
You have seen a season of light
You have experienced a summer of hope
If these attributes describes you as a coach, apply for the recently vacated
coaching position at the St Kilda Football Club, where you can go through it
all again.
**************
Peter "Trash" Treseder
Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001 02:05:41 +0000
From: barry tyrrell
P.S. Simon, I know it's a PS but I put this first so you would
acually
read it. I was a weekly winner last year and so attended the
Coodabeens
Convention. Stuart McArthur (spelling) chastised you for not reading
out
some entries that the weekly entrants had put so much time and effort
into; just mentioning a name then adding "nice one". I just want to
let
you know with my form this year a "NICE ONE WILL BE FINE!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Job Ad for New Saints Coach"
The Saints are a bit light on for money. As a cost cutting measure
the
Saints stole this from the "Big Brother 2 Website." The similarities
between "The Ride of your Life 2" and "Big Brother 2" are spooky!
"Yes Australia, it is on again! Come and enjoy the experience of a
lifetime. The last winner of the show walked away substantially
richer and
made headlines for weeks. Join us and experience 24 hour round the
clock
scrutiny, have your every move captured; nothing is secret!"
Applicants should be aware this is a short term position. Some
experience
in fronting the media will be required upon eviction. A weekly Task
will
be set for the successful applicants to perform. You will require
management skills and an ability to work closely with your fellow
members
of the panel. A highly developed sense of humour and an apreciation
for
the absurd would be advantageous.
To apply, phone the St Kilda Football Club
Richard Tyrrell
Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001 16:24:34 +1000
From: Kevin McAloon ext. 32
"FREE BEER"
Now that we have your attention.
"Are you striving to be the top in your field?. Do you enjoy a challenge and
are prepared to take risks,whatever the circumstances?. Do you thrive on
the thrill of winning ?. Are you chasing a secure, long term appointment(
with superannuation)?.
Do you think "inside the square'' and not have "alves" running around your"
top paddock"?. Are you one who doesn't turn to "gellie" when the heat is
on ?. Do you think "Pattersons curse" is a "blight" on society or, in
fact, a flower ?. . So "Watson?", I hear you ask?.
Well ,we are chasing a coach to be at the helm of St.Kilda Football Club for
the year 2002 (or part thereof),so put your best "jeans" on and, if you meet
the above criteria, we certainly DON'T want to hear from you .Don't ring
this number now and don't get further information now. Our phones are ready
for your call now, not. Our two young receptionists Thomas and Sheldon are
not ready and waiting for your call. Call now on 1800 ADLIK TNIAS (
that's Saint Kilda backwards).
( Ponytail & Ponytail Advertising Inc.)
Kevin McAloon
Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001 18:41:18 +1000
From: malpearce
Simon,
Lets hope that this week, you actually make enough time to read out all
entries that warrant their airplay!
“ Short term contract”
“ Unqualified support of the Board”
Organisational Recovery/Reconstruction
Cultural Change Focus
Fully Autonomous Position
Our client, a unique mix of great promise and a tragic history of
underachievement, seeks to appoint a person ofspecial capabilities to
what is widely regarded within the industry as one ofthe most
challenging roles.
Managing a small team of unlimited but yet unproven potential, you will
be charged with the responsibility of redefining the culture and
re-moulding, what is currently a group of individuals, into a coherent
and fully functioning team.
A capacity to work in an ever-changing environment and in times where
things may not be what they seem, (especially when dealing with other
members of the senior management group) is a key component of the role.
Enjoying the unqualified support of the Board, you will liase
infrequently with senior managers and staff in order to get the message
across and will enjoy the relaxed atmosphere that an organization of this
type thrives upon.
A track record of whiteboard excellence will be well regarded and your
proven success in the management of media relations (especially in
difficult circumstances) will stand you in good stead for the challenges
this role will present.
A generous remuneration package is on offer to the right person and
relocation support after your term will be available.
“Come along for the ride of your life”
Malcolm Pearce
Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001 20:19:02 +1000
From: Garry Flaherty
We at St Kilda Football Industry/Club are proud of the new
foundations we have put in place,
( see attached "Core Values" ). We are proud to introduce a scheme of
bonuses for our new coach
indexed to what we refer to as our "Culture Index" or "Index de Couture"
which will be reviewed week(end)ly
starting at the figure of minus five hundred per cent (-500% ).
Yours in Football, etc.etc.
Apoliges to Mr. Butterss, Mr.Blight and Saints supporters,
Garry Flaherty
Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001 21:22:49 +1000
From: "Bruce, Ness, Madeline & Josephine"
The St Kilda Football Club have an opening for a senior coach.
The position involves running training sessions, attending club functions,
participating in the selection of the side, rearranging the deck chairs on
the Titanic and addressing post match media interviews as to why the team
lost again this week.
This unique position reports to both the St Kilda Football club board of
management as well as the senior player list.
The board are looking for someone who is 'hands on', participative,
democratic and cheap.
Performance criteria will not necessarily be related to on field success.
Applications detailing experience (if any), status in the football community
(no icons please) and plans for building the side around a number of aging
and injured stars to ensure continued performance for the next 5 years
should be forwarded to the President and all senior players of the St Kilda
Football Club.
Bruce Hardie.
Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001 21:36:23 +1000
From: Gary bourke
Looking for a career with the job security similar to Secretary of the
Painters and Dockers Union ?
Do you know the difference between Barry Hall and the Melbourne Town Hall ?
Are you a masochist ?
Are red, white and black colours you look good in and enjoy wearing ?
Are you happy to take your annual holidays in September each year ?
Do you like to change jobs every 9 months ?
Are you old enough to remember 1966 ?
Should Barry Breen be beatified
Can you cope with loss, grief and the media ?
Will you turn up to club functions ( sober) ?
Do you understand the Victorian Legal System
Have you had experience with or as a Bail Justice or do you know any one who
has ?
Do you drink milk ?
Do you know the difference between a club's culture and Culture Club
If you have answered YES to all (most) (more than 5) of the above questions
WE have the JOB for YOU !
COACH of St Kilda Football Club
Knowledge of AFL football an advantage but not essential.
Please send $150 and two copies of your resume and address your application
to
St Kilda Coaching Job
More details can be found on our website
www.Saintscoach.desperate.lastgasp.merger.com.au
v
Gary Bourke
Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001 21:48:37 +1000
From: Andrew McKie
Managerial Position.
Melbourne, Australia.
Salary: A$1 million (approx. 300000stg./ US$250000)
A position exists in a sporting organization in south-eastern Melbourne,
Australia. The business concerned has (over the last 38 years) undergone
a process of continual restructuring in an attempt to attain a position
somewhere near the forefront of its industry, with occasional degrees of
success. The successful candidate will initially be responsible for
developing and maintaining physical fitness, co-ordination, ball handling
skills and the development of a variety of game strategies in a group of
42 young male athletes.
There are also several other related responsibilities pertinent to the
above position, which include:
Player Management
-posting bail for members of the aforementioned group of 42 whenever they
find themselves temporarily incarcerated;
-acting as a character witness for members of the group whenever their
actions lead them to become subject to prosecution;
Media Liaison
The successful applicant will possess effective communication skills in
liaising with the media in cases involving:
-player management (i.e. being able to state categorically and with a
straight face that“…… I have no doubt Player X has
reformed even though this is his fourth conviction in the past 24
months’.);
-team performance (i.e.‘ even though we have used our entire list
and this is our sixth straight shellacking, the five year plan is on
track’);
-dealings with Administration (i.e.‘ I’m sorry, but how can you
possibly say that my position is in jeopardy- just last week The
President stated that he and the Board had given me their total
support’)
Attendance at Functions
The successful applicant will attend Shareholder- and supporter- focused
social gatherings, Reunions, and Fund Raising activities.
Note: Other (lesser) functions such as Pre Season Training and Weeknight
Training are also seen as being of some significance.
The successful applicant will also be responsible for either managing,
choosing to ignore, or handing over most of the above responsiblities to
a support staff as situations arise. The successful applicant may or may
not have any experience in the above role, or may have had considerable
experience and choose to totally disregard it. The successful applicant
will be directly responsible to the President and the board who, while
speaking publicly in the most positive and glowing terms, may choose to
terminate any contract at a moments notice.
Highly unconfidential expressions of interest may be forwarded via the
media; written applications may be forwarded via registered mail; or by
email to: rod@blindfold&lastcigarette.com.au
Interviews will be conducted over a five course meal (silver service) at
the interstate holiday destination of the applicant’s choice.
Andrew McKie
Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001 22:21:44 +1000
From: Jac & Pete
Rather than wasting precious time and resources on advertising for a new
coach, StKilda has decided to hold a membership RAFFLE. Year 2002 members
purchasing a membership before the end of 2001 will automatically enter a
draw for 12 positions on the StKilda Board. They will elect a coach from
amongst themselves or their friends, and will be able to accept bribes
from all and sundry. The coach can be sacked as often as the Board likes,
but a minimum of 3 sackings must occur during the season.
ADVANTAGES:
1. Memberships will be paid early to assist with 2001 debts
Jac & Pete Kilgour
Date: Fri, 27 Jul 2001 06:31:23 +1000
From: HUGH SAUNDERS
TEMP WANTED
St. Kilda Football Club wishes to appoint a Coach. This
is a temporary position - probably until about Round 8, 2002, by which
time the Board
will have decided they need another type of bloke.
Candidates must be able to optimise the performance of a
disparate group
of talented but temperamental men who have earned a
reputation for being
sometimes immature and headstrong and whose individual
idiosyncrasies
occasionally lead them into irresponsible and
undisciplined behaviour - and
that's just the Board.
Should know something about footballers too.
Applications, as usual - i.e. via the media.
P.S. Simon - Question: What do Phil Woosnam and Malcolm Blight have in
common?
Answer: One club too many.
P.P.S. Suggestion for next week's competition - Pick a team, from the
back line, of former St. Kilda coaches and assistant coaches
of
the last threeyears.
HUGH SAUNDERS
Date: Fri, 27 Jul 2001 09:07:26 +1000
From: Jeffrey Ferguson
Congratulations on the ratings!
(except Simon)
WANTED
One football coach. Must have good communications skills and be able to
look good in a track suit and/or tie. Needs to be available 24 hours a
day to receive a shellacking from the media. Must be able to locate the
MCG, Colonial Stadium, Morabbin and the St. Kilda Police Station on a map
of Melbourne. Should be able to reminise about the "good ol days of the
St. Kilda footy club" and be able to sing the club song from memory.
Ideal candidate would like a "bit of a drink with the boys" but must be
able to keep a straight face before a magistrate. Must have own dress for
player revue nights.
REMUNERATION - Subject to a verbal agreement, the club is offeringthe
successful candidate their own weight in beer per week, one clean (only
used 16 weeks) tracksuit and the use of the club's Camira for authorised
St.Kilda football functions
NO PREVIUOS EXPERIENCE NECESSARY!
Regards
Jeffrey Ferguson
Date: Fri, 27 Jul 2001 12:56:27 +1000
From: Matt Cronin
Dear Simon,
Job application requirements
Completely autonomous role - unless otherwise directed by board
Must be fluent in Martian
Blonde hair preferred - not essential - access to qualified hairdresser
available to the successful applicant
Experience with sprinkler systems required
Previous employment in the Butters empire preferred - can be from a
relatives company
Applicants name with the preferred initials Grant Thomas
Training drill descriptions
Must be able to direct team in circle work - clockwise (anti clockwise an
advantage)
Kick to kick a must at all training sessions
Running with tractor tyres
Must have own witches hats
Media skills
Can recite all the standard phrases from the AFL coaching manual - eg One
week at a time, What party boy image?, We are addressing off the ground
incidents with that particular unnamed player, he's only young, we have one
of the youngest lists going around,
Phrases from the board - We are in a rebuilding phase, This is all part of
the master plan, Yes I have been paid my salary in full, Yes, I have the
full support of the board.
Best wishes with the interviewing Simon.
Matt Cronin
Date: Fri, 27 Jul 2001 13:04:22 +1000
From: Keith Payne
The St Kilda Football Club is looking to appoint a senior coach.
No previous experience at AFL level necessary, but..
Applicants should have playing experience with the club.
Should be well presented and look good in a suit.
Previous experience as a Board member highly regarded.
Applicants are required to complete the following psychological test. In
the following word search puzzle, identify the
well-known St Kida personality. Your clue is: "has coaching aspirations".
X Y Z X Y Z X Y Z G
X Y Z X
Y Z X Y Z X Y Z X R
Y Z X Y
G R A N T T H O M A
S Z X Y
Z X Y Z X Y Z X Y N
X Y Z X
Y Z X Y Z X Y Z X T
Y Z G X
Y Z X Y G Z X Y Z T
X Y R Z
X Y Z G R A N T T H
O M A S
X Y Z X A Y Z X Y O
Z X N Y
Z X Y Z N X Y Z X M
Y Z T X
Y Z X Y T Z X Y Z A
X Y T Z
G R A N T H O M A S
X Y H Z
X Y Z X H Y Z X Y Z
X Y O Z
X Y Z X O Y Z X Y Z
X Y M Z
X Y Z X M Y Z X Y Z
X Y A Z
X Y G R A N T T H O
M A S Z
X Y Z X S Y Z X Y Z
X Y Z X
Applications to The Chairman, St Kilda Football Club By 19 July 2001
Keith Payne
Date: Fri, 27 Jul 2001 13:35:06 +1000
From: Mike Honeychurch
StKilda football club is a member of the 16 team Australian football league.
The club is a proud club with a mediocre and tragic history. We have a set
of core values that are very important to the club. The things that are
important to us are our core values. The values that the club believes are
important are the ones that are core. Core values are what the club believes
are of major importance.
Following the sacking of dual premiership coach Mowcum Blight we are seeking
a senior coach for season 2002. the successful applicant should be able to
demonstrate leadership qualities and have had previous coaching experience.
You should also be able to demonstrate that you can withstand a media
barrage questioning your sanity should your application be successful. Most
importantly we expect the successful applicant to share the core values
which we described above. Finally we expect the coaching position to be the
second most important thing in the life of the successful applicant. It is
up to you what you choose to be the most important thing. For example if
playing golf twice a week is the most important thing in your life that's
fine as long as Stkilda football club is the second most important thing.
Please send your CV and a brief outline of your proposal for making Stkilda
a winner to:
Mr Rod Butters
St Kilda Football Club
fine print: (Simon can you read this out like they do when they have fine
print in TV commercials on the Simpsons) In the event of liquidation the
coach must be prepared to accept 10 cents in the dollar. If you think this
can't happen just ask Jeansy.
Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001 20:52:53 -0700
From: "Watkins, Brad (MEL)"
Are you a well presented person looking for a career in a bargain basement
that pay's above award wages. You can earn up to $800,000 in 15 weeks. Our
company specializes in a wide range of products such as revolving doors and
Cutlerey, yes cutlerey. Our Company has gathered a wide range of spoons over
the years (all wooden) and on appointment will throw in a free set of steak
knives (which you can retreive from your back). All applications will be on
a we'll chase you basis and we'll give you about 2 months to make up your
mind and then you can take the money and run.
Brad Watkins
Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001 21:11:33 -0700 (PDT)
From: Wayne Griffin
Ad description
Those who are aloof and autonomous need not apply
If you do not do it the board's way, it is the Nepean
Highway.
Wayne Griffin
Doncaster
Date: Fri, 27 Jul 2001 16:14:59 +1000
From: "Walby, Andrew"
MEN SEEKING MAN
38 sporty, financially secure, easy going men seek a professional,
articulate, well-groomed man for fun times, mainly at weekends. Must be
DTE and media-friendly. Experience preferred but not necessary. Must
enjoy travel & clubbing. NS/ND need not apply. VGSOH required. View to a
long-term commitment. Discretion assured. ARA. No time wasters please.
Andrew Walby
Date: Fri, 27 Jul 2001 17:36:33 +1000
From: Craig Duncan
*** SHORT TERM CONTRACT WITH LIMITED CHANCE OF ADVANCEMENT ****
St. Kilda F.C. Ltd are seeking the services of a senior coach for the
upcoming 2002 AFL season
If you are prepared to leave the security of your current position as
either assistant coach of a successful club or alternatively as a media
identity for this exciting yet uncertain and stressful position which
offers no guarantees as to your longevity or as to our ability to
actually reimburse you for your time. Then you are the person we are
looking for.
YOU:
An active go-getter with the ability to withstand criticism and a knack
of fending off the hard questions at press conferences
A willingness to attend club functions
The ability to work well with others in a pressure cooker environment
(coaches box)
A willingness to let the players use footballs prior to the first round
of the Ansett Cup
US:
A stagnate cellar dwelling club in financial difficulty with a penchant
for sacking coaches
Impatient and uncompromising when it comes to winning games with a young,
yet talented list
A background in law or law enforcement an advantage but not essential
just to ensure our players off- field indiscretions can be shielded from
the media.
Those with layed back / autonomist attitudes need not apply
E-mail your resume to the Football Director / Current Coach at
www.pleasecomehomespud.com.au
Craig Duncan
Date: Fri, 27 Jul 2001 12:00:30
From: Damien Joyce
Wanted: One Shrink, no football experience required.
NB: Timmy wasn't a bad coach, had them 7-3 early in '99, gave the bombers a
real touch up in front of 60,0000 early doors.
Hawks ruined it with the comeback, Saints have had real "issues" upstairs
since then.
Damien Joyce, North Old BOys
You have known the worst of times
You have shown foolishness
You have been sustained by incredulity
You have seen a season of darkness
You have experienced a winter of despair
c/- Spider
Centrelink Office
PO Box 666
Moorabbin
2. No new coaching contracts will save the club money
3. Club culture of sacking coaches continues unabated
4. Club culture of members knowing whats best continues
5. Club culture of Board taking no responsibility for their actions
continues.