The Coodabeen Champions Competition
Round Six
To honour Sewart Loewe's 300th game, Rob Harvey invited Danny Frawley back to StKilda to make a special prematch address to the team...a terrific gesture that was fully endorsed by Malcolm. Now: send the coach of your choice to the club of your choice, for a one off address on the occasion of your choice.
Date: Sat, 05 May 2001 11:56:33 +1000
From: Sir Morrow
How About Kevin Sheedy down to shell stadium for Mitchell Whites next
Milestone, this would be appropriate because of last season's incounter,
what a way to fire up Geelong, getting Kevin sheedy down to the club to
continue his work with the deaf (Supposedly Mitchell White). Kevin Sheedy is
very considerate like this, last year he even went ape droppings in sign
language so mitchell wouldn't feel left out. This kind of thing could really
get the cats pumped up for a win for Mitchell.
OR
Robert Walls over to the West coast eagles, i say this because i would love
to see 'Plugger Wilson' in the ring of fire, al la Shane Strempal.
Peter, Glen Iris
Date: Sat, 05 May 2001 18:39:33 +1000
From: Julian Toohey
this weeks comp couldn't go without me saying, i am still dirty that
fremantle has a better record over stkilda in their previous clashes, see
week ones entry.
i don't want to be a hindsight genius, but, had gerard neashem and/or
damien drum addressed the stkilda side before they played against
fremantle, stkilda would have won by streets.
i base this on pure logic, that had neasham or drum spoken to stkilda,
their two coaches magic of making fremantle lose every week except
against stkilda would have been reversed, because the two coaches new too
well how to beat fremantle even if they were coaching them at the time.
damien drum and gerard neesham know how to coach against themsleves, that
is why fremantle are always in the bottom half.
if you have managed to decipher whatİmy theory was, you shouldn't be on
radio, you should be working at csiro or nasa.
seeya later
Julian Toohey
Date: Mon, 7 May 2001 09:59:12 +0800
From: Mark Leaker
Robert Shaw at Darren Jarmans last match for Adelaide
Shaw speaks enthusiastically of Jarmans support during his dark days at
Adelaide.
Date: Mon, 7 May 2001 09:57:06 +1000
From: Glenn
With four straight, incepted, benign losses to their credit, I would like to
send the following coaches down to Shell Stadium.
Robert Walls - Robert should go down there and set up one of his infamous
sparring session. The Geelong players will learn how to hit a team mate with
boxing gloves, which may very well teach them how to hitting team mates with
handpasses and kicks.
Former Captain/Coach of the Jika Jika Maximum Security Old Grammarians -
Mark "Chopper" Reid - Mark will do nothing more than dress as a Geelong
supporter and do a little one on one session with every player. It's
shouldn't take too long, all that Chopper will say is "I don't like watching
Geelong lose..........."
Reckon this will just about get us in the eight.
Glenn from Newport
Date: Mon, 7 May 2001 09:57:34 +0800
From: Mark Leaker
Gary Ayres on Shauns Rehns 100 game with Hawthorn at the post match
function
Date: Mon, 7 May 2001 14:38:25 +1000
From: David.Anderson@nre.vic.gov.au
G'day Coodabeens
This isnt quite in line with your comp but ......
Celebrity Coach after match press conference comments (they can be coach of
any
team)
Damir Dokic , "This draw is killing us", after his team loses its second away
game in a row.
Dave Anderson
Date: Mon, 7 May 2001 10:43:22 +0800
From: Mark Leaker
Frank Costa at Leigh Colberts best and fairest award with Nt Melb and
capped off by resigning of new contract with North Melbourne on the same
gala night.
Costa speaks glowingly of LTTJ.İ (Loyalty to the jumper)
Date: Mon, 07 May 2001 18:33:56 +1000
From: MikeH
With North Melbourne languishing at the bottom end of the table coach Dennis
Pagan calls on former club champion Malcolm (aka Mowcum) Blight to speak to
the players and try to help turn things around. Prior to speaking to the
players Blighty had this to say at a press conference:
Blighty: No, I don't see any conflict of interest in me having a few words
to the boys. I spent a long time at the club and part of me still wants to
see the club successful. Even when I coached Adelaide and we stuck it up
them in the '98 grand final, part of me was disappointed...and could I just
say that Corey McKernnans game last Friday night was the most pathetic game
I've ever seen from a player. Worse than Pittman and Everett combined.
After those words Blighty went inside to speak the players.
Blighty: Fellas, before I talk to you I'd first like you all to remind
yourselves of what its like to win. I want you all to gather in a circle and
sing the club song.
[players gather around and sing the song much like they do when the 7
cameras are in the room after a win]
Blighty: Right, number 18 you come over here and stand next to me. Now, the
rest of you, I want you to to take one step into the circle if you're
pissweak.
[silence. No one is game to move. Blighty then goes and starts pushing
players into the circle]
Blighty [pushing a player]: Get in there, you're pissweak. [next player] Get
in there, you're pissweak.
This continues until he gets to number 34 and invites him to join number 18
on the sidelines. He then continues to push the remaining players into the
circle.
Blighty: You're pissweak, what are ya? You're pissweak.
Date: Tue, 08 May 2001 14:55:26 +1000
From: Tim Goddard
Dear Coodabeens and the ballet loving Simon,
It seemed, from the outside, a very opportunistic gesture on Mr Frawleys
behalf. Could it be that all he was doing was riding on the coat tail of
anothers success? We all know, given the history of the Tigers, that his
tenure is limited and he may have been re-establishing the communication lines
with his old club. Altruism my arse.
The competition. Given I am writing this on a Tuesday, it may all be too late
by the time you read this for Damien Drum. I hope not.
In choosing a man to speak to the Drum and his paradiddles, I had to choose
carefully. In the end I left it to a man who would know full well of the
troubles he is going through and the tactics it requires to beat the enemy, Mr
John Coombs, ex secretary of the Maritime Union of Australia (MUA).
Everyone can remember the great work of John Coombs in galvanising the passion
of the workers against the enemy (in that case Corrigan and Reith). His
coaching methods had it all, a successful chant (MUA - here to stay, MUA -
here to stay, etc) , the ability to come back after being forty points down at
half time, and most importantly, the ability to leave a bitter taste of defeat
in the mouths of the opposition.
We all know that Drummy has been frightfully unlucky this year. Let's just
hope that his fellow Stevedoring friends rally behind him and urge John Coombes
to once again provide the inspiration for the Dockers to win again.
Dock on
Date: Tue, 8 May 2001 20:22:15 +1000
From: Michele Blight
At the risk of being accused of copying an entry from last year the coach
who needs to address just one player from my team North Melbourne is the
Obi-Wan Kenobe.
He would simply say "Use the force Corey, use the force"
Michele Blight
Date: Tue, 08 May 2001 22:16:26 +1000
From: Andrew Burke
After Damian Drum's inglorious start to the season, the Fremantle Dockers
have decided to invite a new coach into their rooms each week for the rest
of the year to actually coach the team. Teams who change coach mid-season
have a tremendous record of miraculously finding form (much like horses with
John Size). The Dockers have realised that to realise their dream of playing
in this years finals, they need to win 12 out of their remaining 16 games.
Therefore, Fremantles coach will be sacked each week. The first coach to
inspire the dockers will be Alex Jesaulenko, who last time in this situation
got carlton over the line in a scrappy affair at the s.c.g. In round 8,
Greg Hutchinson will take over the reins as he to seems to have the size
touch with ordinary conveyances (ie. Melbourne circa mid-nineties). From
round nine onwards the new coach will be a west australian who has spent
some time with that rounds opponent. Fremantle insiders believe this secret
information will be pivotal in their climb up the ladder. The coach for
each round, and what they will each emphasise, is listed below;
Rd 9. V Sydney- Andrew McGovern - a strong physical presence.
Date: Wed, 9 May 2001 11:29:27 +1000
From: "Treseder, Peter"
Simon,
Here are my offerings for this week and as it the competition has two
aspects I will give a suggestion for each.
A Coach to Address Another Team
Damir Dokic should address Adelaide, hopefully he will convince them that
they should go back to their home state because "Victoria corrupt, AFL is
crime" and we will never see them in Victoria again.
A Coach to Address my Team
There has always been films were a coach inspires a team to greatness, even
though they have little or no ability. So I could choose someone from
either, "The Bad News Bears" or "The Mighty Ducks I, II or II", I am sure
there are others, but there has only ever been one true motivator that put
honour above reward, put the success of his charge, above his own and
focussed individuals on what they can truly achieve.
That person is Mr "Arnold" Miyagi from the Karate Kid movies. No ranting
and raving can beat, wax on, wax off, paint the fence, sand the floor. No
one else could provide players with such fundemental principles as balance
and focus.
Peter "Trash" Treseder
Date: Wed, 09 May 2001 13:27:51 +1000
From: MikeH
With parliament becoming increasing partisan the speaker of
the house decided to enlist Malcolm Blight to address the
re-enactment of federation at the exhibition buildings. The
speaker hoped Blighty would motivate the pollies to become
more bi-partisan and to get there snouts out of the trough.
Blighty: Fellas, before I talk to you I'd first like you all
to remind yourselves that you're living in a great country. I
want you all to go outside into the gardens and gather in a
circle and sing the national anthem. For those who don't know
the words to that last bit the words will be displayed up on
large cards...
[pollies gather around and sing the anthem]
Blighty: Right, I want you to to take one step into the
circle if you're pissweak.
[silence. No one is game to move. Blighty then goes and
starts pushing pollies into the circle]
Blighty [pushing a politician]: Get in there, you're
pissweak. [next politician] Get in there, you're pissweak.
He goes up behind Johnny Howard...
Blighty: Get in there, you're pissweak.
He goes up behind big kimbo...
Blighty: Hey mate [he says beckoning to a bystander] give me
a hand to push big kimbo into the circle...Now get in there,
you're pissweak...you too 'tasha, get in there, you're
pissweak
[He then continues to push all the politicians into the
circle.
Blighty: You're pissweak, what are ya? You're pissweak.
Date: Wed, 9 May 2001 13:24:17 +1000
From: Mega Trim
G'day Fella's,
Good to be back in the swing of the competition after an extended pre
season has kept me from entering prior to this (Read that as I was too lazy
to get off my bum and write something until now!)
I have decided to send Damien Drum to Essendon with the theme "You are only
a bad week away from obscurity!"
The Bombers have been, and rightly so, touted as possible Premiership
Contenders this year and Damien needs to talk to them for two reasons.
A. He needs to bring the team back to a stable, safe level, It would be to
the Bombers player something akin to Steve Waughs trips to Indian
Orphanages, Drum will remind them of the people who are not as fortunate as
themselves yet share the same space as they do. Even when Steve Waughs
Aussies were humiliating the rest of the cricketing world, Waugh always said
that meeting these people always put this life in perspective, maybe the all
conquering Dons will feel the same way.
B. He needs to take a concealed tape deck, web cam, spy camera ECT and see
hows it really done and get a few pointers for his next coaching
appointment..........in the WAFL!
Cheers
Date: Wed, 09 May 2001 04:54:26 -0000
From: henry gondorff
i want to see the guy who sent the box of sheep hearts to the Geelong
Football Club in the early 90's address the current team - maybe they can
learn a few things. Of course this would only be after the team apologises
for another inept performance because they are sensitive new age cats.
i believe the supporter concerned is coaching under 12s and has got his
team kicking and handballing to their own team-mates - maybe he has stumbled
onto some sort of secret on how its done. I hope david clarke, amongst
others, is sitting in the front row when he gives his speech!
Cheers
Date: Wed, 9 May 2001 16:36:02 +1000
From: "BULL,TRAVIS (HP-Australia,ex2)"
I reckon Sanford Meisner (NY Acting coach) would really help out Essendon
in their clash against Freemantle
I'll explain how.
Firstly he would need to speak to the players and coaching staff on the
Wednesday before the match. That way sheeds could be taught how to look
serious when saying. "This is going to be a really hard game for us, it's a
real danger game"
Secondly Lloyd could improve his acting skills when going for the footy. If
he is touched by an opponent he could grab hold of chest and fall to the
ground as if he had been stabbed by some Shakespearean character. This would
guarantee a free kick.
Thirdly and probably the most important thing this acting coach could help
with is football players favorite motion "the head droop". The head droop
can best be summed up as a self-disappointment meter. The more
disappointment the more head droop. They will need to practice this
continuously at training and be ready to use it in the last quarter as the
doctors move to within 15goals of the bombers. This gives the impression of
the player actually caring about the points margin. Sheeds won't drag them
then.
Finally all players could be helped just like the coach in sounding
convincing when at the end of the 15 Goal win saying "Look they were really
hard at it today but the boys managed to overcome them in the end"
Entry By: Travis Bull
Date: Wed, 9 May 2001 20:51:57 +1000
From: Jeffrey Ferguson
Congratulations on the ratings!
Guest coach for round 7 at the Geelong Football Club
Julian Cleary!!
His address to the team before the Carlton game:
"Now listen up dearies. It doesn't matter if you win or lose, just
remember that it's important that you look the part! Remember that with
black football boots you can sport any colored handbag you likeİ(prefer
Oroton duckies, but whatever the local op shop sells will do just fine)
but that with white footy boots (yes I mean you Mr Newman) only a black
bag will do.
Remember to carry your mascara and mirror in an easily accessable
location and that at the end of the game a quick touch up will do wonders
for your self esteem!!
Try not to sweat too much as this will make your foundation run. Remember
to be gratious in defeat and not over exuberant in victory. And always
remember that the people of Geelong love you, even if they will not buy a
membership. Good luck boys and I look forward to seeing all of you after
the game. Toodle pip."
(no - I am not a Geelong supporter!)
Jeffrey (I ain't gonna Geelong soon) Ferguson
Date: Thu, 26 Apr 2001 13:53:34 +1000
From: Matt Laing
Similar to the days when Peter Landy hosted 'That Was The Season That
Was,' I can't wait to read the 16 page liftout in next week's paper that
chronologically lists in intimate detail all the off field incidents that
have occurred since the VFL became the AFL right up until last weekend. A
special centrespread with pictorials willİreveal İMike Sheahan's or
Robert Walls' Top 50 controversies.
Dear Coodabeens,
There is a big chance that Clive Waterhouse will play his 100th match for
the Dockers in the last round of the year.
Wouldn't it be great if the club would allow the ex-coach who showed so
much faith in him over the years to speak to the team again. As long as
it's alright with the interim coach it would also give Drummy a chance
"finish what he started".
Date: Wed, 09 May 2001 13:32:18 -0000
From: barry tyrrell
"Coaches addressing other teams, Danny Frawley style"
>What about having Damien Drum speak to the Richmond players before a game.
>It would be business as usual for the Tiger players being addressed by
>coach about to be sacked, but they would feel OK knowing that he didn't care and
>would get on with life!
>
>Umpires coach Jeff Gieshan could address the Kangaroos players, no reason
>except he knows what it's like to be in charge of a group that's having a
>shocker. Denis Pagan could speak to the umpires and fix up their current
>problem of being crashed into by players. They would adopt the "maggots
>paddock".
>The leaders of the two superpowers could address each others teams. They
>have common issues with air defence, snipers in the 70's and even
>Martians. Both men are experts in getting under their oppositions skin and
>are prone to say some kooky things at times, but after listening to Sheedy
>for so long most people at Essendon would welcome Goerge W Bush as a breath
>of fresh air.
>Ex coach David Parkin thinks the game is becoming boring, while Robert Walls
>lamented coaches are scared to take chances at training and the lack of
>competitive work led to a decline in high marking skills. Why not have
>Rodney Eade, the man credited with inventing flooding, address the Western
>Bulldogs. Terry Wallace, who used flooding so successfully against the
>Bombers last year, could address the Swans. Both coaches could build on
>each
>others message and flooding would be taken to a new level, with both sides
>dropping back into their defensive zone. There would be spekkie after
>spekkie as the game got back to basics. Fans would see the biggest names in
>the game playing "kick to kick"! I can see it now, Libba sidles up to Chris
>Grant and says, "I'll wax ya."
Date: Thu, 10 May 2001 09:30:09 +1000
From: Keith Payne
I suggest that "Spud" be the recipient this time, and that "Tee Shirt
Tommy" go back to Richmond to talk about, say..
Kickin'
Runnin'
Hand Ballin'
Tacklin'
Markin'
Shootin'
And to explain his role in removing "voice of the 'G"
Date: Thu, 10 May 2001 10:57:54 +1000
From: Mark Drill
After a terrific gesture 2 seasons ago for the Big Fish's 300th @
Hawthorn, Kevin Sheedy has again offered his services for a former
colleague's 1000th. On a sour note though Richmond officials declared
that David Wheadon's landmark game (as an assistant coach) did not
warrant Kevin's appearance in their rooms before the game to address
their troops.
Cheers
Mark
Date: Thu, 10 May 2001 14:01:52 +1000
From: Melbourne Fitness
May I request John Kennedy to address Geelongİplayers any quarter, any
game with his inspirational and incredibly appropriate "just do something!" speech.
Thanks
P.S. Can I also request heİsingle out Clint Bizzell with "Clint, just come off the ground and say
Jac & Pete
a.. Comments of each coach to all other teams:
> b.. AYRES: Strive to be like Hawthorn in the 80s
> c.. WALLACE: ditto
> d.. SCHWAB: ditto
> e.. EADE: ditto
> f.. MATTHEWS: ditto
> g.. JUDGE: ditto
> h.. THOMPSON: ditto. I should know having played against them.
> i.. DANIHER: ditto
> j.. FRAWLEY: ditto
> k.. WILLIAMS:ditto
> l.. SHEEDY: I'm big Kev and I'm excited, having coached against
Hawthorn in the 80s.
m.. DRUM: Strive to be like Hawthorn in the 80s. I should know,
having been assistant coach to one of their players.
> n.. PAGAN: Strive to be like hawthorn in the 80s. I should know,
having been assistant to Big Kev, who coached against them.
> o.. MALTHOUSE: It's not whether you win or lose, it's whether you
learn something from the experience. I learned that by being flogged by Hawthor$
> p.. BRITTAIN: No comment. Parkin (Hawthorn) taught me that.
> q.. BLIGHT: I don't give a rats toss bag how you play, because I've
got a Hawthorn player of the 80s trying to emulate my coaching feats.
Peter Kilgour of Croydon ( Melbourne supporter surprisingly)
Date: Thu, 10 May 2001 18:30:49 +1000
From: Jason North
1) Send X St Kilda coach to pep talk and game plan the Dockers strategy
against
the Crows this week. Playing on the his been there and done that theory.
Once he
has left the room, Damian Drum tell's his players to do exactly opposite to
what
Tim had told them and they will get their 1st win.
2) Setting: Optus Oval 3 weeks ago. Pouring rain, Lightning everywhere,
Carlton down at
3/4 time. Out strolls X coach of everyone Ron Barrassi, mutton chops, long
trench coat, joint in
the corner of his mouth (maybe not). Pleads on his knees " WILL YOU STOP
BLOODY
HANDBALLING and KICK THE THING". Then calmly walks off.
3) Setting: Training Thursday Night at Optus Oval, Getting dark, cold and
light drizzle.
The team where just put through one of Wayne's very tough drills where they
all bump
into each other handballings, whilst saying sorry to each other. Out walks
X Nth Launceston,
Frankston & Current Diamond Valley Coach David Rhys Jones, with a pair of
boxing
gloves and without any warning starts beating Wayne Brittain senseless.
Standing
over the slumped body of Wayne, he addresses the players with 5 simple
words that
Wallsy taught him "Actions speak louder than Words".
All the Best
Jason North
Date: Thu, 10 May 2001 23:29:28 +1000
From: Doug Long
A slightly "off brief" entry.
Todd Curley doesn’t need another coach to stop him getting "lost" on
the field.
He IS a Dog, so who more appropriate to guide him than using Tamsyn
(ALMOST MORE FAMOUS for her "Come on Curly" ad than HER RUNNING) Lewis to
be a runner and yell out a few "Come on Curly"s to keep him from
straying.
The main entry: ***************#######
This one happened on the very wet day when the KANGAS HAS THEIR FIRST WIN
for the year at Geelong.
Denis Pagan introduces a CAPTAIN to address the players (who are all
given hats)
"Now players, you don’t need me to tell you that we are really up
against it.
The CONDITIONS ARE DEPLORABLE; the challenge is immense; at times like
this we need to stick together. This challenge we face today will TEST
THE CHARACTER of each one. Only if we all throw our hats into the ring
will we succeed today in this gruelling quest."
The Captain throws his hat into the ring. Symbolically, all the players
do the same.
"We are now ready for the challenge. I am your COACH CAPTAIN. Hop onto
the bus; the Geelong freeway is washed out and if anyone calls me a BUS
DRIVER, he can get out and walk."
5.45pm: The team jumps aboard and all arrive safely in Melbourne 3–
4 hours later.
Doug (I will not enter again if I win) Long
Date: Fri, 11 May 2001 00:26:20 +1000
From: Mark Giuliano
The place - Stadium Australia - a distant relic of the now defunct
Olympic Games.
The occasion - the first AFL player born and bred in the suburbs of
Sydney to play 300 AFL games.
Ruckman Greg Stafford is preparing for his milestone in the very same
room usedİ9 years earlier by such icons as Cathy Freeman, Maurice Green,
Michael Johnson,İthat African swimmer who nearly drowned, swimming 50
metres slower than he could have crawled it backwards (over glass)....
(in the dark).........Kyle Van Der Kuyp, Tamsyn Lewis, Kathryn Merry.....
.......
Arrrgggggh don't get me started!!!!
Teammates of Stafford have decided to make the occasion really special
for the big man by inviting the coach from Stafford's first senior game
with the Swans.
It was 1993, when the Swans headed to Princes Park (now Carlton's
sometimes training venue) and prepared thmselves for the big match. They
eagerly awaited an awe-inspiring address from their coach..... a man who
(legend had it) could invigorate men to such heights that several
recalled looking down on themselves from above as they performed feats of
rare brilliance....... they recalled being beckoned towards a bright
light........ they recalled seeing their brilliant careers flash before
their eyes........
Arrrgggggh don't get me started!!!!
The man who was about to enter the bowels ofİ Olympic Park would honour
Big Staff and provide his teammates with undeniable fervour as they went
into battle.
"Golden" Staff remembered his first coach as the greatest influence on
his career. "He certainly made an indelible imprint on my career"
recalled Stafford this week as he prepared for the match of his life. "I
only hope his address this Sunday will go somewhere near helping us to
the type of performance he inspired on that day back in '93."
Sunday afternoon, 1.10pm, Swans dressing room.İ Players nervously
awaiting the introduction of the fabled coach.
Here was the man to recount to Stafford's younger teammates the brave
deeds he had performred back in that 93 debut and the immense impact it
had on the sides fortunes !!!!
Enter.......
...............................Brett Scott.
The man who coached the Swans for those 2 games between Gary Buckenara
ad Ron Barassi.
One of only 2 men to coach the Swans and never win a game (the other -
Tommy "can you hear me Harry ?" Lahiff)
Brett Scott - the injury dogged Swans centreman recruited from Riverina
club, The Rock......
Brett Scott - a name later immortalised as a New Zealand jumps jockey.
Brett Scott - whose 2 games as coach totalled 59 goals to the opposition
...........whose 2 games as coach averaged 109 point
losses............... whose 2 games as coach contained 8 memorable
quarters - 4 of which had the oppositon kicking 10 or more goals.
Arrrgggggh don't get me started.
Good Luck Staff !!!!!!
Regards
Mark Giuliano
Date: Thu, 10 May 2001 16:21:58
From: stuart mcarthur
Dear Simon,
FLYING START PROMOTIONS "DIAL-A-COACH"
guest coaches for all occasions
1. if your team has too many players who think the earth is moving quickly
and the ox is IM-patient, Mick Malthouse could be of use.
2. if the players are too laidback or unstimulated, and 'Eye of the Tiger'
has stopped working its magic, then Percy Jones can come through one door
and Tony Jewell through the other.
3. if your team's a bunch of dickheads who are lucky even to be in the comp,
then just walking Blighty past the window will get you two flags.
4. if the players are a bit depressed and need someone to liven them up, to
make balloon animals, do impressions and tell knock-knock jokes, Denis
Pagan's the man.
5. if the team is coached by David Parkin and you want the element of
surprise, a good pre-match guest coach would be David Parkin.
6. if your team's at the bottom of the ladder and is being undermined by a
single portly player who distracts everyone with his passionate yet
humourous views on all things sporty, and who insists on travelling by
train, then early 70s coach Brian Dixon might have some tips.
7. if all the players' first names are Kevin, and all their surnames are
Walsh, K. Sheedy'll be there in 20 minutes - nah, no charge.
8. if you don't have the heart to sack a few of your older, experienced,
crowd-favourite, heart-and-soul-of-the-club type players, then fifteen
minutes with Francis Bourke and they'll leave of their own accord.
(yes- still bitter and twisted)
For those who don't leave, bring in Robert Walls to assassinate them.
Regards,
Stuart McArthur
Date: Fri, 11 May 2001 08:05:44 +1000
From: Keith Payne
From Keith Payne, 2 Fern Grove, Ferny Creek, 3786
We don't even have to imagine this anymore 'cus it happened this week.....
Tiny Tim has gone back to Essendon. We can only hope that he shares his
coaching techniques with the Bombers and that some of that St Kilda culture
begins to permeate Windy Hill. Smart move, Essendon.
Another possible move that I would like to see is...
Robert Walls going to Windy Hill to help develop their boxing skills. That
could work for me, especially if Jimmy was in the middle.
Date: Fri, 11 May 2001 09:20:13 +1000
From: KyselaO
Simon
Guest Coach: Cec Waters
Guest Coach: Paul Clitheroe
Guest Coach: Edward Beale
Oliver Kysela
Date: Fri, 11 May 2001 09:33:39 +1000
From: matthew.zappulla@au.pwcglobal.com
As a huge Carlton fan I'm eagerly anticipating the 300th game of Stephen
Silvagni. And having done my sums, SOS currently has 295 games under his
belt, so only 5 games to go. Anyhow, in the tradition of the season he's
having SOS comes back a little early from the busted ball he got a few
weeks ago (which still makes me a little queasy every time I think about
it) and has to have a few more weeks off. Accordingly his 300th is
fittingly scheduled against Hawthorn in Round 17. But I digress....
'Braddles' makes a plea to none other than Hawthorn Director of Football
and ex-Carlton coaching legend David Parkin to speak to the Carlton players
before the game. Parko willing obliges and the jugular pops out no less
than 7 times as he extols the virtues of the AFL's full back of the
century, who could never be described as 'boring'. Parko reflects on the
number of times Silvagni was up against the best era of Forwards the AFL
has ever had - Dunstall, Lockett, Ablett, Carey et al - and how often he
mindlessly put his body on the line and came out on top. It was SOS who
made the famous speech at 3/4 time to the Carlton players in the famous
1999 preliminary final win. And he even scored Jo Bailey - what a bloke!
Even Big Jack has a tear in the eye as the Carlton players run down the
race bouncing off the walls.....
As the players run out, Parkin is cornered by Wes Lofts and locked in the
boot studders room, causing all sorts of disarray and confusion in the
Hawthorn coaching box as their highly esteemed Director of Football goes
missing.
Carlton promptly go on to win by 41 points and avenge the shellacking we
got in Round 2 at Optus Oval.
Thanks for the mention last week!
Matthew Zappulla
(mattandgen@hotmail.com)
Date: Fri, 11 May 2001 10:24:40 +1000
From: Adam Ellerton
Hi Coodabeens
The milestone is Dale Kickett's 163rd game this week and after getting
suspended for nine weeks at the end of last season it's quite an
achievement to reach that mark so I'd have all Dale's former coaches in
the rooms. It sure would be crowded in there in there and with five
people to speak it might take a while but Dale deserves the honor. First
off Rod Austin would talk about Dale's Fitzroy days where in 1990 he
played 15 marvelous games and kicked 13 goals. If only anybody
remembered them. Dale returned home to WA in the 1991 season to play for
West Coast. Mick Malthouse would talk about Dale's two games for the
club. Mick would talk about punching from behind, playing in front,
manning up and kicking the ball long and how there was just no room at
the club for such a disciplined player as Dale in such an attacking
taking the man on, jumping for screamers style of football was what he
required. Kenny Sheldon would then come on to talk about Dale's 1992 &
93 seasons with the Saints. Kenny would speak about Dale's 21 games
which put him about fifth on the all time games played record for the
Saints. Then Kevin Sheedy would have the floor and talk about Dale's 94
season with the dons where he continued the fine Kickett tradition of
playing good football then leaving Essendon. Long may it continue.
Finally Gerard Neesham would talk about 95-98 Freo years. Gerard would
go on to say how he wished he had twenty two Dale Kickett's to run out
onto the field, sadly for Gerard he had only one Dale Kickett and twenty
one other guys who tried to play like him.
Date: Fri, 11 May 2001 10:51:29 +1000
From: Tasesa Lavea
after a 3 week absense from the competition because of a self-imposed
boycott as the man with the gavel (simon) did not mention me in the
round 2 comp i am back and ready for action.
here's my opinion...
don't you guys think it would be appropriate for messrs shaw, nunan
and watson to give drummy a pep talk, not the players, just drummy.
Date: Fri, 11 May 2001 12:53:35 +1000
From: Ben Davies
The ultimate pre-match motivational speakers, for each team.
In order to find the best and most inspirational speakers, it is
sometimes necessary to look beyond the boundaries of your own football
code, just like Sheeds bringing in Viv Richards and the Hawks using Pat
Cash in the 1980s. These up-lifting wordsİshouldİignite even the most
flagging of football spirits...
By Ben Davies
Adelaide:
Pat Rafter - "How to keep living off the glory of '97 and '98"
Brisbane:
Fat Boy Slim - provides an historical perpective on the development of
the club, post-Christopher Skase - "You've come a long way, Baby"
Carlton:
The dismembered kinght from 'The Holy Grail' - "How to overcome all those
injuries"
Collingwood:
Milli Vanilli - know how to sympathise with the Pies - "We wereİ REALLY
BIG in 1990, but have been in the wilderness ever since"
Essendon:
Queen Victoria - implores the Dons to maintain their high standards -
"You won't be a TRULY GREAT side until you string together an era like
mine"
Fremantle:
Ronnie Biggs - "How to get out of tight situations when everyone is out
to get you" (he need only address his remarks to the coach)
Geelong:
Margaret Thatcher - "Just because you carry a handbag, doesn't mean you
can't project an image of strength"
Hawthorn:
Cold Chisel & Madonna - 80s icons whoİhave been able to maintain their
success
Kangaroos:
Sean Connnery - "How to age gracefully"
Melbourne:
Shirley Bassey - Sings "Diamonds are Forever" before the game (and at the
next board meeting) toİre-assure doubters about the Club President.
Richmond:
Bart Simpson - "Under-achiever - And Proud Of It!"
Port Adelaide:
Carmen Lawrence - delivers a word of warning to the cocky Power players -
"Just because you'reİa big fish in your own state, doesn't mean you'll
make it on the national stage..."
St. Kilda:
Nelson Mandela - "How to survive all thoseİlean years"
Sydney:
Natasha Stott-Despoja and Anna Kournikova "So they say you're all image
and no substance...."
West Coast Eagles:
John Travolta - "How to make a big come-back when they all thought you
were a has-been"
Western Bulldogs:
Vince McMahon - Provides expert counsel to the Dogs on how their on-field
notoriety can be used to their advantage -"Violence and dirty tactics:
The key to sporting success!"
Date: Fri, 11 May 2001 13:03:34 +1100
From: Paul Hughes
I imagine that there will be a few entries sending a coach down to
Fremantle for the much anticipated "Smash-up Derby" against the once
supreme eagles.
However imagine this much more vital scenario.
Grand Final day. Essendon has easily won it's preliminary final and
are into the big one.
Geelong has just snuck in with a fairytale 3 point win, in their
preliminary final after ...
Logical conclusion: As always fairytale is spoilt in typical
Essendon/Carlton/North/Hawthorn/"propped up interstate club" fashion.
This occasion calls for a true diplomat. A true coach with heart.
That man?....
That's right. With a new line up including Leigh Colbert, Matthew
Primus, Ben Cousins, Aaron Lord, and the other players I don't know
because I follow Hawthorn and we never have to worry about the Cats!
Yet I digress - for the true master stroke comes in this:
JOHN BARNES will have to take a trip back through his career, going
back to Geelong to give up the Bombers game plan, and THEN back to
Essendon to do an 'insider' job; getting in the way of Fletcher,
continually bumping out his own players and taking kicks from full
back - kicking wide to the Geelong players either side of Whelman.
Paul Hughes.
"Bringing love back to football action faction."
Date: Fri, 11 May 2001 13:04:59 +1000
From: "Salton, Jeff"
Coach: Damir Dokic (coaches daughter Jelena)
The setting: Inner sanctum in MCG away change rooms. Sheeds gathers the
players around in a U-shape on the benches and stands before them.
Sheeds: "Special guest today lads for the pre-match address. Put your
hands together for that little Yugoslavian battler -Damir Dokic.
Jeff Salton
Date: Fri, 11 May 2001 15:59:51 +1000
From: paul russo
OPPOSING COACH TO ADDRESS YOUR CLUB
ALLAN JEANS TO ADDRESS COLLINGWOOD WITH HIS FAMOUS "PAY THE PRICE " SPEECH
(spoken in the Jeans' "i don't want to knock the boy" tone)
"Now you men have been given a choice. To be successful or not in your
chosen field. So what is required for success ? Let me tell you a story.
Two boys both needed new runners. One went into a discount store and bought
a cheap pair of Australian made shoes - Dick Smith's new brand "ADIDICKS".
The other bought an expensive pair of Air Nikes. After a couple of weeks
the cheap pair had started to wear through. The young lad who bought them
said to his mate with the still good Nikes " I wish I'd been prepared to
PAY THE PRICE". So men to be successful you got to be prepared to PAY THE
PRICE"
From Faction 3366 Paul Russo/John Clements
Date: Fri, 11 May 2001 16:32:00 +1000
From: John Clements
In a desperate move after a number of losses and a series of unsuccessful
three point attempts and inferior dribbling, the wily Rodney Eade whose
position had begun to look shaky called upon his old teammate Don Scott. He
was hoping Don would pass the breadth of his experience as coach of South
Adelaide onto his hapless charges.
Don spoke for a number of hours about a diverse range of topics, from his
experience as the fashion leader at Glenferrie and how he coped when he was
usurped by Plough Wallace to the endurance required to stick at a
commentating role next to Peter McKenna. Eade made sure the entire board
and playing list were present. As the perplexed players filed out of the
room it was clear Eade's plan had worked a treat. Richard Colless offered
Rodney a new five year deal and the players discovered a new found
enthusiasm for the words of their coach.
Why isn't it the Pratt/Hudson Medal? faction. John Clements
Date: Fri, 11 May 2001 19:31:06 +1000 (EST)
From: RODNEY GLENN STRONG
Given the spate of injuries and suspensions at the Western Bulldogs, I'd have
Terry
Wallace in the opposition rooms before every match to politely ask whether they
wouldn't mind flooding their own forward lines.
Cheers,
Rod Strong
ps - your only option is not, by definition, an option.
Function sponsored by Carlovers who award Rehn a franchise
John Howard, "Sorry", after misunderstanding a question about Jeff Farmer's
fitness
Juan Antonio Samaranch, "Sid-an-ee", responding to a question as to who might
be a threat this year
Greg Norman, "I thought we played pretty good footy today", after his team has
squandered a 6 goal three- quarter time advantage to lose by 6
Alan Fels, "Our backs played without any collusion today", (though they all had
identical stats)
Hansie Cronje, "That was a pretty good result for us today" after his red-hot
favourites had squandered a 63 point 3/4 time lead to fall in by 11 points.
Paul Keating, "What paper are you from scumbag?"after a Herald Sun reporter
asks
his second incredibly stupid question.
Big Kev, "I'm excited!", after his team wins its second game for the season in
Round 17.
Alan Jones, "I'm Alan Jones", signing off after any away game press
conference
Cornelia Francis, "That question is ........incorrect", eliminating the need
for sidestepping or lying should she be asked anything other than the usual press
conference Dorothy Dixer
Benalla
Rd 10.V Richmond - Michael Mitchell- pace and silky skills.
Rd 11.V Kangaroos- Chris Groom - Intelligent tap-work.
Rd 12.V St.Kilda- Tony Delaney - Adaptability, playing for one team and
coaching another.
Rd 13.V Essendon.- Derek Kickett- How to really hate your opposition.
Rd 14.V Pt.Adelaide- Jarrod Schofield- (see Tony Delaney).
Rd 15.V Western Bulldogs- Simon Beasley- sharp-shooting and modest hair-dos.
Rd 16.V Carlton- Jon Dorotich- Protecting teammates who are "in the van".
Rd 17.V Collingwood- Craig Starcevich- Playing 4 quaters, not just one, or
often none at all.
Rd 18.V Hawthorn- Gary Buckenara- game is not over until just after the
final siren.
Rd 19.V West Coast- Hong Kong Jockey Jackie Tse- Not being overun at the end
of a derby.
Rd 20.V Brisbane Lions- John Hutton- Safety being paramount.
Rd 21.V Melbourne- Darren Bennett- Backing yourself to kick those goals from
outside 90.
Rd 22.V Adelaide- Damian Drum- Practice for the upcoming finals.
Kevin Nolan
Henry Gondorff
Toorak
Stuart Lyall
'I did something!'"
Team: Fremantle
Address: Cover up in defence, then lead in with consecutive
one-twos, then the suprise uppercut. Strictly no haymakers.
Special Occasion: West Australian Derby
Team: Melbourne
Address: The principles of risk averse portfolio management
and the advantages of negative gearing.
Special Occasion: On the eve of two consecutive quarters of negative
economic growth.
Team: Hawthorn
Address: How to ensure your blonde tips don't look like one
of Scotty West's mates did them with half a litre of lemon juice
Special Occasion: Any game with more than 15 minutes of television
coverage.
Yes, King Cyrus, coach of Persia, will be visiting the Essendon rooms
on Grand Final day in 2001.
Why? Cast your eyes back to when Judah had been captured by the
Babylonians and the Jews were exiled. All had gone wrong, and though
some remained - the backline was shaky and a merger was immanent.
Well none other than the "Persian Penatrator" - Good King Cyrus, took
over Babylonia, and moved in his heart by God, gave Jerusalem back to
the Jews.
But could he persuade Kevin Sheedy to give over the flag? And would
that constitute a true win in the heart of Geelong fans? No.
Rather Cyrus will be there to LET THEM KNOW ALL THE RIGHTFUL GEELONG
PLAYERS HAVE BEEN RETURNED TO THE CATS.
Sent to: The Bombers
Before which game: Tigersİvs Bombers (today)
Reason: Frawley convinces Sheeds to use him as a motivational
speaker
Players
and official clap feebly.
Damir struts in and slams door behind him:
(Simon, use your best
broken English accent when Damir speaks)
"That fish no good, no good!" he shouts back through the door. He swings
wildlyaround to face the Bombers, glares at them with piercing eyesİand
pointsİa gnarledİfinger towards them. They all look very wide-eyed and
alarmed. "If I come to your house some day, you never give me fish like that.
Understand?" he seethes.İMost Bombers nod.
He studies the room, then remembers why he is there.
"Today, we talk about beating opponent."He is still shouting. He pulls
out a smashed tennis racquet from a sports bag he has carried in and
begins waving it madly around. The players in the front row can feel the
wind in their hair and begin to duck.
"This, I smash on opponent in dressing room like this one after she beat
Jelena in Hopmann Cup two years ago. I don't forget it. She NEVER
forget it. Who wants demonstration?"
Several of the Bombers back away nervously while others study their
bootlaces.
He grabs John Barnes and shakes him vigorously. "You look when I talk or
maybe this racquet need doctor to remove," he shouts at Barnesy and the
group, his face purple, the veins in his neck and temple visibly pulsing.
A small yellow puddle emerges on Barnesy's chair. Several Bombers begin
to sob. Sheeds stands there, frozen. "You just like Jelena when she was two," he yells, waving his arm across
the group from left to right.
"She a baby then. Now she no cry no moreİ Now, her opponents cry
instead." He laughs, alone.
He drifts off, reminiscing while punching his right fist into hisİopen
left palm. Suddenly, he looks up.
"Time for speaking finished," he roars, making the players jump. "Now is
time for action I tough, I show you how tough Who wants to take first
swing at Damir?"
No-one moves.
"You!" he points to Dean Wallis. "Come here."
Wallis slowing rises to his feet and joins Damir in front of the group.
"Punch me onİchin."İ Dean throws a weak punch.
"You hit like girl!" bellows Damir. "Hit harder!" Wallis plucks up his
courage and whacks him hard on the nose, but Damir doesn't budge even
though blood begins to ooze from his nostrils.
Wallis looks in disbelief, then turns to sit down again. Damir collects him with a fearsome blow to the back of the head which sends him flying
back into the other players seated in front of them.
"Do that to other team, guarantee you win. Always works in Yugoslavia
home town when I play in under 13's."
He turns to Sheeds ... "Demonstration over. You pay now," he states, his
arm outstretched to receive his money.
Sheeds quickly fumbles for his wallet and gives Damir all his cash,
credit cards, driver's licence and membership ticket.
"I go." Damir says bluntly. "You need more talk, I come back another
time." Damir leaves, the room remains silent. Someone can be
heard faintly gibbering: "Mummy, I want my mummy?"
Sheeds says quietly, soothingly: "Come on guys - it's time. Let's go kick
some Tiger butt."
After much coaxing, the Bombers run out holding hands but BOUNCE OFF the
paper banner.
Danny Frawley, sitting up theİTigers' coach's box, watches this, crosses
his arms and smiles broadly. The phone rings. Frawley picks it up. It's Damir on the other end.
"Mr Frawley. I now on boundary line wearing silly bright green jacket
with number on back. When you want that I should run out to give Bomber
players message?"
Jeff from Kilsyth
A hand appears from the back row of the players."Excuse me Mr Jeans,
according to Mr Malthouse collectively here at Collingwood we should not be
supporting a multi-national sports shoe tyrant of world globalisation who
exploits their workers by paying them a pittance every month".
Jeans looks perplexed as another Collingwood player, well known
environmentalist ferral Shane O'Bree says " I agree, we here at S29(named
after September 29th, Grand Final day), believe we should be playing in
bare feet".
Jeans is then jostled by a menacing group of blockading players who won't
let him leave the room without retracting his statement and renouncing
globalisation. Nathan Buckley then fires up the players on a loud hailer
with the chant "Hey, hey ,ho, ho Jeans has got to go".