The Coodabeen Champions Competition
Round Twenty One
Remember the LA Olympics? You'd rather not? This was when the concept of 'The Closing Ceremony' came of age...Lionel Ritchie, the Flying Saucer. The AFL needs to get with the 21st Century. With millions of viewers all around the world, the Grand Final is embarrasingly underdone with no overchoreographed spectacular closing ceremony. Design one.
Date: Sat, 18 Aug 2001 12:13:48 +1000
From: Bill from Bendigo
No closing ceremony would be complete without dragging out our sports
stars.
The compulsory duet is being sung, Nicky Winmar and Pauline Hanson
singing Ebony & Ivory and I've got you babe!!!
I suggest we have golf balls hitting Greg Norman, tennis balls hitting
Demir Dokic, footballs hitting Wayne Jackson and as a grande finale
Jeff Fenech, Aussie Joe Bugner, Kosta Tszyu, Barry Michael and Anthony
"The Man" Mundene (and anyone else for that matter) all hitting serial
pest Peter Hoare - At least we would know where the pillock was for
the day.
Good Cheers
Date: Sun, 19 Aug 2001 14:45:03 +1000
From: Julian Toohey
gday again, missed this weeks broadcast, as my football season has resumed again after i thought i had finished for the year, long story... i am not sure of the workings for this weeks comp but from what i have obtained from your website i have conjured up some ideas, to attract the attention of the supporter at the ground i have done extensive research, (read the herald sun when they had their census of supporters for each club) and have thought of some dynamic ideas which could set the afternoon on fire...
*should melbourne be playing, a 15 minute seminar involving hot shots from firms which speculate in shares, would give a brief rundown of the stock exchange at the moment in a well choreographed spectacular, involving dance students from Melb grammar and wesley, and outside the ground there could be a tarpaulan setup to relay information on the anticipated snow conditions at different alpine venues in canada.
*Collingwood which had the greatest % of its supporters who hadn't completed school, could hold literacy and geomatory classes, in different sections of the ground (TAB and Bars)
*"if" Essendon made the grand final god forbid..., a large pendulam would be swung over the ground to hypnotise the board ans supporters of Windy Hill, then they would be ordered to shut up, as the 'king of the world' attitude of their coach and president and supporters would be eliminated, then Essendon 'could' become good guys of the competition and not assume what they say is correct, and will happen, because we all know that Essendon always get the hard draw and play a minimum of 6 interstate games each year, and that salary cap rorts are genuine mistakes.
*Stkilda, if they made the grand final, there would be non stop fireworks and drinking for a week, so the grand final would have to be postponed until october, the thing is it will be the players who are joining in with the drinking...
*West Coast Versus Fremantle, Sydney Versus Brisbane, Adelaide Versus Port, if one of these grand final happened, who would need entertainment, it would be a waste of money, nobody would be there anyway, so why waste a couple of hundred thousand dollars on fireworks, when the only people who will see them are those who live in east melbourne and happen to walk outside to get the junk mail...
*Back with the adelaide teams, any entertainment involving electricity will be an eye opener for them, watch the crows and power supporters endulge in a light globe being turned on and off repeatedly, and being treated to clean tap water and beer from the taps around the ground. Both cheap and exciting, and means that not a lot of money is being spent on South Australians. win win situation
seeya later
Julian Toohey
From: mpo@terangcollege.vic.edu.au
Date: Sun, 19 Aug 2001 18:05:35 +1000
When i think of AFL Grand final entertainment I think Big names stirring songs. This years couldn't be bigger and more stirring than having Supernaut sing 'I like it both ways'
Drag out the old high tech elevator stage and the crowd would be pumping.
Martin Porzig at Noorat
Date: Sun, 19 Aug 2001 22:40:38 +1000
From: Mark Giuliano
CLOSING CEREMONY -----------------------------------
Simon....do your best to create the visual image in listeners' heads. ----------------------
The final siren has signalled the end of the 2001 Grand Final... The Cup has been presented.... medallions kissed. The crowd is hushed in expectation........... A caped, hooded figure dressed in black emerges from the chute behind the goals at the Punt Road end. This shortish but impressively built figure strolls toward the centre of the MCG. He stops, pulls out what looks like a very large capital letter "D". He holds the curved bit in his left hand, the straight bit in his right hand. He bends down and picks up what appears to be a goal umpire's flag-stick....... but it can't be as it has a water-filled balloon attached to the end of it. He inserts the water-filled balloon into the the giant letter "D"(much like a bow and arrow), and appears to aim it towards the electronic scoreboard. He now drags vigorously at the straight bit of the "D"... he drags it so far that it no longer looks like a "D", but looks more like a football.
The crowd is hused............ The masked man releases his right hand, and the water-filled balloon is hurtled toward the electronic scoreboard. It crashes into the screen and breaks.... the water completely shorting out the scoreboard and signifying the end of the Finals Series in a shower of fireworks !!!! As the 100,000 strong crowd muses over the poignancy of this event...... a spotlight moves slowly from the scoreboard across the hallowed turf and stops on the masked man. He removes his hood....... it is, of course, Glen Archer !!!!!!
Date: Sun, 19 Aug 2001 13:02:37 +0000
From: Damien Joyce
Simon,
MCG, 29th of September 2001. A day grand final, good for the purists, bad for Ross Oakley who still has a stash of fireworks which he needs to
offload.
Anyway, enough Oakely bagging, the man killing the VCFL these days is Wayne
"Or...Jeez Neil (Mitchell) that's an unfair statement" Jackson.
Whoah boy, off your high horse. Haven't entered for a few weeks, have
forgotten that football is a funny game and that this competition is
supposed to mirror that.
......................as the Geelong Falcons walk off the MCG after winning
the TAC Cup, all is in readiness for the pre game extravaganza.
Here's a brief listing of the ins and outs of pre game work
* kids waving flags and big bedsheets up and down and running around in
circles are surprisingly out. In is dancing girls in scant clothing with
make-up caked on and plenty of glitter, as well as muscled young men with
Capper shorts and some body paint.
* cavalcades are out, no-one there on G.F day wants to pay respect to the
greats of "the game", as those there don't care about "the game". The
people there wouldn't blink an eye when Tim Notting bombs one from 60m on
the 3/4 time siren to level scores, yet would choke on their smoked salmon
if the Hyphen-Hyphens moved from Toorak to Brighton.
* No latest triumpant Ashes winning team wearing the baggy greens (sic),
love your work Tugga and the boys, but as Terry Wallace said on TYOTD's,
"I'll spew up". Warney and Flem Dog having shots at goal/and or spinning
the ball on the finger ala Jacko is allowed (encouraged) though.
* past it rock stars trying to kick start their careers will no longer sing
the national anthem, they will be replaced with the finalists of the
Victorian Rock Eist....( English has never been a strong point) , in order
to keep the all important 16-39 demographic happy
* read my lips, some little kid will be hung high up in the air much the
same as Nikki whats her name at the Olympics.
* Craig Willis out, Peter "WHHHOOOOOOOAAAAAAA" Daicos in
I know this ain't really a designed ceremony, but I hope you enjoyed
reading my disjointed ranting
And as it seems that one requires either to be a close personal friend of
Simon Whelan, or just be a Nathan Buckley entrant, i.e gets in the best no
matter his game, rather his repuation or because they have a familiar name
and they 'always' solid contributors, from now on I wish to be referred to
as;
"Damien Joyce formely of Willaura and Ararat, now plying his trade with the
North Old Boys twos
Damien Joyce, Brunswick
Date: Mon, 20 Aug 2001 14:07:46 +1000
From: Cheryl Critchley
It's Grand Final Day and the AFL, having paid consultants $863,000 to
find out what real footy fans want, has come up with a plan it's sure
will impress the hoards of average punters sick of the game being run by
the corporate set.
The siren sounds and a giant stage shaped like a suburban backyard
barbie (another $250,000) emerges onto the field carrying an unshaven
Wayne Jackson wearing a SORRY t-shirt over trakky daks with the bum
hanging out.
Supported by Ian Collins, complete with Spinal Tap-inspired handlebar
moustache and tight leather trousers, he belts out Working Class Man
almost as badly as Jimmy Barnes.
Sure he's onto a winner this time, Jackon then burps, farts,
scratches his bum and shouts "I love youse all".
It is only then, as he surveys the stoney-faced crowd, that he
realises: THERE ARE NO REAL FANS AT THE GRAND FINAL!!!!! Woops...
Cheryl Critchley,
Date: Mon, 20 Aug 2001 19:32:24 +1000
From: Michele Blight
Dear Simon,
Well the season is coming to an end strangely early for AAA Kangaroos supporters like myself, and I am wondering if I like my team will be absent from the Convention this year. For what it's worth here is this weeks contribution.
The Closing Ceremony will commence when the final siren sounds. An army of workers will bring onto the field a long Victory Dais a la the Olympics. Fireworks will be placed around the ground, a target will be placed in the middle of the ground. The players get over the initial jubilation in about the time it takes to set this up.
Then the obligatory small Auskick kids take the field with the club jumpers and flags of all the sixteen clubs signifying the involvement of all teams in this major event.
The Master of Ceremonies, Craig Willis, calls the players up to the dais where Silver Medals are presented to the runners up and the Gold medals to the winners. The club anthem is sung once more with gusto as the Flag of this Club is raised proudly above the stadium. Even Sheeds sheds an emotional tear.
A pink helicopter lands on the target bringing Warwick Capper and Peter McKenna who sing a duet. As the song nears its end, The Batmobile drives out onto the ground carrying John Elliott. John is smoking in an approved contravention of the No Smoking rule within the MCG.
John alights from the car and takes his cigarette to the fuse for the fireworks setting them off as the Grand Finale much to the delight of Ross Oakley and his trusty protege Wayne Jackson.
Michele Blight
Date: Tue, 21 Aug 2001 02:14:54 +0000
From: stuart mcarthur
Dear Simon,
The end-of-season closing ceremony should borrow from end-of-season
cliff-hangers.
After the final siren, the umpys get together and erect a mock castle.
Then Matty Knights runs out and enters the castle.
Then Barry Hall, Lance Whitnall, Tony Liberatore and John Elliott enter the
castle.
Suddenly a gun shot rings out. There's an explosion and the castle catches
fire.
Everyone flees the castle and jumps in the moat.
Everyone except Matty Knights who's carried out (covered by a sheet) by
tribunal members in fireman costumes. (Elaine Canty as a nurse)
Next day the media is agog with "WHO KILLED MATTY KNIGHTS???"
Over the summer, odds shorten on grassy knoll sniper Wayne Campbell, after
theories emerge that Knights wanted the captaincy back.
In March, Matty Knights appears on the Footy Show.
He steps out of a shower cubicle, towels his hair and says, "What a kooky
dream!"
Cheers, Simon
Stuart McArthur
Date: Tue, 21 Aug 2001 09:01:11 +1000
From: Glenn
At the end of the game a giant pedestal is erected with a staircase either
side. An enormous image of the AFL logo acts as the back drop, flanked by
images of the games sponsors.
The crowd hush as unnecessary members of the AFL commission make their way
up the staircase and form a kind of "Guard of Honor" for one of footballs
former greats. On a table is the shining silver trophy, garnished in silken
ribbon.
AFL CEO Wayne Jackson steps forward to the microphone and calls upon the
crown to congratulate the winning captain - MICHAEL VOSS!!!
As the crown erupts, 24 footballs and countless team official, resplendent
in black and red, wander aimlessly around the ground. Sunken shoulders,
watery eyes, sullen expressions.
Now that's what I call a closing ceremony.
Glenn from Newport
From: Darren_Wharton@tac.vic.gov.au
Date: Tue, 21 Aug 2001 13:55:11 +1000
Post Grand Final Entertainment,
After the eventual Premiers have completed thier Lap(s) of honour and doused each other with inexpensive domestic Methode Champanoise (don't say champagne or you'll upset the French) the real entertainment begins.
Introduced by Stan the Statistician, the Intra Club practice match begins between the Shirts and Skins of the Dr McLelland trophy winners (hopefuly not the incumbent premiers) in an Oz Kick style format in one forward pocket of the ground while a a reintroduction of the Grand Final sprint takes place ... only with a difference.
Its a 50 meter dash of stretcher bearing medical and training staff lead by the club doctors complete with overcoats in team colours with the medi-cart handicapped as the back marker.
The evening concludes with a carols by candlelight format of the Fremantle and Port Adelaide club songs with the words on the big screen complete with bouncing ball emphasising pauses in the words ie. We'll never stop ... stop ... stop.. "till we drop... drop...drop.
Regards,
PS How are Geelong going in the Dr McLelland Trophy this year?
Date: Wed, 22 Aug 2001 12:43:09 +1000
From: nwakelin@adecco.com.au
In regard to Pre Grand Finals "Extravaganza", I believe that the AFL should
conduct a tribute to the great pre grand final extravaganzas of the
twentieth century. The show will include:
Angry Anderson singing bound for glory in the batmobile. Of course
Robert De Castella will be sitting beside him pretending to enjoy
himself.
The Aboriginal female singer will return to perform another stirring
rendition of the national anthem
The Umpires will again march across the G waving their flags - this time
they've agreed to march in straight lines
Some guys who play old beach boys songs which they change the wording
slightly to vaguely resemble a football song will appear
and of course 5,000 kids from Rowville Primary will be running around
with balloons - because where else in the world could you possible call
that entertainment
Nick Wakeling
Date: Wed, 22 Aug 2001 12:48:28 +1000
From: Peter O'Sullivan
Grand Final Closing Ceremony,
The MCG is cloaked in darkness.
An eerie orange light
slowly illuminates the centre square.
A giant, inflatable Nikki Webster doll
floats gently across the hallowed turf.
Five hundred goal umpires, flags a waving
emerge from Nikki Webster's womb
to the tune of Colonel Bogey's march.
A precision short order flag drill captivates the crowd.
One thousand black 1976 Holden Utes (with Statesman front ends)
line the boundary line tooting their horns and flashing their lights
to announce the arrival of a huge Sherrin being lowered from the sky.
As the Sherrin touches down in the centre square
it opens out like a giant Faberge egg to reveal
Angry Anderson and Jimmy Barnes.
Angry urges the 100,000 strong crowd to join hands
in a sign of unity as he and Jimmy perform a melody
of all 16 club songs.
The ceremony ends with all past Norm Smith Medalists
riding out on ostriches saluting the crowd and urging them
to gather together again in one year's time for the next AFL Grand
Final.
Kind Regards
Date: Wed, 22 Aug 2001 13:16:12 +1000
From: Keith Payne
I want to put in a very, very, very, very,very late entry for the round one
competition......
That PERRY guy who plays for the bloody Adelaide Crows. How come he kicks
1.5 against everbody else but kicks 5.1 against the AAAs. Not happy, Jan.
Date: Wed, 22 Aug 2001 17:24:43 +1000
From: Greg & Sue Hoysted
Hi Simon,
6.00pm (approximately) End of game. Tasmania defeats Canberra by 38
points.
6.10pm Canberra Kangaroos players begin the long climb to the top of
the Great Southern Stand to receive their losers' medallions (a la
Wembley FA Cup finals). Upon reaching the highest step of the top deck
of the stand, they receive the medallions and ritually throw them out of
the open "portholes" onto cars in Brunton Avenue. (The AFL conducts a
competition in which people who present their cars with an imprint of a
medallion in their roofs or bonnets receive a Grand Final ticket in the
following year. At least this way we know that dedicated supporters
would get some tickets.)
6.50pm Tasmanian Bulldogs players and coach Damian Drum climb to the
top of the Ron Walker Stand to receive their winners medallions and the
premiership trophy (a bronzed and mounted TV screen with an image of
Mike Williamson engraved on the face).
7.20pm Players return to the gound to complete their lap of honour.
7.30pm Ten farmers dressed in overalls and gumboots drive onto the
ground on four wheeled motorbikes to call for the footballers of the
nation to gather together again in two months time for the first
pre-season practice match between Port Adelaide and St Kilda in Boort.
7.35pm The farmers leave to the sounds of Broderick Smith's big combo
performing a techno version of "Way out west."
7.40pm Broderick Smith now performs "My Father's Hands" as fireworks
light up the night sky and the remaining crowd can stomp the night away.
Greg Hoysted
Date: Wed, 22 Aug 2001 13:32:38 +1000
From: Nick Raschella
G'day Coodabeens, It's been 4 or 5 years since our last correspondence. I found the 3AW internet link about 10 weeks ago and finally, last Saturday got up early enough and remember to log on to your show. 5 of us put our heads together whilst watching Swans V Demons game and thought of several ideas for the closing ceremony. The idea we settled on, was one to keep the AFL ahead of the game in the social engineering stakes. AFL has lead with racial vilification, reduction in violence in sport, chardonnay at sport, overpriced seating etc etc. The detained refugees are an social issue at the moment filing the switchboards of talkback radio. The AFL could lead on the issue by having a 1Km time trial at the end of the GF open to all refugees from Villawood to Port Headland. The winner would receive citizenship, second place permanent residency and third place gets a 3 year visa. Last place would have to do a two week driving course conducted by Col from Cabramatta, as training to be Pauline Hansen's chauffer during the upcoming election campaign. You need music at a closing ceremony so maybe get Midnight Oil, wearing their "sorry" gear and singing King of the Mountain. If this is not overchoreographed enough for your liking then we could add a 250 or 500 piece orchestra playing Vangellis' Chariots of Fire followed by the 1812 Overture during the race. You could turn the ground into an obstacle course by having 20 cardboard cut-out replicas of Phillip Ruddock, which pop out of the ground trying to stop them. You could also have commandos from the SAS jumping out of helicopters trying to catch the runners or paratroopers from 3RAR landing on the ground. A barbed wire fence that has to be scaled could be place on the 50m arc in front of the members stand. Finally the winner would be presented his/her price by some old official making a long winded, exaggerated speech about "the importance of sport as part of fabric of the Australian culture and how this has been the best group of refugees ever to come to our shores".The opportunities are endless. The 16 recruiting officers of each club would finally be able to watch an AFL game whilst looking at potential recruits as they have stop watches in hand during the time trial. They would probably ask for 3 x 1 Km runs but this might be just a bit too much even for our international audience. Cheers Nick Raschella and the BOB NEIL boys in Sydney. Check out pages 34 and 35 the October edition of Inside Sport currently at the news stand for the latest Bob Neil news.
nickraschella@pacific.net.au 78 Wellbank Street Concord NSW 2137 02) 9743-2850
Date: Wed, 22 Aug 2001 17:14:54 +0000
From: barry tyrrell
Firstly Simon, thanks for the mention a couple of weeks ago, the one I gave my "right arm" for. A friend's mother heard it all the way up in Brisbane. Only trouble is, you mentioned my Dads name; as it is his email address the entry is sent from, but I'm not being ungrateful, it just takes me longer to enter with only one arm. The Closing Ceremony Nostalgia grips the nation as Bruce McEvaney brings us the closing stages of the 2001 Grand Final. The players do a lap with the cup. "So many memories come flooding back. We have witnessed so many extraordinary acts of courage in the heat of battle. Hird; as ever was captain courageous. Lloyd; in a starring performance was special. Ramanaskus; gee what a name..." (Note to Simon: I don't like it either but you have to face reality. That is what this is isn't it?)"And now for the Closing ceremony, here's Craig Willis." "Ladies and Gentlemen. Welcome to the Inaugural CUB Closing Ceremony. Put your hands together for the people who have made today that special day in September we all love. Up first the winemakers. Nothing says Grand Final day like a Chardonnay!" ......what follows is a precession of winemakers, chefs, Limo drivers and waiters parading on the ground, some with video cameras, looking up and waving excitedly. Thunderous applause rocks the stadium. As the ceremony draws to a close Wayne Jackson steps to the podium. "I hearby declare this the best Grand Final ever!" Cheers as the tune "We are the world" rings out over the loud speakers. Craig Willis announces the final act of the closing ceremony. "Introducing.........a group of football fans!" Actual football fans enter the stadium. An excited murmur sweeps the stadium. "Football fans used to attend the Grand Final itself in times past. They have gathered from far and wide will now perform for us a ritual known as; barracking". Waves of polite applause sweep the stadium as the fans perform a mix of chanting, singing, random shouting and umpire abuse. The "barracking" goes for some time until the lights go out and the football >fans realise the cameras are off, and there is no one else left in the >stadium. They trudge off home in the dark with next season on their mind.
Date: Thu, 23 Aug 2001 14:13:15 +1100
From: Scott Nash <2150696@students.ballarat.edu.au>
...The medal presentations have finished and the natives are restless. A
spot light shines on a construsction worker on scaffolding above the
members stand (why waste any time). The worker begins to tap his shifter
on the scaffold making a beat. Another joins, followed by a couple more.
Tap Dogs style these workers are pumping out a nice beat. The beat
STOPS! The stereo system pumps out "young man, there's no need to get
down. I say young man, get yourself off the ground..."
The crowd goes crazy as the Hawthorn boys appear in the scaffolding
dressed as the Village People swingin those arms Y.M.C.A style.
Crawf-Cop, Harf-Cowboy, Lord-Biker, Graham-The Construction worker,
Dixson-Indian and Rock-GI. Holland omitted as he can't get his arms up
to do the Y or A and Croady refuses as he's just an athlete not a
performer.
The crowd get's into it as they're sick and tired of doing the bloody
Calzaly. Wayne Jacko has his arm around Steve Bracks and a tear dribbles
down the face of Ian Dicker as he see's his record smashed. Grand
final 2001 will be remebered in the same light as the national anthem in
1993.
Scott Nash
Date: Thu, 23 Aug 2001 15:38:46 +1000
From: Bob Crain
Dear Coodabeens,
Grand Final Closing Ceremony
Giant Beer Bottles and Drag Queens in team colours dance around the ground
while Nikki Webster rises high above the ground on a big meat pie singing with
the AFL National Youth Choir which consists of all the McDonalds Little League
players. As the individual team colours ooze from the pie like tomato sauce, a
new song for each club is started like "WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS" for Essendon,
"WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO GO" for Port Adelaide, "DREAMS CAN COME TRUE" for St
Kilda and "THAT DON'T IMPRESS ME MUCH" for Melbourne just to name a few. Then
after all the team colours have oozed out and slopped on to the Beer Bottles
and Drag Queens lined up below, the forgotten but legendary song "THAT'S WHAT I
LIKE ABOUT FOOTBALL" would be sung by the AFL Youth Choir led by that 4 year
old Elvis impersonator (who was on Rove Live last week) and conducted by Champs
himself as the pie is slowly lowered back into the centre square.
Holly Crain
Please note my Dad (Bob the Yank) encourages me to participate in all sorts of
educational activities such as this, he said I could learn a lot from this
exercise.
Date: Thu, 23 Aug 2001 15:53:11 +1000
From: Matt Cronin
Simon,
As the usual ‡ time entertainment is boring even though it is not meant to
be, why not try reverse phycology and deliberately make it boring in the
faint hope that it will actually be interesting?
The ‡ time entertainment therefore should be a wonderful explanation of
Australia's superannuation system delivered by none other than the former
chairman of the Reserve Bank, known to most as Mr Excitement, Bernie Fraser.
Charts and tables can be shown on the big screen as Bernie
extols the virtues of our national saving system. Imagine the sight of a
giant
inflatable spreadsheet unfolding from the centre circle and of the crowd
holding
up coloured cards to show the history of returns over the past 5 years.
Like the AFL, superannuation is splattered with great acronyms such as RBL,
ETP and SG. Other awe-inspiring topics could be the tax treatment of your
"Un-restricted Non-preserved Benefit" or how one can claim a rebate for
contributions to a non working spouse's account.
This entertainment would truly be known as 'the enternmainment of the
future'.
Even if it doesn't end up being great entertainment, the real value would
occur the following year when no-one could say "This year's entertainment is
worse than last year's"
Matt Cronin
Date: Thu, 23 Aug 2001 21:28:45 +1000
From: Darrell Nash
Saturday 29th September 2001
5:00 pm at the MCG and the Bombers have taken out back to back flags. They have
just run the lap of honour and sung the song in the centre before being whisked
off to the Tennis Centre to continue celebrations with their fans (most who could not get a ticket). What follows is the new spectacular Closing Ceremony
(or Loser's Festival).
a.. Corporates move out (true fans take up positions in the stands)
As they lights dim over a sea of red the sprinklers come on (reminding us of
Waverly) and the final siren sounds for 2001, Wayne Jackson declares the season
over and the best one ever. What a finale!!!
Darrell Nash
Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2001 08:34:34 +1000
From: Keith Payne
AFL Grand Final Closing Ceremony
The ceremony commences with the ground being filled with thousands of litres
of theatrical smoke in honour of "THE FOG GAME". I don't know when it was
because, yes, I am the one who was not there.
As the "fog" clears, that KIWI guy from the Bledisloe Cup can be seen, and
sometimes heard, singing " GIRT BY SEA".
As this concludes all of the sixteen clubs' mascots take part in a
re-enactment of the 100 yards dash to honour that much missed half time
entertainment.
Next a hundred groundstaff appear, dressed in colourful overalls and a
driazabone. Each is pushing a line marking machine and waving gaily to the
crowd. As they circle the ground, a thousand children appear in umpire's
garb, running backwards onto the MCG. They complete a series of carefully
choreographed routines, never once moving forward. A lone child emerges
dressed as a footballer from the day's victorious team. He kicks his ball
and it is marked by one of the umpires. A knowing laugh emanates from the
crowd. The footballer then proceeds to "accidentally" bump into one of the
umpires and the notebook comes out. Again that knowing laugh.
Next, a tribute to the memory of VFL Park as the lights go out and the
sprinklers come on. A series of coloured lights shine through the spray to
wondrous effect.
The crowd's attention is then drawn to a mock fire around the main
scoreboard. There are gasps. But they subside as a stunning display of
pyrotechnics ensues. As the fireworks die away and the smoke dissipates, a
lone figure can be seen...
It is AFL supremo, Wayne Antonio Jackson. Slowly, he declares in his best
Brownlow broken English...
"Dis the best AFL Gran Final EVER!"
Keith Payne
Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2001 12:18:25 +1000
From: Cheryl Harvey
I don't think the Afl need to do a big, glam rock ending what they really
need is a close game for once! Failing that I think that they could gather
all the retiring players from season 2001 to give a heart rending version of
"All My Loving" to the footy fans and then symbolically throw their jumpers,
boots, socks etc. into the crowd in a parting gesture. Then the footy angel
could descend from above and beckon them into the great void that is
retirement.!
Cheryl Harvey
Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2001 13:51:05 +1000
From: paul russo
FROM FACTION 3366
After the two competing teams have left the ground at the conclusion of the
presentation of medals and cup, a trumpet fanfare is heard. Streaming onto
the ground come the players and officials of the 14 other clubs(in no
particular order, many of them filming the event with their camcorders).
Adelaide players are seen carrying Pt. Adelaide players on their shoulders,
Tony Liberatore and Matty Knights are seen arm in arm smiling and waving to
the crowd.
At the podium Wayne Jackson, speaking in English and French, officially
announces the end of the AFL season by declaring that "in one year's time
we will meet again at Colonial". The AFL flag is lowered and folded away.
Jackson then solemnly gives the 2002 Premiership cup to Ian Collins who
runs a lap holding the cup high. He then runs out of the MCG and on his way
to Colonial.
At a stage in the middle of the ground a small fireworks display begins.
The stage rises and out of the smoke and fire appear the FABLE SINGERS
singing a medley of the club's songs. Everyone dances and sings along, more
fireworks then the Fable singers finish off with 'The Football Season ".
Alternatively any ditty by Greg Champion will do.
>From Faction 3366 - Paul Russo/John Clements
Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2001 14:02:20 +1000
From: Jeffrey Ferguson
Congratulations on the ratings
I believe the post Grand Final entertainment is obvious. Each year we hear how
a team has a chance to "Avenge it's Grand Final lose and win one over the
current premiers" and that the match is a Grand Final Replay.
Well lets not wait!!! Have the "Grand Final replay" immediately after the Grand
Final!! Two games for the price of 3.!
Regards
Jeffrey Ferguson
Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2001 14:08:17 +1000
From: KyselaO
Dear Champions
I am unable to grasp the notion that the absence of a Closing Ceremony
leaves a void in the season that was and casts a shadow over the AFL's
international credibility, when we have the ultimate substitute in the Half
Time Spectacular (HTS).
Internationally benchmarked, the HTS is universally
regarded as best practice. Yet to the untrained eye, it could be
misconstrued as disobedient children running around in circles, waving lame
streamers to the tune of a remixed Up There Cazaly (likely culprit: Human
Nature), and driven by 11th-hour choreography introduced to the children
with precision the day before.
When you watch replays of Grand Finals taped off the television, it is only
a select and rebellious minority that won't maintain the discipline of
smoothing out the ads throughout the HTS to ensure its availability for
future reference as confirmation of our city's yet-to-be-discovered creative
genuises (ie: RMIT 2nd year arts students).
Peter Landy, TBMB Skilton and Louey would observe complete silence as the
HTS chartered its course, allocating it the respect it commanded (like Burgo
used to do when the wheel was in motion). Let's hope Bruce and Dennis can
replicate this tradition, and continue to prove beyond doubt that there is
no place for a Closing Ceremony in our game. Anyway, a Closing Ceremony
would only clash with probing on-ground reporters asking victorious players
"So how do you feel?" 10 seconds after the final siren.
Regards
All Ceremonied Out
Oliver Kysela
Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2001 14:21:34 +1000
From: Bob Crain
Dear Simon,
Bob the Yank
Oh there may be one thing that might make it a bit more interesting, if the AFL
made the losing team SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GROUND AND WATCH THE WHOLE THING
AND THEN RECEIVE A "CERTIFICATE OF PARTICIPATION".
Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2001 15:41:53 +1000
From: Chris Walkley
As the AFL has gotten all excited about the little packs left on peoples
seats at the Grand Final, full of goodies, such as inflatable footballs,
red scarves so everyone can do 'the Dipper' and cards to hold up, making
pretty patterns across the Great Southern Stand.
The closing ceremony should utilise this concept, providing each person
at the ground with a mini metal detector in their pack. Once the teams
have left the ground, the crowd all storm on to the G with their metal
detectors and go hell for leather trying to find Peter Moore's runners
up medal he hurled into the sacred turf after yet another Collingwood
grand final defeat. The person who finds the medal gets to press the
button alongside Peter Moore that sets off a fireworks spectacular,
reigniting the AFL's love affair with fireworks at every possible
opportunity.
Chris Walkley
Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2001 16:08:23 +1000
From: "Bonnyman, John"
Desperate men make desperate decisions: In a bid to make the AFL Grand
Final the most technologically superior event ever the AFL have made the
following decision
The appointment of Jeff (I've just been to Lorne on a learning technologies
conference so I know what I'm talking about) Richardson as chief
choreographer under whom the following initiatives are undertaken:
1. Virtual Reality Headsets- VR Headsets are given out to all attending
game and sold at corner shops with AFL Grand Final Edition Footy Record
which for this year will sell for $449.99. Once worn these take you the
viewer into the Half Time Ceremony where you become the main performer
surrounded by scantily clad backing singers of both sexes (politically
correct) . As you sing great footballers from the past walk up and greet
you like old friends. The song finishes and the background singers dissolve
and the you look down to find a new sherrin in your hand and a 6 ft 8
neanderthal on the mark screaming obscenities at you. You're 50 out and the
siren goes - You look up at the scoreboard to see the obvious. 5pts down-
You go back and take your kick - It comes off the boot sweetly - you're
surrounded by thousands of cheering fans and teammates who sweep you in the
air where you salute the... a steady electric shock invades your temples-
you take off your VR Headset and await the second half.
2. Viewers in America watch a replay of the closing ceremony of the L.A.
Games
Pros: no damage to surface of ground during half time
Children and dwarfs able to sit on hats for better viewing
Much needed capital investment in Australia's Technology
Industry
Cons: Slight burning and reddening of temple due to gentle shock treatment.
Possibility of accidental lobotomy (approx1/1000)
Aftermath:
Jeff Richardson arrested at Tullamarine attempting to board Qantas
flight-detained under investigation of his holding in local Melbourne IT
company VR Headsets R US.
Richo denies any involvement proving all shares are in wifes name and
purchased without his knowledge.
Tony Leonard sues AFL for not being provided with large enough headset.
John Bonnyman
Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2001 06:30:00 +0000
From: Travis Bull
The cup has been presented the players leave the field. The lights black
out, spotlights spin around the stands and oval. Suddenly a voice comes over
the Ground PA:
Ladies and Gentlemen Welcome to the Season 2001 AFL Grand final
Madam und Mosuir Voluvant escargo effifel tower (repeats the same thing in
french)
Suddenly the MCG lights come back on to reveal hundreds of performers in
loin cloths pushing around giant blow up footballs.
Then on to the ground comes giant hotdogs on bicycles.
Then the performers leave the ground and another announcement
Out comes giant blow up figures of Hirdy and Vossey. Then they collide.
Dramatic music starts as they both fall over. The Drum beats and up pops
hirdy and he picks up an inflatable premiership cup.
Voice: Please welcome Bjorn Again, the world famous Abba Coverband.
French voice: Siv u plat Bjorn Again.
They walk out to the middle singing "The winner takes it all" followed up
with "Money Money Money".
They leave and the players from the 14 other teams come running onto the
field to the sound of Nicki Webster singing Strawberry Kisses.
Fireworks go off and everyone starts dancing.
Channel seven cross to dipper who starts up the 6 thousand or so dodgy
interviews.
Enough Said
Travis Bull
Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2001 17:01:26 +1000
From: Mccaffco
My suggestion involves the holding of the WORLDS BIGGEST BBQ on the M.C.G.
after the game.
Each team not involved in the series could have a tent on the field and
spectators could move from tent to tent sampling BBQ food.
At the Swans tent you could enjoy a Duck roll and at the saints tent you would
be welcomed to eat a jeans sausage made from yabbies.Allan Jeans would host
it.
The Saints players would also have a grog tent .AllanJeans would guard the
grog.The players could give a sculling demonstration and by this I mean
drinking not rowing.
freemantle would favour the local product and their hamburger would be known as
the DOCCA QUOKKA fresh from ROTTNEST ISLAND TO YOU.
West coast would set up a suntan lamp tent room next to the traditional HOT DOG
tent run by the friends of Footscray
The Kangas could host a Pensioners tent which could house their cheer squad
who(everytime I see them on T.V.) all seem to be over 60years old andfar far
too old to be in a cheers squad(but look at how old the president is). Bernie
Fraser could host it for all the superannuants.going thru their third
childhood.
The old channel 7 logos could be used as fodder for the B B Q and thought could
be given to having a giant bonfire particularly as this would rate well in the
USA where it is common knowledge that bonfires come second only to world wars
in terms of popularitywith the masses.
Melbournes tent would have a giant board to which you could pin your CURRENT
BUSINESS CARD.
The state revenue office tent would be well favoured by the public particularly
as their officers (decked out in Father christmas outfits) would refuse to
collect money for the provision of food or services and it would be favoured
to win the Treasurers prize for the most popular tent..
OCTAGONAL would be floated to the ground and paraded with a giant 1 on top of
his mane as a promotion for channel 10's involvement in football
Tony Leonard would host a FASHION ON THE FIELDS EVENT the rules for which would preclude the wearing of shoes without stockings
One of the remaining tents would be a GRIEF COUNSELLING TENT which would assist
grief stricken supporters of the runners up team and their players to go on
living or barracking(as the case may be).This tent would not be open or staffed
if an interstate team were runners up. And some Do Gooders (formerly known as
basket weavers)are known to hold the view that it would be good therapy for
recovery of the runners up if the tent was burnt and used in the bonfire
particularly if an interstate team won the Grand Final.It would also give the
players of the runners up team something to do during the presentation of
medals to the members of the winning team.They would no longer look like lost
souls and they could avoid catching a cold which they ran a real risk of
catching whilst sitting on the hallowed turf.
MAX MCCAFFREY
Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2001 18:34:14 +1000
From: Peter and Francene Howe
Dear Simon and all,
A fitting ceremony for the anticlimactic end of the GF would feature the
BTOE (Best team outside the eight) in a motorcade around the ground. This
year's inaugural closing ceremony could perhaps feature Richmond teams of
the 90's.
The motorcade would of course travel around the OUTSIDE of the ground,
battling the traffic trying to get out of the carpark, and in doing so
providing a fittingly frustrating embodiment of their season. Fans would of
course offer supportive comments as they walked past them on the way to the
tram.
Best wishes,
The "Maybe none of the Hawthorn players WANTED to be in Tony's team of the
year anyway" action faction (alias Peter Howe).
Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2001 18:59:46 +1000
From: Ross Morton
The losing Grand Finalists disappear into the rooms, the Premiers complete
their victory lap with their Premiership Medallions and the Premiership Cup,
the playing arena is emptied.
The lights are on, bathing the 'G in an eerie incandescant glow; outside the
gathering gloom envelops Yarra Park. The crowd awaits.
10 minutes pass - the lights are dimmed and a single firework shoots skywards
from atop the main scoreboard, blazing a pyrotechnic trail against the
darkening sky.
A single spotlight comes to life playing with the crowd. A fanfare. The
spotlight comes to a halt on the Players' Race in the Great Southern Stand.
One by one, the 16 AFL club mascots appear proudly bearing and waving their
respective club's standard. As the mascots walk around the boundary line en
masse, the lights come on and from all corners of the ground, all the players,
coaches, runners and officials from all AFL clubs come bounding out onto the
playing arena, gathering in the centre square. And as one, in a show of
fraternity and solidarity, they then do a lap of honour, to thank the fans for
their support throughout the long and gruelling season just completed ....
premiers, wooden-spooners, runners-up, also-rans, no-one is left out of the lap
of honour. On the loudspeaker "I will survive" pumps out its frentic and
pulsating beat.
After the lap of honour is complete, the players and officials again gather in
the centre square.
The lights are dimmed. 5 minutes pass.
A single spotlight comes to life playing with the crowd. A fanfare. The
spotlight arcs skyward to a single paraglider circling above the ground - the
sail is decked out in an AFL logo. On the loudspeaker "Locomotion" pumps out
its frenetic and pulsating beat.
The paraglider slowly descends to terra firma in ever decreasing circles, and
the pilot is revealed as none other than AFL supremo Wayne Jackson. Wayne
unharnesses himself and walks solemnly to a microphone that has been set up in
the middle of the arena.
"Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls; I declare closed the AFL season for
2001, and in the spirit of football I call upon the youth of Australia to
assemble again in 6 months to do it all again."
The lights go out. Darkness consumes the ground. Silence. 5 minutes pass.
Suddenly the sound of machinery, hammers, saws, clanging steel, scraping
timber, whirring blades and drills cuts through night air increasing to a
crescendo and dying away. What is about to unfold?? A mass urban junkyard
neo-grunge tap dancing display perhaps!!?? ....
The lights come back on to reveal all:
The ground is empty, devoid of all players and officials; Jacko is gone, the
mascots are but a memory.
On closer inspection, the goal posts are also gone, the AFL logo, boundary,
goal square and centre square lines, and the 50 metre lines have been
obliterated. At the east and west ends of the ground soccer nets have been
erected, in readiness for the World Cup Qualifier in November. The footy season
is truly over.
Tony Ware sprints to the centre of the ground, waves to the crowd, and sprints
off again.
The lights are dimmed.
Silence.
Cheers,
Andrew McDonald
Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2001 20:40:49 +1000
From: Andrew McKie
In keeping with the need for financial expediency, this year's 'pared down'
Grand Final pre-match is done entirely 'in house' (i.e. using only current
A.F.L. players & staff, and the very cheapest outside expertise) is to include
the following elements:
1. 'The Bib & Bub Show' featuring Eddie & Jack (in Bobbesy Twins-esque attire)
in a raucous 5 minute slapstick comedy skit involving lots of pie throwing, ear
pulling & eye poking (a la the Three Stooges), the butt of the hilarity being
the poor bloke 'The Footy Show' drags out a few times a year because he's the
spitting image of a certain Chief Executive.
2. A Musical Revue featuring a number of prominent A.F.L. identities singing
excerpts from songs with content pertaining to their exploits this season, such
as:
Neil Kerley singing Do You See What I See? (After the Whitnall incident)
Rod Butterss: It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time
Ian Collins: The Green Green Grass Of Home (Colonial, of course)
(The)Troy Wilson (Experience): The Old Man Down The Road
Grant Thomas: Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
Grant Thomas: Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
AAA Kangaroos: The Happy Wanderer (Home Ground?)
Spider Everitt: Ain't Misbehavin'
3. A Sound And Light Spectacular featuring players in a combination of the
following:
The Eagles away jumper;
The Saints Pura Yellow Strip;
Spider Everitt's & Leon Davis' Hair;
Patches of painted 'turf'(sand?)from Colonial;
and The Power's 'lovely' teal away socks;
Accompanied by a (volunteer) vocal orchestra & rhythm section made up of:
Tiger fans and the Roar Meter;
A selection of irate Collingwood supporters chanting expletive-laden oaths;
Barking Dogs supporters;
Bruce roaring "MCLEOD!!!...CLEVVVVERRR!!!" repetitive rap style;
and followers of the Melbourne Football club clapping completely out of time
with everyone else.
4. The Irrelevant Bit That Gets Everyone Thinking "What Was All That About?"
(Well, there seems to be one at most other Grand Finals) It is now time for
this year's 'Special Guest', who of course displays very tenuous interest in
our game (distinguishing himself by ranting about how he loves The Bears,
Waverley, his 'favourite' player Leon Chelly or Nathan Bickley; or how he was
there the day 'Brighty' kicked the ball a hundred yards after 'the bell' when
the Koalas beat the Blues- at Victoria Park). The Announcer bellows: "Yes
folks, our special guest to sing his latest hit (from at least five [or even
better- ten] years ago) and the National Anthem is everyone's favourite, the
name that automatically leaps to everyone's lips..... Juno Roxus". (Of course,
several other 'household names' leap to mind- Mark Holden, Marty Rhone, or
maybe even Peter Andre- the list is endless)
Andrew McKie.
I'd Like to See That!!!
Great Stuff
BILL
Go Tigers
Darren Wharton
Blackburn South
Rowville
PS. Now that Former State Sports Minister Tom Reynolds is a Director with
the Brisbane Lions, Is Covey going to apply the 'Reynolds Precedent' at
Geelong given that he is also a State Liberal Sports Spokesperson?
Peter O'Sullivan
I'm sure you realise that the AFL is struggling to combine 21st century
glitz with traditional values, so the Grand Final closing ceremony must
be a similar combination of the old and the new.
We in Australia seem to believe that fireworks are an essential part of
all major events, so any closing ceremony must last long enough to take
us from the end of the "day" (these days early evening) match to dark of
night, when fireworks are actually of some use. Therefore the program
should be as follows:-
b.. The humbled Brisbane Lions join Crowded House in a rendition of "Don't
Dream It's Over" with runner's up medals displayed.
c.. The other 14 teams (players & officials) are lead onto the arena by kid's
with flags before taking up positions near the boundary while Moving Pictures
belt out "What About Me?"
d.. A spaceship descends into the centre of the G where the martians exit.
Firstly the umpires panel join Split Enz with "That Was My Mistake" and the AFL
Commission & Tribunal Panel sing back up to Paul Kelly's "Dumb Things"
e.. On completion of the final number all those assembled take off their
shirts to display Midnight Oils 'Sorry' T-shirts in a blaze of fireworks.
f.. The fans then reach under their seats for the specially prepared eskies
and begin to pelt those on the field with rotten tomatoes (ala the Italian
street festival) as they take out their frustrations on all those who ruined another season.
Macleod, Vic
Regarding the Closing Ceremony at the Grand Final.
There already is a Closing Ceremony the Winners get their medals and do a lap
of honour with the Cup. What could possibly be a better closing to the game
than that? If your team wins it doesn't get any better than that.(Being a St.
Kilda supporter you may never get to know that feeling and I know that Covey no
longer has any interest in Football but he will probably never know the feeling
either). Just leave well enough alone, if it ain't broke don't fix it, if the
train is full don't change the schedule etc etc etc.
"Today Essendon took on the lions and won"
French Translation Follows.
thongs
runners
slippers
parkas
windcheaters
bomber jackets
tracksuits
safari suits
football guernseys (even if worn with a tie)
rugby tops
cardigans(even if entrant is a public servant)
jodphurs
duffle coats