The Coodabeen Champions Competition
Round Eighteen:
Retirements are the flavour of the season.
Choose a player and club, and set up, stage-manage and spin-doctor the retirement and associated ceremonies and media events.
From: Paul Martin
Simon, how about the six degrees of separation?
1st. DEGREE:The Monday Moment.
2nd. DEGREE: Tell a bit of it..... Tuesday.
3rd. DEGREE: The Wednesday Worm.
4th. DEGREE: This is your life Thursday.
5th. DEGREE: Farewell Friday.
6th. DEGREE: Separation Saturday.
cheers, paul martin.
From: Cheryl Harvey
Press conference to announce retirment of Richmond Football Club, attending Clinton Casey and Danny Frawley.
Casey: We are here today to formally retire the Tigers from the AFL commencing season 2003. A few of the reasons are as follows:
Cheryl (bitter & disillusioned Tiger) Harvey
From:
Matthew Laing
Media Release:
Adelaide Crows star rookie Graham Johncock has announced his retirement after a stellar career spanning 20 games for the club.
It now appears likely thatyoung recruit Wayne Carey will be honoured by recieving Johncock's no. 18 jumper in what can only be described as an honour for the young Carey.
An official handing over of Johncock's famous guernsey will take place at Heaven nightclub.
Rodney Maynard, the first man to wear no. 18, will be the master of ceremonies.
Matty Laing
From:
Darren_Wharton@tac.vic.gov.au
Dear Simon,
In line with the fanfare of recent retirements, I submit the following;
PRESS RELEASE MELBOURNE HERALD SUN ARGUS AGE COSMOPOLITAN
The Board and members of the Carlton Blue Kangaroos Football Club sadly and tragically anounce the death and subsequent forced retirement of Viscount Craig Bradley.
Bradley represented the Carlton Blues from 1986 untill 2002 when Denis Pagan single handedly merged the club with the Kangaroo Kangaroos where Bradley played from 2003 untill his recent tragic passing.
Long serving club captain Jo Silvagni or "DOSOSOSOSOS" (Daughter of son of son of son of son of Serge) stated publicly that Viscount Bradley was an inspiration to 11 generations of footballers.
The Viscounts great great great grandson said from his retirement home on the Gold Coast that the loss of Viscount Bradley would be felt not only accross the earth but in the space stations and lunar colonies as well.
Retired AFL Chief Commissioner Nikki Webster will sing at the state service to be held prior to the Blue Kangaroos virtual reality game against Papua New Guinea/East Timor at Ausspacorp (Australian Space Corporation) Stadium, sub level 77 on Wednesday afternoon.
Cryogenically regenerated former Rolling Stone Bill Wyman, the only living organism older than Viscount Bradley untill today, has agreed to perform his remake of the stirring and unforgetable "Je suis un rock star".
Australia's beloved King, William Wheaties XIV will be beamed back in time for the service.
It is expected that Viscount Bradley will be cryogenically stored and should be available to play should the Blue Kangaroos make the finals.
Darren Wharton
From: shag@alphalink.com.au
Hi Simon,
Fast Forward to the year 2005, Round 16, The Saints win/loss ratio is 2
Saints Coach Rod Butterss fronts a packed media conference held in the
Saints new rooms at "Hutchinsons" - the rooms that were designed by the
playing group, headed by Round 6's co-captain, Spider Everett. The
rooms, previously converted from a nightclub, still complete with bar,
revolving dance-floor and disco balls, are state of the art.
In attendance next to Butterss are The Saints' three dual Brownlow
Medallists - Kozitske, Riewoldt & Milne (the new Milleniums answer to
Burke, Harvey & Leowe). None of them have played since Round 5. Kozitske
is suffering a recurring back-related hamstring injury, Riewoldt has
Osteitis Pubis, and Milne has career-threatening stress fractures in the
foot caused by kicking too many goals.
ñThese guys are 22 years old now, and have served us tremendously,
theres been none better. But its time to move onƒmove forward to the
next era nowƒto let them go. Its time to look to the youthƒ.for us to
rebuildƒto look to the futureƒ to the youthƒgo through the
processƒƒagainƒî, spouts Butterss. ñWe will get 7 priority draft picks
from the AFL next year, and we hope to pick up the best youngsters in
the land, and build for the futureƒbuild a competitive unit as part of
our 20-year processƒits time to put this process behind us and look
ahead to the futureƒ Are there any questionsƒî
ñAh, Yes, Rodî, a slightly whiney voice interrupts, ñCaroline Wilson
from The Truth Newspaper, Rod. Isnt this situation becoming a bit of
a habit down at Moorabin?î
Rod pauses. ñNo, not really Caro, after we let go Denis Pagan in Round
3, I really think weve moved forward as a clubƒand Kevin Sheedy clearly
was unsuitable during his 4-games at the helmƒI think this time were on
the right trackƒand we learnt some valuable lesson's from Leigh
Matthew's 6-week coaching stint. We're really looking ahead as a
unit...well go through the process and come out of it better peopleĔ
Retirement no. 2
Retirement no.3
Cheers,
Shags
(The entrant formerly known as Anthony Edmonds)
From: Cheryl Critchley
HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL
Danny maaaaaaate, we've come up with a sure-fire plan to make megabucks
out of Richo without trading him - we just get him to retire! Here's
the low-down:
NEXT MONDAY: We charge $200 a head entry to the tearful announcement to
be made over cocktails at the Chevron. Exclusive $500,000 deal with
Hello magazine for photos of Richo breaking the news to his teammates
earlier that day.
Then we wait a week or so and ... BRING HIM BACK OUT OF RETIREMENT SO WE
CAN DO IT ALL AGAIN WHEN HE REALLY DOES GO!!!
Waddya reckon?
Go Tigers,
From: David Phillips
Retirment. This is how it should be done.
It's Brownlow night and last years winner,Jason
Akermanis, is about to present this years medal when
he pauses, leans over to the microphone and says "I'd
like to take this opportunity to say this Saturdays
game will be my last. I'm quitting football." He then
brushes past the media throng, answers no questions,
and exits the back door and into a waiting limousine.
Akker breaks his silence on The Footy Show on thursday
night in a pre recorded interview with Ray Martin. He
cites "musical differences" as his reason for quitting
and announces he has signed a 10 year movie contract
with Warner Bros.
from dave phillips
From: stuart mcarthur
Dear Simon,
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
3AW FRIDAY
SATURDAY HERALD-SUN
SUNDAY
MONDAY AGE
TALKING FOOTY
Cheers Simon (I love the Tiges really)
Stuart McArthur
From: Dean Phelan
Kouta to Retire
In a bombshell announcement today, it has been revealed that Anthony Koutoufides is set to retire.
Following another setback in the round 17 game against Sydney, where Koutoufides again injured his troublesome knee, the all Australian champion has decided to call it quits.
And the news doesnt end there.
In what can only be described as treason, it has been revealed that Kouta will not entirely give football away. Following a chance meeting at Melbourne airport with Leeds united Manager Terry Venables, Kouta has been offered a massive contract to not only change code but to also change his citizenship.
In a complex deal reputeadly worth some $2,000,000 a year for 4 years, it is believed that Kouta will be given the opportunity to play alongside fellow Australian superstar Harry Kewell in Englands premier league. What is even more surprising is that the contract has been underwritten by the All England Athletic Club.
Details of the deal were jointly announced today via satellite conference by Lord Sebastian Coe and Venables.
Amid a flurry of questions it was revealed that Venables questioned the severity of the knee injury and argued that soccer players can rupture a medial ligament and be up and running within two minutes. ñThere are numerous examples of this every week on the pitchî he said.
As for Coe, participation in the events, he noted that of the 157 gold medals won so far by the Australians at the Commonwealth Games 149 of them have originated from defectors of eastern block countries. Lord Coe, cited Koutoufides youth form over every distance from the 110 metre hurdles to the 10,000 as being particularly impressive and he had no doubt that he would be an automatic selection for any event he wants at the next games to be held in Melbourne
Koutoufides was unavailable for comment as he is enroute to England, but Carlton president John Elliott is outraged over the situation. In a brief comment today he announced that, it was unfair that these other codes have an bottomless pit of money to spend on players and that the AFL has a lot to answer for by allowing these teams access to our great players and grounds.
By Dean Phelan
From: Greg & Sue Hoysted
Carlton Football and Cricket Social Club Media Release.
Greg Hoysted
From: tim gee
Dear Simon
Retirements usually end up in headlines and a few
select quotes from footballing luminaries. Find
following a few quotes from the aforementioned.
A long and diminished career that ended quite
uncharacteristically on a high - Ronald Dale Barassi
commenting upon Murray Whitcombe
A more uncoordinated and undisciplined player I have
never seen
The only player in a long time who had the uncanny
ability to lose the game off his own boot- Malcolm
Blight on Austin McCrabb
If his retirement is anything like his career, hell
be a walking domestic disaster
Slow, old and stupid. Thats how he looked when he
started and he went down hill from there
Four Coaches, six Captains and three Presidents could
not do what one indiscriminate coat hanger achieved
Its hard to imagine a player of his talent and
physique being drafted now, and thank goodness for
that
The old saying goes that the grass is more verdant on
the other side of the fence. Its just a pity that he
was on our side of the fence
I feel sorry for his friends and family, now they
have to attend for him on weekends
Some people choose to remain widows, we can only he
continues his career for his wifes sake.
May your socks rot.
Regards
Tim G
PS. Most footy players retire in country leagues with
a pat on the arse, a dicky banner and a gut full of
squirt. Ah, footy traditions, dont you just love
em.
=====
From: paul prole
Dear Simon,
A subject which I think is close to our hearts. Yes Frankie Peckett's retirement this coming October will be as voluntary as that of a long serving NAB Branch Manager. I believe the appropriate send off would be a DO! (or should that be DOH!) for himself and his supporters. I suggest A SPAG BOL NIGHT AT LEO'S in Fitzroy Street. No need to book! On the night have your chance to win a night for one to an intolerance zone of your choice anywhere in the St.Kilda precinct.
Regards,
Paul Prole
From: Ashley.Miles@bendigobank.com.au
Carlton - Lance Whitnall - holds a press conference with Jenny Craig and
announces his retirement from football to take up a position as the front
man for Jenny Craig.
He says that he will suffer less injuries and eat better.
Celebrations after his final game will feature a pie night with free beer
back at the club rooms.
Essendon - Dean Rioli - holds a press conference with Weight Watchers and
announces his retirement from football to take up a position as the front
man for them.
He says that it is purely a business decision as this is where he believes
his future lies.
Maurice Rioli will be cooking hamburgers at Windy Hill as part of the after
match celebrations.
Ash Miles
From: Maree Critchley
Dear Simon,
Its been a long time since I entered and its good to be back. As a
newly appointed ASO5 in the public service (Tonys favourite job) I
havent had the time required to come up with quality entries each
week. And it could be argued that I still dont have the time because
there aint no quality in the following entry!
Anyway, I was trying to think of a good way to send off Craig Bradley
but I couldnt because I dont think it is ever going to happen. I keep
thinking of the Goodies episode where they are concreted into their flat
and Graeme and Tim get older and older, but Bill Oddie comes out every
year on his birthday looking exactly the same. Bradleys still going to
be running out on to the ground when hes 80 looking exactly the same as
he does now.
That said, if he ever does retire Id like to see him chaired off the
ground by Matty Lappin Junior and Jack Silvagni. It will be that far
away.
Maree from Brunswick
From: David
Hi Simon
I think that the current method incorporated by players who retire midseason is quite adequate. That being
What more could a retiring player want ?
cheers
David Bean
From: David Mcniece
Player:Paul Salmon (Essendon)
From: Darrell Nash
Round 28 - 2011 St Kilda v Brisbane at Moorabin
Grant Thomas - in his 10th year of a 20 yr contract as coach conducts the press conference held at the Monash Medical centre.
Darrell Nash
From: LnnLuc@aol.com
Paul Lucas
RETIREMENT WEEK PROGRAM FOR RICHMOND'S PAUL HUDSON
!. MONDAY - PRESS CONFERENCE
Highlight: Tim Webster's insightful questions
(i) Was it hard having such a famous father?
2. SCAPEGOAT TUESDAY
With many board members facing re-election, the club will name the board members who wanted Huddo because "a player like Huddo is worth 30 to 40 goals from a forward pocket and that could be the difference between a Preliminary Final and Grand Final."
3. PLAINTIFF WEDNESDAY
Those zany guys from Slater and Gordon launch a class action suit against Huddo in which Hawthorn, Bulldog and Tiger fans seek compensation for mental cruelty and suffering.
4. FATHER-SON RULE THURSDAY
In recognition of his 134 games with Hawthorn, the Hawk fans present a petition to the AFL demanding the father-son rule requirement be raised to 135 games.
5. CLUB PROMO FRIDAY
Fulfilling club commitments until the end, Huddo takes a group of the touring Shaolin Monks and presents them with Tiger jumpers and shows them how to kick a football. In return, the monks show the Tiger players how to dodge membership tickets thrown at them by angry fans.
6. GAME DAY
(a) TRIBUTE BANNER: In a unique show of comradeship, the Hawk, Bulldog
and Tiger cheer squads prepare a banner for the 250 game veteran with the
following inspirational message "THANKS FOR 24 MEMORABLE AND
SENSATIONAL GAMES''.
(b) MEDAL PRESENTATION POST MATCH: Huddo to be presented with the Pitura
Medal, traditionally awarded to the most high profile recruit who makes the most
minimal impact on the Club. Huddo joins past winners such as Terry Wallace,
Richard Lounder & Steve O'Dwyer.
7. SO LONG SUNDAY
As a mark of respect, Danny personally pays for a farewell dinner to be held at Danny's house for Huddo. Unfortunately, due to Danny's performance based contract,
Danny is forced to replace the beef on a spit with jam sandwiches and cordial.
Paul Lucas
From: Glenn Rogers
The Big Fish finally calls it quits, again. The rigours of modern football
have taken their toll on both his body and his burgeoning media career. The
moment the retirement is announced the rumours commence.
The Fish is retiring only to avoid salary cap restriction. Under the new
Father Son ruling, a player who is now old enough to be his father when he
commenced playing can be recruited and the salary paid directly from the
Superannuation fund, thus avoiding the cap.
Joanna Griggs grills Salmon for seconds over these latest allegations. Bert
Newton, being crafty as ever, presents The Fish with the father of the years
award, and drops in a sly comment about Salmons off spring now being old
enough to play AFL. The Fish doesn't take the bait, perhaps Rex should have
posed the question..........
During a special edition of Backyard Blitz, the Salmon household gets a
complete garden make over. Goal posts are erected in the back corner (full
size) and again the bait is laid, "Hey, you're kid look about as old as you
when you started playing...." Close but no cigar.
Stavros also fails to get an answer, when he turns up for a Surprise Fathers
Day Special. However the truth of the retirement is just around the corner.
After avoiding eviction for three straight week on Celebrity Big Brother II,
Paul challenges Sarah Marie to a basketball match. While leading 17-16, Paul
is stunned to see Mike Munroe cheesy smile as he is handed the big purple
book.
Players past and present share their emotions during the first ever live
screening of This is your Life.
"We have a special guest for you tonight, someone you haven't seen for
sometime" announces Mike.
An American accent with a touch of Aussie is heard to say, "You can stand
guard for me any day". Out come Brian Gorgian in the new Sydney King's, or
should that be Sydney Fish uniform. Brian beams as he hands Paul a three
year contract to play for the latest NBA franchise.
You could spot it a mile away.
Glenn From Balmain
From: Mark Farrelly
Saturday 28 August 2004. It's a big day at the MCG . Round 22 and Richmond
is looking to beat Adelaide in order to register its12th win which might see
them into the finals for the first time since 2001. Adelaide sits on 12 wins
but with a slightly inferior percentage. Richmond coach Dennis Pagan, when
asked about the turn of events over the last 2 days, replies that " We'll
just worry about the things we can control and one thing we can control is
the outcome of this important match". He also graciously wishes Mathew
Knights well on this special day and insists that, regardless of the outcome
of events, it would be un-Richmond like to bear any ill will to a true
champion of the game.
The announcement is made and Mathew Knights enters the ground perched on top
of the seat of the topless BMW which proceeds to circle the ground as Mathew
bids his last formal farewell to the Richmond faithfull. It's been a long 2
years for Mathew. Was it really just yesterday that he had felt that huge
sense of vindication when the Full Bench of the Federal Court handed down
its ruling that the termination of his playing days in 2002 had not been a
genuine retirement but had in fact been a CONSTRUCTIVE DISMISSAL !
The Court ordered Mathew's immediate reinstatement and Mathew had of course
responded by announcing his immediate retirement - a retirement made ON HIS
OWN TERMS.
No one doubted Adelaide coach Rodney Eade's heartfelt comment that " he knew
how Mathew must have felt", but many thought that Rodney was overstepping
the mark when he suggested it was unfortunate that the AFL probably had no
real option other than to strip Richmond of points for its breaches of the
salary cap and playing list rules arising as a consequence of Mathew's
reinstatement.
Mark Farrelly
From: D Long
DEAR SIMON - I foresee a time in the near future when
Tina Arena buys her beloved Carlton Footy Club and renames
Optus Oval "the Tina Arena" (that joke thanks to an comp entrant earlier this year - I am glad you don't penalise people for lack of originality).
As such, she has no need for a stand named after her and wants to rename the Big Jack stand.
She waits for that extra special guy to retire - number 29.
Her speech:
Some players are recognised for kicking goals but the guy who really impresses me is the one who can set them up. And you, my friend, will always be remembered for setting up Matty Lappin in the goal square to put us in front with seconds to go. And so, we now officially remove the words "John Elliott" and unveil the "Umpire number 29 who went above and beyond the call of duty to give Matty Lappin a 50 metre penalty" stand.
Doug Long
From:
Dear Simon,
He is the only player to retire in 2 different eras he originally retired in the "old days" and will now retire in the era of the Big MOBILE Ruckman.
He has had so many trips around the MCG at the end of seasons, that we have had the opportunity to watchhis children grow up as they have made the obligatory car ride with him.
He has played in more farewell games than Tony Lenoard played games in his entire career, and made more comebacks than Larry Holmes.
Paul"the Fish" Salmon has made retirement and annual event.
Yeah when it comes to retirementI say go with experience.
Bob the Yank
From: David Phillips
Following the example set by our prime minister, Craig
Bradley declares he wil not play on after his 64th
birthday."It's a young mans game now " he says.
Some media cynics suggest when that time comes he may
just go one more season.
This week Scott McLaren will announce his retirement
claiming he has lost the motivation to be a "GOOD"
umpire, but will umpire out the season in the hope of
officiating in a Geelong final.
p.s. was he the guy who didn't pay Leigh Colberts mark
against that team in that final in that city and they
then won that flag?
dave phillips
From: "Treseder, Peter"
Simon,
Avoiding the temptation to be like many bitter and twisted entrants, I will
refrain from suggesting your retirement from the competition.
It took me a while but I came up with the following list of potential
retirees.
1. Rory Hilton
You might be seeing a trend here, but I am the James Bond of Richmond
supporters, bitter not twisted
Given my loyalties to the tigers and given my bitterness, I would like to
see Paul Salmon retire. Not only did he sink the tigers last week but I am
so sick of that smile he gives to team mates whenever he does something
good. It is that sickening smile of, "Not bad for an old bloke" or "See, I
might be pushing 40, but I still have ability"
On retirement he would recieve the following: (all perfect for the aged)
Keys to his new car, a white 1985 Toyota Crown
A thermos, cushion and matching rug for future visits to the footy as a
spectator
At the end, the guest of honour, Bernie Fraser, will present him with his
superannuation benefit.
Finally to round off the night in a way that would please me, as he is
leaving the function, Geoff Raines will run across his path totally smashing
his knee again, thus ensuring he will never return to the football field
again.
Peter Treseder
From: Travis Bull
This article appeared in the The Advertiser Tuesday Morning
"Bassett Case announces retirement"
Adelaide Player Scott Bassett last night announced his shock retirement from AFL football and the Port Adelaide Football Club effective immediately. The following statement was received from Player advocate Graham Cornes.
"Scott has decided to quit AFL football and the Port Adelaide Power effective immediately. Scott was sick and tired of playing a good game then picking up the paper on Monday only to read how he apparently "hounds" everyone, Scott felt he was not being appreciated for his talents, after all he doesn't even play as a tagger.
He also said a certain radio write-in competition which asked for Pun inspired headlines only made things worse. He said however the thing that really broke his spirit and hunger to play AFL was when he was watching Sports tonight and Tim Webster referred to him as Scott "Freud" Bassett"
From: Acacia Stirring Implement Faction
Player: Sir Craig.
Event: Round 22 2002.
Background: 2002 heralds an end of an era for the once-mighty BOMBERS. One premiership from a four year window.
Scene: A depleted Bomber line-up must win the final round to be the first team to win the premiership from 8th.
Enter Braddles... Though age shall not weary him, external factors see him declare that today's game shall be his last (darn match committee!)
A best-on-ground 28 possession effort, including a match sealing goal resulting from a dash from 70 metres around the boundary line (c1995).
Result: Bombers miss the 8. Bradley rates it as the fourth best win of career, after 1999 PF and 2 GFs.
Conclusion: Blues miss the spoon on percentage.
Well, a guy can dream can't he?
Regards,
Acacia-Stirring-Implement Faction (ASIF).
Peter Cox (founder)
From: mh@seafordps.vic.edu.au
Simon,
After David Mensch plays his last game for the Geelong Football Club in VFL this year there will be a ceremony, a cleansing!
Like the death of a viking warrior there will be a ceremonial burning of his number 31 jumper and football boots! These items will be placed on a raft and pushed towards Corio Bay by the committee man and recruiting Officer responsible for getting him to the club. The flame that will light the jumper and boots will be passed from supporter to supporter and placed on the pyre by the previous wearer of the number 31 jumper!
In time the name Mensch will join Cat Mythology and be spoken of only in hushed tones with other names including Jamie Lamb, Marty McKinnion, Austin McCrabbe, Darren Morgan, Stephen Handley, Darren Forrsman and Gary Ayres!
Hassa from Beaumaris
From: John Walker
Hi
The Sunday morning in 2002 after the Brisbane Lions have just won back to back flags, beating Collingwood by a point.
Collingwood had been in front all day when in the dying moments of the game Martin Pike dived and knocked the ball in from close to the bounday line in the Brisbane Lions forward pocket, replays show that it "may" have been out. The ball went to the goal sqaure where Alistair Lynch who was caught behind Shane Wakelin was somehow able to get in front of the falling Wakelin, replays show that he "may" have caught Wakelin high and in the back. Lynchy was then able to get boot to ball for a snap over his shoulder right on the siren, replays show that the ball "may" have gone over the post and according to the snickometer testing done on the replays by sound expert Eddie Maguire, the kick "may" have been just after the siren.
The shock retirement announcement came from St. Kilda's 2002 Brownlow Medallist, multi-media award winner and out of contract Nick Riewoldt. Speaking on a satellite hookup from Brisbane in his new maroon, gold and blue Ferrari, number plate " Young Lions" (it's his favourite TV show), Nick said he was devastated that his carrer had been cut short with the bottom of the table finishing Saints. He had been struck down by the debilitating condition of OseitisBrisbanitits and that he had returned to Brisbane on the best medical advice from his mum.
Nick was quite overcome with emotion during the satellite hook-up and was unable to speak as he pulled up outside a new rehabilitation and apartment block, 200 metres from the Brisbane GPO that the Brisbane Lions were making available to the young footballer. Lions coach Leigh Matthews who happened to be at the new apartment along with the Brisbane City Council to greet the shocked Reiwoldt said that, "It was the least they could do for a quality young man".
When coach Matthews was pressed about the possibility of Reiwoldt returning to the top level under an obscure clause in the fourth round draft pick rule about "..retired due to injury, out of contract, returned home on mums medical advice and living within 300 metres of the GPO", said, "it was much too early to say and they would leave any such decision up to Nick while he was recuperating in Brisbane and they had a five year lease on the apartment and Ferrari anyway".
St. Kilda President Rod Butters, speaking from a suit supplier and tanning salon in St. Kilda wished the young player a speedy recovery and reminded fans he would be seeking re-election on the successful platform of "expect the unexpected".
Regards
From: KyselaO
Si
Mr Wilson
No-one has the right to pursue a career first and then have AFL football to
fall back on as a 29 year old. That is "contempt" of the highest order to
those of us that were told we weren't good enough at 16. Too old. Too
slow. When you are 30, performance and contribution is irrelevant - he is
selfishly occupying the spot of a 17 year-old who won't grow, drinks 8 Greg
Dears a night, is bounced out of King Street nightclubs (which isn't easy,
they tell me), plays 3 games, and becomes a subject of Julian's scrutiny
within 3 years. No press conference deserved. News won't reach Eastern
States for 2 years until someone asks, "Is Wilson injured", and when told of
the news, backs up with "Really? When?"
Troy, if you are reading this, you are a fine player, and much stronger than
I am.
Oliver Kysela
Good luck to my old Yarra Valley teammates against Bentleigh today,
especially the mercurial Coodabeen contributor Matt Laing - Peter
Vardyesque.
Oliver Kysela
Coach calls player in for a quick one on one.
He highlights the need for constant coefficients, moves onto second order differentials and concludes with a separable equation. Coach disappears, player scratches head and searches for manager's mobile number.
Club and player organise a 5 minute press conference, which only advises you to watch the highest bidding sports show for the exclusive player interview.
Football commentators hold a sixty-minute debate from a studio lounge suite. Public opinion via Internet, SMS and 1900 number polls, will be reflected by a worm graph along the bottom of the screen.
Past and present committeemen, coaches and players, reflect on many famous and mischievous moments in the players past, hosted of course in thenever a dull moment fashion of a "roast".
Clubbies, family, friends and supporters gather under a giant marquee erected in the middle of the clubs "home ground". For a$100 a head Beer 'n Beef pie night, featuringplayer footage, from many previously unseen clubtapes on the plethora of mega screens.
A traditional Saturday afternoon match day, with the team being lead onto the ground byan open roofed London double-decker bus. Upstairs we have player, wife, kids, relatives, family pets and of course a brass band.Downstairs seats were all auctioned off at Farewell Fridays pie night to loyal supporters and press.
Date: Mon Jul 29, 2002 11:59:28 AM Australia/Melbourne
A: Our fans are embarrassing us by using their membership tickets for free public transport rather than going to a game, due to sympathetic inspectors we are having to foot the bills!
B: We have overpaid some of the players and they are refusing to pay back the difference which is disappointing.
C: The main reason is that is the fans don't turn up then why should we!
Reporter: Is money the greatest problem?
Casey: Yes and the worst part is the 'Roar meter' is costing us money at each game and not living up to % quota.
Reporter: Why is that Clinton?
Casey: Well the minimum requirement is 25% and we don't have enough supporters in the stand for it to attain that level.
Reporter: To Danny, are you disappointed?
Frawley: Look, yeah,na it is disappointing you could say that.
Reporter: Danny are the players disheartened by this?
Frawley: yeah, na the players are obviously disheartened but you have to get some positives out of it and to that end they've been triffic.
Reporter: In what way Danny are there positives?
Frawley: Yeah, na look there are some young enough to move on and Richo is going back to high school to get the vce he never had a chance to get and that's a positive for him also the money we save from the 'roar meter' is going into the trip fund for a last hurrah.
Reporter: Where will it be Danny?
Frawley: Yeah, na its at my place in Ballarat and it will cover my lack of performance based payments!
Reporter: Any final hurrah planned?
Casey: Well we were going to have a big party but the fans got in first and are holding their own!
Yarra Valley old Boys
Date: Mon Jul 29, 2002 09:03:36 PM Australia/Melbourne
Date: Tue Jul 30, 2002 12:05:48 PM Australia/Melbourne
MEMO: To Danny Frawley
FROM: RFC marketing department
THURSDAY: Hold a $1600 a head black tie farewell dinner at the Crown
Palladium hosted by baby John Burgess and Annette Allison.
FRIDAY: For the plebs we'll have a family day at only $50 a head - and
chuck in a free sausage.
SATURDAY, GAMEDAY: Collect limited edition last game jumpers - we can
flog 120 at $2000 a pop if he changes one every minute.
-We'll also collect for auction his undies, socks, shoes, mouthguard,
blood, sweat and bandages (ensure he gets bandaged from head to toe for
maximum return).
-Limited edition of 500,000 exclusive framed photos taken during the
game at only $5000 each.
-(Before the game we'll cover the ground with instant turf, to be cut up
and sold as $1500 framed mementoes).
SATURDAY NIGHT: Telethon hosted by Bono and Bob Geldoff to auction
merchandise including Richo back scratchers, woven place mats, snow
domes, china plates, tea towels, toothpick holders, spoons and shell
portraits.
Cheryl Critchley.
Date: Tue Jul 30, 2002 12:44:13 AM Australia/Melbourne
Akker lies low until the big game.
Grand Final day, Human Nature have finished the
national anthem, it's time for footy.The players are
on the ground. The ball is bounced, the crowd roars,
but Where's Akker??? At the 1 minute mark BANG!
flashpots and fireworks explode in front of the
players race, and Akker races on to the arena in a
gold sequined tracksuit says "HELLO" to his fans and
goes about his business like a pro.
Akker plays a blinder, races from half back has 4
bounces, kicks a torp from inside the centre square
and puts the Lions in front for the first time with
just over a minute to go. He blows kisses to the
crowd, does his trademark somersault and runs sraight
off the ground out the back gate and into a waiting
limousine. The siren sounds, Brisbane wins and over
the PA Craig Willis says "Akker has now left the
building."
Date: Tue Jul 30, 2002 12:28:00 PM Australia/Melbourne
Frawley: Yeah, no, Knighta's retirement gave us a percentage-boosting loss last week, which we aim to repeat this week by retiring Brad Ottens.
Ottens: Well I thought I had another twenty years in me, but it's been a while since the boys had a chance to string two narrow losses together.......
Sheedy: If they're getting rid of Ottens, yeah we might have a look at him.
Walls: I have a lot of time for Brad Ottens but I think Brad's done the right thing. He would've been disappointed the way his form's gone pear-shaped.
Talk-back callers express their disgust at Sam Newman pouring a tin of pears over Footy Show guest Brad Ottens.
Front page photo of Ottens with suitcase, glumly eating a pie floater as he studies the Qantas Adelaide flight schedule.
Headline: HUMBLE PIE FLOATER FOR OTTENS
Richmond banner:
TIGERS - GIVE IT A SHOT!
NARROWLY LOSE FOR THE OT!
OTTENS B.O.G. IN TIGERS 2-POINT LOSS
Percentage approaches 80.
Frawley: Yeah no Caro, there's still four games left and we haven't retired Fiora, Coughlan, or the Kellaways yet. A percentage of 82 is still mathematically possible.
Date: Tue Jul 30, 2002 05:45:24 PM Australia/Melbourne
President John Elliott today slammed the ACB, VCA and all associated
cricket bodies following the premature retirement of 19 year old Carlton
player Jarrad (son of Vin) Waite.
In a blistering attack, Elliott condemned the continued encroachment of
cricket into the football year.
Elliott stated, "We used to be able to get these kids and develop them
all year round, but nowadays with cricket trying to take the spotlight
for at least 3 weeks a year, we don't seem to be holding onto the boys
as we did in the past."
His rage was sparked by the decision by Waite, who retired because he
could no longer devote himself to pre-season training in October. (Waite
has a commitment to play seconds cricket for the Panthers C.C. in the
Benalla & District Cricket Association.)
Elliott threatened legal action against any cricket body that had the
temerity to demand the use of a football ground during the vital AFL
pre-season (October to March) in retaliation for the loss of Waite.
Waite will play out the season for Carlton, but is expected to be
dropped from the successful VFL side to the AFL wooden spooners elect as
punishment for his actions.
Date: Wed Jul 31, 2002 01:00:15 PM Australia/Melbourne
Tim Goddard
Date: Wed Jul 31, 2002 03:30:49 PM Australia/Melbourne
Date: Wed Jul 31, 2002 05:42:22 PM Australia/Melbourne
Date: Wed Jul 31, 2002 08:52:56 PM Australia/Melbourne
1/ Player announces retirement early in week
2/ Newspapers immediately do feature articles
3/ Radio sports shows sing his praises maybe do an interview
4/ Player appears on The Footy Show
5/ Player gets cheered off at final training season
6/ Big build up to final game
7/ Plays game and does his lap of honour..........
IT IS HERE THAT I THINK WHAT IS MISSING SHOULD BE INCORPORATED................
At the conclusion of his lap of honour there is a fanfare played over the public address system and onto the playing arena comes BERNIE FRASER.
Bernie goes up to the retiring player and hands him an envelope. The player
opens the envelope to find inside ...............his superannuation cheque.
Over come with joy, the player and Bernie have a great big hug then the rest
of the players lift them both up and carry them on their shoulders off the
arena.
Date: Thu Aug 01, 2002 11:47:57 AM Australia/Melbourne
Press Conference for Retirement Announcement and coincidental book launch
@: Delish Fish (Also coinciding with Rex Hunt's book launch at the same
venue 50 minutes later)
Paul Salmon will be touring Victorian fishing spots/trout farms/aquariums
and local footy clubs, with Rex Hunt to jointly publicise their joint book
launches, to bring the fisheries aspect home to all budding junior anglers.
Autograph sessions and complimentary Australian Fish Bites to all kids
under 25 as "Fish Tales Volume 8" is spruiked with live crosses every
Thursday from The Club on Channel 7 to a local footy club where the tour is
currently at.
Finally to cap-off the Retirement, as Paul Salmon is 37, he will fight
Anthony Mundine at Colonial Stadium (Just breaking into Mundine's preferred
opponents age bracket) with all proceeds above Mundine's $250k purse being
donated to the Paul Salmon Testimonial Fund (after Ian Collins has taken
out his $1 mil for staging the event,of course).
"We are here today to celebrate the career of Jason Cripps who is to play his 100th game for the club (practice & pre-season games included) and to announce his retirement. Whilst he is still only 36 and fully recovered from the three hamstring transplants the Management Team, and the supporter internet poll, has deemed it is time to retire. This match was chosen as we acknowledge Nick Riewoldt's 250th, a shame it is with Brisbane. Perhaps it was a mistake to clear him in 2003 but we felt Cripps could step up and cover his abscence and that Merrett, Starcevich & Champion could offer some leadership after coming out of retirement. The important thing is that we went through THE PROCESS and there was a lot of personal growth and empathy generated in the leadership group which will hold us in good stead for when the likes of Justin Peckett reaches the end. With Jason retiring it also gives us greater flexibility in our medical salary cap and wecan treat some of those annoying injuries which keep us from being a successful team. Well done Jason."
"Thanks Thommo."
(ii) Did you consider becoming an actor like him?
(iii) Did you ever gett to meet Doris Day
Date: Thu Aug 01, 2002 03:12:40 PM Australia/Melbourne
Date: Thu Aug 01, 2002 03:37:56 PM Australia/Melbourne
Date: Thu Aug 01, 2002 05:16:33 PM Australia/Melbourne
Retirement - I say go with experience when it comes to retirement, have a look a Paul Salmon. When he retires this year he will have retired from more clubs than most players have played for.
Must be some type of record (maybe Bondy could have a look at this) by my calculations the Fish has retired 3 timesfrom 2 different clubs, and 4 times from 3 different T.V.SportsShows.
Reasons abound forSalmon bowing out of the gamehe has
Retired Hurt
For Personal Reasons
Not Committed
Incapable of Performing to an acceptable standard
Family Commitments
Time to Move onin Life
Media Commitments were taking too much of his time.
Wanted to Play but unable to train
Date: Fri Aug 02, 2002 12:01:42 AM Australia/Melbourne
Date: Fri Aug 02, 2002 10:40:18 AM Australia/Melbourne
2. Darren Gaspar
3. Duncan Kellaway
4. Matthew Rodgers
A hat to be placed on the back shelf of the car
A box of tissues, also to be placed on the back shelf of the car
A new TV, permanently tuned to the ABC
A Stan Zemanik baseball cap and mug
An invitation to address the local school about how things were so much
tougher when he was at school
A subliminal tape containing the following sayings
All over the place like a mad woman's breakfast
As tough as a robber's dog
Six to one, half a dozen to the other
plus many more that can't be printed due to time constraints
$5 of credits to his local pokie venue
A jacket with leather patches on the elbows
A model train set
Date: Fri Aug 02, 2002 10:53:36 AM Australia/Melbourne
Date: Fri Aug 02, 2002 12:32:23 PM Australia/Melbourne
Date: Sat Aug 03, 2002 05:40:47 AM Australia/Melbourne
Date: Fri Aug 02, 2002 06:03:23 PM Australia/Melbourne
John Walker
Date: Fri Aug 02, 2002 06:20:24 PM Australia/Melbourne