From: Cheryl Harvey
Set the scene: Boardroom, Kerry Packer and football consortium execs.
Whiteboard with Packer's plan entitled "Viva Las Football"
Kerry snarls at board about the footy being too predictable and boring and
points to whiteboard outlining the new plan.
1. New venue: The M C Grand: Kerry reckons all his greatest moments have come at the gambling tables in Las Vegas so we'll turn the MCG into the greatest gambling house in Australia. Lights, dancing girls, all security guards to dress in toga's and a free $10 gambling chip for every patron that enters. Rooms avalable at half time for black jack, roulette etc. 50% to go to the struggling clubs salary caps.
2. McGuire OUT, Jack Elliott IN as host of Friday Night blockbusters, he's to be given an ashtray and have an unlimited supply of red and should take care of the totally unbiased, boring view of the game!
3. Essendon; too successful; get rid of Sheedy and James Packer to take his place; major sponsor will be a revamped One Tel; should only take a year or so before they are broke and wallowing as the cellar dwellers of the league enabling someone else to take over as top dog.
4.Don King to take over the image of the languishing clubs in Fremantle, Kangaroos, Bulldogs and St Kilda..any margins more than 50 points at half time will see the football replaced with a new version of TV Ringside with patrons able to take on the strong men of the teams.
And lastly the tribunal to become a weekly quiz show with Red Symons called Shafted with the winner able to decide the fate and suspensions of the others to his own teams advantage.
Cheryl Harvey
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 2002 17:13:27 +1000
My idea is that all uninjured players are to assemble at the MCG by 3pm
Wednesday, every week.
The coaches then will draw straws to see in which order they are to pick their
player, the coach with the longest straw goes first right down to the shortest
straw who will have last pick.
When every coach has their first player they then pick again in order until the
have filled all positions in their team.
When they have their team they then pick their captain and vice-captain. They
train Thursday night together and then play their games.
The following week the procedure begins all over again.
Debbie
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 2002 22:46:58 +1000
Dear Simon
Big John from Leopold
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 2002 20:48:47 +1000
The only way to fix this season?
Add Australia's world conquering record breaking superlative attracting
cricket team to the league. It will also give a chance for players who should
have been given a national cap (Jamie Cox et al) to get a regular guernsey
playing for the team. And as yet no one has taken the Green and Gold as club
colours, and Kerry Pcker has a history with these boys. Steve Waugh could come
back into the side as an inspiring Craig Bradley style leader....
Andrew MacLaughlin
Date: Mon, 08 Apr 2002 09:00:33 +1000
Dear Coodabeens,
Topless Goal Umpires
Peter O'Sullivan
Date: Mon, 08 Apr 2002 13:52:14 +1000
It has long been the norm for Australian commercial TV stations for ideas to
be borrowed, revamped or even out-right stolen. With this in mind I propose
that Channel 9 set up similar version of Channel 7's "The Club".
However, Channel 9's program will also take much of the concepts from many
of the other "reality" programs including Channel 10's "Big Brother" and 9's
own "Survivor Australia".
The program will be known as "The Big Club: Kerry is Watching" The club in
question will the Carlton Football Club.
Watch every day a half hour highlights package hosted by a gleeful Eddie
Maguire (no conflicts of interest here) as the Blues are put through their
paces. Cameras will be set up everywhere within the confines of PBL Park
(formally Optus Oval) and all players will have to bunk down in the social
club. Follow the trials and tribulations as the Carlton Football Club faces
its most daunting season in recent history!
Will Lance W lose the weight, will John E patch things up with Amanda, is
the mole Corey M???
Every week the viewers will vote on who will play (ie: who will be given
immunity) and who will be dropped. This will depend on the players
completing challenges every week at Training and during the previous weeks'
matches. Such challenges will include keeping the opposition's forward to 5
goals (will the viewers vote off Glenn M this week?).
Furthermore there will be special audience participation will occur through
out the year they will include:
* What is Anthony K's best position?
There will also be an "Adults Only" or "Saucy" version once a week that
details all the more raunchy aspects of the Carlton footy club (this episode
to be hosted by Sam Newman). This will be shown as a lead in to the Footy
Show.
Finally, a TV show that goes beyond the clich's and allows the viewer to see
the way a footy club is really run!!!
Kevin Hoey
Date: Mon, 08 Apr 2002 14:24:14 +1000
For all but Brisbane & Essendon supporters this season is the race to see who
gets to be thrashed in the preliminary final. (thankfully it seems the Blues
may be spared this "honour") To keep telecasts interesting I feel Mr Packer
will be forced to resort to the saviour of all desperate TV programmers - the
CROSS PROMOTION. As such Friday nights will now contain the following:
Jamie Durie and his backyard Blitz team transform the much maligned Colonial
foward pocket into a stunning Japenese styled courtyard garden complete with
ornamenal paving, a retaining wall and the obligatory water feature. With
channel 10 having discarded the countdown clock, Channel 9 will take this
opportunity to present two clocks, one showing how long left in the quarter and
the other showing how long Jamie & his team have to complete their project.
Eddie McGuire - (just in case he needs more to do) - will present a special
half time addition of Who Wants to Be a Premiership Coach - "tonight in the
hot seat we have Grant from Moorabbin who is risking 2 priority draft picks and
a second string ruckman for the chance to win an extra $200,000 on his salary
cap, new training facilities and an up and coming centre half forward, he has
already used his lifelines including his phone a friend where he was ably
assisted by good friend Rod B"
All possible trial by video incidents will be referred The Stingers Crew who
will go undercover into the rooms to ascertain the truth behind each incident
and lay charges accordingly.
All post match coaches press conferences will be undertaken by Ray Martin in a
special one hour presentation of Top Blokes and Bonza Coaches. "Spud Frawley,
potato farmer from Bungaree, a top Aussie, a top bloke, all round good guy etc
etc etc"
Celebrity chef Gabriel Gate presents at quarter time A Journey through the Food
Court - teaching you how to bring the tastes of Colonial stadium to your lounge
room in the time it takes for one ad break. In keeping with the colonial food
court this ongoing series will cover every possible area of World Cuisine from
Asian delacacies to West African curries.
Cheers,
Evan Butterworth
Date: Mon, 08 Apr 2002 15:42:35 +1000
PBL and Kerry Packer buy into some sort of sponsorship arrangement with
Tattersalls in a move designed to even up the season. The arrangement only
affects the Essendon and Brisbane teams. All other teams are exempt. Each
week the tattslotto numbers drawn out which corresponds with player numbers
are not allowed to play for the next round. For example, if the tattslotto
numbers are 5, 18, 14, 2, 32 and 31. Then Hird, Lloyd, Jason Johnson,
Mercuri, Blumfield and Fletcher must sit out the next round. Supplementary
numbers are allowed to play only half a game and ...wait for it... the
powerball number must play for the opposite team. Again if St. Kilda is
playing Essendon and number 5 is the powerball number then James will line
up next to Banger for the Sainters. That should even up the competition.
Regards
Brendan O"Brien
Date: Mon, 08 Apr 2002 15:47:48 +1000
To Rod and Derek (with the ponytail) at PBL Marketing
Rod ( how's the p-car going )
Past ya this idea
Here at Acne Advertsing
we see a new vision for Footy ! It has to be interactive and oh so 00's
WE must reduce the amount of plain English and go for the new speak
No more talk of Fans : every Club needs more VIEWERS
We want people to stay away from the game and VIEW it somewhere else
every TV should be on !
Be A VIEWER for your CLUB not just a watcher
Football is now FO-bal or just FO
check out :
Each player has a mo-pho ( that's mobile phone to anyone over 26)
Each player has a theme tune and every time they touch the ball : a bit of
techno /hip hop/ grunge music over the broadcast for the VIEWERS
VIEWERS VOTE
We will have 30 second updates during the breaks ( sponsored by a really
cool happening communications company : ask one of the packer boys they'll
know its name)
VIEWERS can VOTE one player off from the opposition BUT the other team's
player with the same jumper number has to leave also (1900 phone calls will
pay for my fee)
This will help with the new FO-RO ( new name for the footy record) sales
for the FO VIEWER will need to check the # of each player
By making the business ( sorry ) game more TODAY
we will capture the new market of VIEWERS
cu
brky
ps can we work in some virtual reality kick to kick on the G after the game
Gee I miss that !
Gary Bourke
Date: Mon, 08 Apr 2002 16:09:50 +1000
For some time now I have been developing a new scoring system for AFL games.
Now that ratings need a boost my new system will answer some of the problems
for the new consortium.
"Winning" the game 1 point i.e. the highest
score at 'full time'.
For each quarter won. 3 Points
Winning the "Premiership" quarter (quarter 3). 2 points for
Premiership quarter points are tallied separately throughout the year.
Sides who do not qualify for the Premiership but who have accrued more
"Premiership Quarter Points" than either of the Grandfinalists can then
replace that team in the Grand Final using their Premiership Quarter Points
as a Wild Card entry.
Therefore round 2 clash between Richmond and Essendon would see Richmond
receiving 8 points and Essendon 7.
Teams would inevitably put all efforts into making sure that they won the
third quarter. We would see some fantastic third quarter clashes that could
be beautifully organised into a thirty minute package, able to be shown at
almost any time slot available to the networks.
Keep On Punching!!
Geoff Hayhow
Date: Tue, 09 Apr 2002 11:29:01 +1000
Hi Simon
I thinks that there is a very easy way to even up the competition and
put some life back into it.
As usual the two teams run out onto the ground and go through their warmups. At
the appropriate time the two captains go to the centre and
toss the coin while the rest of the players line up along one of the lines
of the centre square. The captain who wins the toss gets first pick a la
primary school football and the teams are selected.
This has some interesting off shoots
1/ We can have TAB betting or perhaps a viewer phone-in poll on who will
be first and last pick.
2/ Some commentary may go like this
EDDIE : Well Dermot I don't know what James Hird is doing . So far he has
only picked mid fielders and two full forwards !
DERMOT : Your right Eddie. He desperately needs some talls and theres
not much left !
3/ After the teams have been selected we would have the traditional "jumper and
shorts swap" for the ones who now find themselves playing for the oppostion.
This would be very funny if Gary Moorecroft tried to exchange with Spider
Burton.
4/ There would also be the increased merchandising opportunity as supporters
race to buy a new jumper as there favourite player is with the opposition for
the day.
all in all it should make for a close game which will keep Kerry Packer
happy.
Cheers
David Bean
Date: Tue, 09 Apr 2002 16:20:02 +1000
DEAR SIMON,
Channel 9 are doing okay at present. There are two teams
which look
invincible. They now need to build the suspense for a while and then find
one team to beat the Bombers and another to topple the Lions.
The Bombers are a pretty easy proposition, really. You yourself personally
stated (around this time last year), 2The Bombers are GONE!'
And sure enough, with five minutes to go in the Grand Final, they were GONE.
The only reason Essendon win most games is by getting players in free space.
So all Nine would need to do is change the game to make each player stay in
his position and play on his man. This would rate through the roof with the
older generation. They could see two players oppose each other all day and
fight for the ball just like the good old days. No flooding; no ugly packs!
And there would ALWAYS be someone standing next to Misiti!
But this method would not beat the Lions because they actually do have good
players. Channel 9 needs to listen to the words of the great man Leigh
Mathews himself to find the solution. Lethal keeps referring to 2Scoreboard
Pressure'. This is the secret to beating the Lions. Each Lions player would
be forced to carry around a scoreboard on his back. The weight of each
scoreboard would be determined by the VRC handicapper. Early on in the
season, the Lions could be "weighted to win^' and would be 2good things'. But
as the weeks go by, the handicapper could increase the weights. Eventually,
the Scoreboard Pressure would become too much and Brisbane would get rolled.
And especially timed for a ratings period, too!
And just to top it all off, they could have some mindless competition (with
a 1900 phone number) which Eddie would, of course, be allowed to enter.
Doug Long
Date: Tue, 09 Apr 2002 23:53:22 -0500
MEMO: PBL Bosses
Go (hopeless!) Tigers
Date: Tue, 09 Apr 2002 11:51:23 +0000
What would Kerry do? A question I often ask myself.
In this instance Kerry would understand that Youth Youth Youth is the
answer, and would call in Jamie and tell him "it's yours son".
Jamie would get together with a couple of his old private school mates and
after a bit of beer brainstorming they would pull out the tried and true
"Business for Fun and Profit Planner" (The business Oujie Board), and lo and
behold look what they came up with.
1. NAME CHANGE - OneAFL.com
"There you go Dad 5 easy pieces to football success"
"Thanks Son"
Bob the Yank
Date: Tue, 09 Apr 2002 23:09:42 +1000
Dear Coodabeens,
Bernie Bottoms
AFL: PACKER PROMISES PURGE
CHANNEL 9 boss and new
AFL supremo Kerrie Packer
last night promised to come
down hard on teams that 'just
aren't measuring up' in the
harsh world of TV ratings.
In an unprecedented move to
combat rapidly falling ratings
in their weekly footy
coverage, Mr Packer
announced at a packed media
conference at the home of
football -Channel 9, the
immediate introduction of an
'culling system' that will see
two teams from the lowest
rating game each week
dropped from the season's
national competition.
While Mr Packer remained
coy about further details,
Herald Sun sources close to
the media and football baron
believe the 'culling' will be
announced live each Thursday
night on Channel 9's Footy
Show in a segment reputedly
to be titled 'The Big Kick-
out' or 'Giving the Flick Pass'
Sources say in addition to the
announcement, viewers will
have the opportunity to enter a
weekly competition to pick the
two teams to be culled.
Following the shock
announcement club officials
remained tight lipped.
But Magpie chief Eddie
Maguire was in no doubt of
his team's enduring popularity
no matter how bad they played
while spunky Hawthorn
spokesman Shane Crawford
was decidedly upbeat. 'We'll
be okay,' the Hawk skipper
told reporters. 'We've got a
bunch of good looking blokes
the girls love to watch on
telly. ..that has to be good for
our ratings. ..win or lose, we'll
be a survivor.
Responding to a comment by
ABC sports commentator Tim
Lane about the new AFL
chiefs obvious conflict of
interest in the whole business,
Mr Packer concluded the press
conference with the parting
barb 'conflict. ..what rubbish,
footy's now simply a question
of ratings and therefore I'll
just say this. ..may the most
popular team win. ,
By Bernard Bottoms
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 09:01:58 +1000
Hi Guys,
Being a resident of Sydney, or as it is known "Pricetown", AFL coverage is
all the talk.
I believe that Nine, Ten and Fox should show absolutely no live footy. Every
game should be broadcast at least two hours after the completion of the
match. With the delayed telecast they can introduce their new camera angles
and nifty stats & stuff.
The camera will now be mounted in the centre of the ground pointing towards
the crowd. There will be "boundary riders" who will offer close ups of the
supporters. Mini Cams will also be mounted at the turnstiles and bars for
pre match and quarter time coverage.
The nifty stats will offer viewer of the replay the names, age and address
of each person in the crowd; which team they support and where they are a
paid member, how many games they have been to during the season, what time
they left the ground during a heavy defeat. The level of information
available to the viewer will be enormous.
How does this all work?
Crowds will increase because everybody will go to the game knowing they have
a better chance of get themselves on television.
Then everyone who was at the game will rush home to see themselves on telly.
Those who weren't at the game will be able to suss out their mates and ever
blonde who went to the match. Nine have been trialling this at the cricket
for years.....
Good to be back.
Glenn from Newport via Balmain (go Tigers)
Date: Tue, 09 Apr 2002 23:04:10 +0000
Instead of trying to revamp footy channel nine in true channel nine style
have decided to Revamp there whole programming (ie. cancel their coverage of
footy altogether). What do the people love about channel 9. Yep that's right
they love Eddie. So Kerry has decided to do what all great coaches do and
throw Eddie onto the ball with his very own Edathon. Yes that's right 24
hours of non stop Eddie. Below is the Friday Junes 21st program guide.
Enjoy!
CHANNEL NINE MELBOURNE
7:00 Today - With Eddie Maguire & a very small contribution by Tracey
Grimshaw & Monty
9:00 Hi-5 - Join Eddie, Bucks and the team as they sing and dance there way
through the pre-school half hour
9:30 Blue's Clues - Eddie and Blue run around solving the mystery of
carlton's form slump
10:00 Pacific Drive - Eddie takes us on a guided tour of his home town of
toorak
10:30 Fresh - Join Eddie Maguire as he cooks up a storm
11:00 National Nine Morning News Join Eddie as he gives world issues the
footy show treatment
11:30 Edtertainment Tonight - Looks at the medioric rise of Eddie
12:00 Days of Eds Lives - Documentary of Eddies day to day life as a channel
nine celeb
1:00 The Young and the Edless - Drama depicting Eddie Maguire growing up in
broadmeadows and his love for Collingwood
2:00 The Club(Movie 2002) - Controversial remake of David Williamsons play.
All characters played by Eddie Maguire except for a Cameo by Renee Kink
4:00 Y? - Eddie the scientist explains to school kids what's so special
about his own DNA what really makes him a star
4:30 Head of the Class - Early 80's show with Eddie superimposed in
background
5:00 The Fresh Prince of Broad -ie - The story of Eddie
5:30 Celebrity pass the Buck - Eddie joins Baby John for a half hour game
show featuring all AFL presidents
6:00 National Nine News with Eddie Maguire as host
6:30 A Current Affair investigates the one of the greatest most influential
people of our time.
7:00 Shafted - Join Ed as he hosts the new game show, with special guests
contestants, Tim, Caro & Jason
7:30 Ed
8:30 E.R.- Eddie Revisited highlights from todays Edathon
9:30 The Best bits of Eddie on the Footy Show-Hosted by Eddie M
10:00 True Stories - Eddie (the little aussie battler that made good)
[11:15pm] Nightlife - Hosted by E Maguire
[11:45pm] Barbara Walters Special - Eddie Maguire the myth the man
[0:45am] The Best bits of Eddie on the Footy Show Repeat
[2:15am] Late Show with David Letterman - With Fill in host E Maguire
[3:10am] The Ananda Lewis Show - Telemarketing with special guest E. Maguire
[4:00 am] Highlights and wrap of todays event and how to vote for Eddie to
get the gold logie Hosted by Eddie Maguire
Cheers
Entry By: Travis Bull
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 10:44:46 +1000
In an attempt to ensure a ratings bonanza for the 2002 AFL season the League
needs to embrace to concept of Reality TV. As well as televised matches, there
could be a weekly special called "Temptation Area" in which a club's male fans
are all locked into the MCG and their wives/girlfriends are all locked into
Colonial. They are then shown a varity of temptations and are asked to choose
between their club and their spouse. Gripping!!!!!
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 11:59:27 +1000
Dear Simon,
Footy for this season is indeed shot with Essendon and Brisbane guaranteed to
play off in the Grand Final.
There is only one thing for Kerry to do to maintain some interest for the rest
of the season.
He has to resurrect a form of World Series Cricket!
Essendon will be known as THE SOUTHERNERS.
The best 44 players from the other 14 teams will be formed in to two teams
known as THE REST #1 and THE REST #2.
Each week THE SOUTHERNERS and THE NORTHENERS will alternate in playing THE REST
#1 and THE REST #2.
Come the Grand Final all the results will be declared null and void and THE
SOUTHERNERS and THE NORTHENERS will play off for the premiership.
Regards,
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 13:10:17 +1000
Step 1. Buy the tv rights
Itch scratched, problem solved.
regards
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 15:05:03 +1000
Hi guys,
One way to make sure that ratings are high are to bring back some of the past
big names.
While at the Collingwood and Eagles game last week, we watched as Tuddy - (Des,
not Paul - although it would have been great to see what the boy was doing
these days and whether he still had that great tan!) was driven around the
ground.
I thought, why televise these wonderful type of stirring images pre game or
during half time.
Who wouldn't tune in each week if there was the possiblity of seeing what the
BlueBirds or Vinnie Cotaggio's hair looks like now?
Bring back the big names like Rudi Frigo, Heath Sheppherd, Wes Fellowes, Shane
Hamilton, Scott Hodges and see what they're up to now.
Even relive some past rivalies by putting old adversaires in the commentry box
and seeing how long it takes to destroy the place eg. Robbie Muir and Ian
Collins, Carl Ditterich and everyone, Rene Kink and a box of pies.
Segments like this would ensure ratings, particulary for Carlton, Hawthorn and
Port supporters as they surely wouldn't tune in to watch their teams play.
v
Cheers,
Glenn McMahon
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 16:20:13 +1000
Simon,
I propose that teams (except the now "Definite Duo" who will remain in
training until the grand final) move into television roles with shows that
suit the stereotype to a tee, i.e instead of watching the Demons and the
Swans slug it out on a Friday night see;
* The Hawthorn peroxide brigade parading topless around Summer Bay, maybe
even move in with foster Mum Pippa at the caravan park if the punters
approve.
* Port Adelaide could easily produce their own "Temptation Island", as it
promises a lot, but delivers little!!
* Richmond could make its own version of the Simpsons, with Mal Brown as
Grandpa Simpson-just annoying everyone, yet still hanging around, Richo as
Homer Simpson- flutuates from brilliance one minute, to doh! the next. Like
Homer, he's the most interesting character and the fans favourite, and Wayne
Campbell as Martin-does everything by the book, however question marks over
toughness, and often goes unsighted through a whole episode.
* Carlton could do their own version of Shafted- as it's slow, boring,
EVERYONE HATES THEM and is enjoying its demise.
* West Coast has some paralells with Ray Martin-both had a ridiculous amount
of success in the 90's, despite the boring, bland style which frustrated
non-fans. Now he is a relic of the past, who struggles to have an impact
* Sydney (circa 1987)-It's A Knockout-epitomised everything that was good
about the 80's, BIG, fun, frivilous and way over the top. And great to
watch.
and finally Geelong (Blue Heelers). Rural based team which everyone has a
soft spot for. Very strong in the early-middle 90's, now fading off the
radar screen since the loss of the franchise player, Gary Ablett (Maggie
Doyle).
Damien Joyce, NORTH OLD BOYS
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 16:51:33 +1000
Dear Simon,
I was disappointed at not winning last weeks competition until I realised
the prize wasn't a dinner for two at the Lobster Cave. Then it didn't
really matter too much. Anyway, I think I'm a huge chance this week because
I'm sure this entry doesn't deserve to win.
I think PBL could kill two birds with one stone by cancelling the appalling
Australian Survivor and replacing it with AFL Survivor. Each week the
captains could attend tribal council and vote off one of the other clubs.
Viewer interest could be maintained with immunity challenges, such as the
team with the most players reported or the team with the lowest score. And
the best part is that alliances could be formed to vote off Essendon and
Brisbane at any time.
Or if that still doesn't work get Doug Mulray back and replace the telecast
with AFL's Naughtiest Home Videos. Even the Sydney people would watch that.
Maree from Brunswick
Date: Tue, 09 Feb 1904 04:28:48 -0700
ONE SIDED GAMES RUIN FOOTBALL AS A SPECTATOR SPORT AND HAVE PEOPLE SWITCHING
OFF THE T.V. THIS IS HOW KERRY CAN SOLVE THIS PROBLEM THEREFORE ENSURING
THAT THE T.V. RATINGS STAY HIGH. CAST YOUR MIND BACK TO LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AT
THE "G". JAMES HIRD IS DOMINATING THE GAME IN THE FIRST HALF AND IT IS
TURNING INTO A MASSACRE. AT THE 14 MINUTE MARK OF THE 2ND QUARTER JUST AS
THE UMPIRE IS ABOUT TO BOUNCE THE BALL AFTER YET ANOTHER ESSENDON GOAL THE
BIG SCREEN ON THE SCOREBORD STARTS FLASHING.THE CROWD AND PLAYERS ALL GASP
AS KERRY PACKERS FACE APPEARS ON THE SCREEN. THEN K.P.S' VOICE BOOMS OUT,
"JAMES HIRD, YOU'RE SHAFTED!!!". AT THAT INSTANT RED SYMONDS,WHO IS SITTING
ON THE BOUNDARY, PULLS A GIANT LEVER AND HIRDY DISAPPEARS THANKS TO A GRASS
COVERED STRATEGICALLY PLACED TRAPDOOR. ONCE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SHAFT HIRD
IS GRABBED BY MARIO MILANO AND SPIROS ARION AND LED THRU AN ELABORATE TUNNEL
SYSTEM TO A WAITING UNMARKED CAR.FROM THERE HE IS RUSHED TO A SECRET
LOCATION WHERE HE WILL NOT BE RELEASED UNTIL AFTER THE FINAL SIREN HAS
SOUNDED. HIRD WILL BE GUARDED AT THE SECRET LOCATION BY SOMEONE WHO CANNOT
GIVE HIM ANY GAME OR SCORE UPDATES, HUMPHREY B BEAR!!! THIS SYSTEM WOULD BE
PARTICULARLY EFFECTIVE AT COLONIAL WHERE THE DOMINANT PLAYER WOULD BE
SHAFTED STRAIGHT INTO THE UNDERGROUND CAR PARK.WITH HIRD OUT OF THE GAME IT
BECOMES A MUCH CLOSER CONTEST AND THE CROWD AND ALL THE T.V. VIEWERS ARE
HAPPY. ANY PLAYER WHO RESISTS BEING SHAFTED WILL NOT BE SUSPENDED BUT WILL
HAVE TO ATTEND THE NEXT 4 TAPINGS OF WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE. I
REALISE IT WILL BE EXPENSIVE TO SET THIS UP AT ALL AFL GROUNDS TO SHAFT
VOSS.BUCKLEY,COUSINS,ETC. ON ANY GIVEN DAY, BUT HEY, IF KERRY CAN'T AFFORD
IT WHO CAN???
TONY FROM GEELONG.
Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 09:37:53 -0700
Hi guys from the happy campers at Sydney
Also there are not many home games at the SCG ..wo we went to the Lions
game...I am ill so I had to sit in the CHEAPEST seat undercover which was $53
!!!!! (seats start at over $20 for standing room)
Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 01:32:29 +0100
Dear Coodabeens
As Tony has correctly pointed out, the compettion is already shot and people
will be leaving their TV's in droves as the inevitability of a Brisbane V
Essendon GF rolls on (the Roger Merrett Cup perhaps?).
We can't save the Football but I believe the ratings can be salvaged.
Simply turn the camera's around 180 degrees and lock the studios "Big
Brother" style.The mind reels at the possibile outcome of McQuire,Commetti,
Brereton,Lyon et el spending every waking minute together until the first
week of the finals !!!!
Imagine listening to Dermott ramble incessantly about nothing and then
giggling like a whacked out Sarah Marie.
Or Gary "get of the fence " Lyon trying to nominate someone for eviction.He
couldn't choose !!!
Or Cometti on meal duty "there's your drinks fellas - each of one -if you
don't mind" !!!
Of course everything may come crashing down when someone realises that Ed
the Head and Big Brother have never been seen in the same place at the same
time and
starts to question why Eddie doesn't get voted off whilst he is undeniably
the least popular member of the show.
Imagine the looks of genuine horror on their faces when Tim Lane is sent in
at about round 15 as an "intruder" ,instantly becomes the crowd favourite,
wins the whole
shebang and goes on to host a top-rating FM breakfast show for an obscene
amount of money !!!!!!!
It's worth a thought.
Scott from Lilydale.
Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 23:09:00 +1000
Simon,
G'day. Forget that marathon runner coming from behind stuff, we're attempting
an early breakaway.
MEDIA RELEASE
The AFL today announced that Brisbane and Essendon have broken from AFL ranks
and will form a new World Series Football competition . They will play against
each other every Friday night, televised live on 9. Matches will be played over
6 fifteen "chukkas",each chukka worth $50000 to the winning side , with a
bonus $1m should either side win all 6 chukkas on any one night. Crown Casino
will of course conduct betting on all aspects of these games. The other teams
will conduct their own competition over 20 weeks to determine a "winner" to
challenge Essendon and Brisbane in a finals series. (We're not sure if the
other competition will be televised, and we really dont care)
The WOrld Series Football champion (the one earning the most money of course)
will go direct to the Grand Final . The second placed team will play the winner
of the other competition for the right to play in the Grand Final. This will be
best of 3 games series(to ensure no lucky winner sneaks through to the Grand
Final) ANY FINALS MATCH INVOLVING ESSENDON OR BRISBANE will be televised
exclusively on the 9 network.
That should keep Kerry happy.
Jac & Pete Kilgour
Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 11:52:45 +1000
Channel 9 have already begun experimenting with methods of increasing
football ratings north of the border.
They will increase ratings by showing even LESS football than they do now.
This will create an artificial demand for the product by decreasing the
supply.
The board of Nine has obviously done Marketing 101.
Speculation about just how good Essendon and Brisbane are will be rife, as
no-one will actually have seen them play over the course of the season.
The tension will be unbearable and we will be reduced to listening to
opinions of our friends and colleagues who actually went to the games.
By the end of the year, the public will be so starved of football of any
kind there will be a guaranteed audience of over 5 billion people watching
the grand final. 30 Second ad slots in between goals will sell for millions
and so Nine will recoup it's enormous cost in one single program.
Bruce Hardie
Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 13:04:44 +1000
Let's keep it simple and promote from within.
Give Wayne from Wantirna his own show. Call it "You know what I am Saying".
He can give his opinion on all things footy. Perhaps include a special "Buy,
Swap, Sell and Fence" trading post style segment. Also, allow him to have
regular guests such as Ivan from Ivanhoe for Face in the Crowd "Is it Me?",
"The Past, The Future & Confucious" with Guru Bob, "At home in the garden"
with Wally from Warranwood etc.
Also, would like to take this opportunity to call for a replay of talk back
from last week. It was the funniest one I had heard in a long
time....nothing to do with not having been on for 6 months! Anyway, replay
Wayne's call please! I don't want to have to wait for Tony's Talkback Volume
2. Anyone else out their support me on this one?
Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 13:18:53 +1000
Kerry has considered a number of proposals to regenerate interest in the
season given the foregone conclusion that the Grand Final for 2002, 2003 and
2004 will be played for by the Bombers and the Lions. The proposals are as
follows:
1. Kerry believes viewer participation is the key to keep up the
ratings. It's the age of digital, interactive TV. The viewer, whose dream
from early childhood was to run out on to the MCG as the star of his/her
favourite club, can now have that dream fulfiled. The viewer will be able
to select a player and have his/her image replace that of the star
footballer. The commentators' voices will be digitally remixed to
substitute your name for the stars name. For all intents and purposes YOU
will be the star. The option will exist for you to interchange with another
player at each break if you 'star' is having a dud game.
2. make the Bombers and the Lions play each other every round of the
home and away season. Other 14 clubs get to play other 13 clubs twice
during the revamped 26 week season, while the Bombers and the Lions get to
belt the crap out of each other 26 times prior to the finals. This should
ensure that only one of those teams makes the Grand Final ( and even then,
hopefully it won't be fit enough to do any good anyway.)
3. The Bombers and the Lions take it in turns to play the Friday night,
Channel 9, Blockbuster. Advertise the match as a return to traditional
values. Bring back the idea of the school-yard lunch-time pick up games.
The opposing Captains stand out the front, the other 42 platyers stand in
front of them. The Captains toss a coin for first pick and they proceed to
take alternative picks until the sides are complete. That should even out
the result a little bit.
Michael from Mentone
Michael Fry
Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 14:55:20 +1000
Hey Simon/Guys,
Here's my entry. Please treat it with the respect/contempt it deserves.
Scene 1
Kerry P at home with feet up in front of the telly watching the Friday night
footy.
KP: This is crap!
Grabs mobile and punches numbers into it. Phone is answered by overloaded
secretary 'working back' to complete onerous workload.
KP: (Barking) Get me the idiot who told me Aussie Rules would be good for
my TV station.
Three minutes later there's a screech of tyres on KP's driveway and a
dishevelled, wilting man is ushered into the den, hair still wet with
shampoo.
Minion: You rang your highness.
KP: Quit your grovelling and get back to the office. Fix up this mess
you've gotten me into. Before you go, I have some ideas I want to see
incorporated into next week's game. GOT IT!
The minion knows better than to argue with Kerrie and quickly takes out a
note pad and pen.
KP: Firstly, get rid of those girly numbers on their backs. From now on
I want to see nicknames like they had on Gladiator ... you know, like
Knuckles, Rough nut, No-neck.
Secondly, If they start bleeding - leave 'em on. In fact, get real
good close ups.
Thirdly, award $10,000 to the best barny of Round. Double it for a
knockout.
Fourthly, if it's close at the end, say, with a minute to go, flick
the lights off for a couple of minutes - that'll put the wind up 'em, eh?
Adjust the scores, snap off the goal posts, have a pitch invasion and flick
the lights back on again. Ha, ha, ha.
Last but not least ... I remember seeing a game in Sydney once where
some clown let loose a pig on the ground. Make that mandatory, but change
the animal each week. One week a silver back gorilla, next week an
anaconda, you get the picture. Now get out, I've ordered re-runs of Family
Ties to be shown after this rubbish.
Jeff from Kilsyth (Jeff Salton)
Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 15:22:59 +1000
Simon,
With ratings down and advertising down Big Kezza sought advice from his
senior executives about how to improve the game. One nine exec. suggested
"footy survivor" in which pay TV viewers could vote two players off the
leading team at each break. Big Kezzo rejects this cause it would give
Foxtel too much of a leg up. Big Kezza instead reckoned that "Temptation
Footy" would be sure winner and sent his executives away to figure out how
to sell that to the league. At each break 6 gorgeous super models would go
to the leading sides huddle and too their rooms and try and tempt the two
dominant players in that team to change sides. Had this occurred last Friday
night viewers would have been treated to some quality footy like this:
(last quarter)
BANG! the umpire bounces the air conveyance, Ottens gets the tap down to
Blumfield, Blumfield handballs out to Peverill who's taken Mercuri right out
of the game, Peverill gets a little chip over to Hird, play on calls the
umpire not 15, Hird balks and then spots Richo on the lead, HO HO HO
RICHARDSON marks it 20m out dead in front and doesn't he like it when his
team mates deliver it laces out like that.
cheers
Mike Honeychurch
Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 17:09:33 +1000
Gday Simon,
Following is a proposal that may ensure the ratings necessary to justify
investment.
5 Steps to the top.
Step 1 - Replace Eddie with Suzie Wilks who can host the footy and do a
16 part weekly special called "Changing Rooms Changing Rooms". More
Suzie, less Eddie = Good for Football.
Step 2 - Award gold medals to the winning team. Australians love seeing
another Aussie win gold. Norman May joins commentary team.
Step 3 - Sell the rights to Shafted, Fear Factor and Sam & the Fatman to
rival networks on the condition they must be shown against live footy.
Step 4 - Show the replay of Anthony Mundine getting KO'D by Sven Ottke
after each goal. Hey it's nothing to do with footy but it makes good
viewing.
Step 5 - Hire Tim Lane - oops.
Hopefully this will save footy if not perhaps they could consider
actually showing Victorian clubs interstate games into Victoria, showing
games at a reasonable hour in other states (if at all), cutting back the
amount of ads and, once again, hire Suzie Wilks.
Cheers,
Joe Kirby
Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 17:01:35 +1000
A possible solution to renew peopleís interest in an otherwise boring, predictable season would be to take a leaf out of the World Wrestling Federation's (WWF) book, Hence the Following would change;
The Fixture
The first change to be made with the season would be to eliminate the out dated fixture, from now on all matches occur only when a team verbally challenges a team to a bout eg Eddie McGuire this week would stand in the centre circle at Colo stadium, Buckley, Tarrent, Rocca, Cummings folded arms behind him and would shout "Brian Colless is a big man when his 1000 km up the Hume Highway, letís see if heíll put his money where his mouth is... Brain, I challenge you Swanettes to a bout here at Colonial stadium, lets see if your still game to give me the bird when your boys come play the pies."
Press Conferences/Intra club feuds
No more of this boring one game at a time capper. The Centre circle on Match day would be the stage for all press conferences and inter/intra club feuds. Press Conferences would be done with two opposing players staring each other down while boasting how much they where going to beat the opposition by. How much interest would there have been last year had the Melbourne Fiasco occurred in front of a packed Members stand. Imagine the shock on Joseph Gutnickís face that would have occurred when his presidents address was interrupted by a sudden blaze of lights and AC/DC's highway to hell, When the smoke clears Gabriel Szondy, is standing at the players race behind him look mean and serious are Rob Flower, Gary Lyon,
The Obvious 2 Problem
WWF tactics would also even out the competition, take a predicably boring game between Brisbane and Carlton in 38 degree heat at the Gabba. Instead of trying to tag Voss, Black, Akermanis out of the game Carlton players would simply wait until all three umpires are distracted wat
Cheers Luke Gillies
Yarra Valley Old Boys
Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 19:45:01 +1000
Kerry Packer decrees:
* Essendon v Brisbane to play in a NBA style best of seven series (one of these
to be on a Sat for Ch 10 - contractual) for the premiership
* Friday night matches to be delayed further (Ed to continue talking, Sam to
complain about the umpiring, Derm to garble on in his own language & Dennis to
practice his vocalisations) while the editing department put together tonights package.
* 14 teams battle to be the best team in the World Series Football League
* Close matches are to be ensured (through carefull editing) and Collingwood
wins all matches as a gift to Ed
* Coaches can call time outs when the opposition gets a run on when they can
ask to Phone A Friend (coaching tips), ask the audience (coaching moves) or
50/50 (designated kicker gets a free shot from the 50m). All this time Ed is
building the suspense (and pausing for numerous commercials)
* Other aspects of TV shows are also added to the package - Big Brother cameras
in the rooms
If this fails then they can watch rugby!!!!!!
Darrell Nash
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 2002 09:40:42 +1000
There is obviously a mole at work in the AFL scene.
But the mole was a little too obvious in Round Two, destroying any interest in
the competition other than for Essendon and Brisbane supporters.
Certainly Richmond or HAwthorn would have been voted off last week.
KFBP has decided that, the clubs must vote out of the competition on a week by
week basis, the poorest performer (playing wise) of the Round as voted by the
other clubs.
The side that flogs the club that is evicted,gets a bye for the next round
until their is only three sides left,who play in a round-robin series to decide
who plays off in a best of eleven grand final series (allowing for a minimum of
six grand finals) between Brisbane and Essendon.
The Footy Mole.............maybe a running title for the show.
KFBP can recoup some of his $500mill from Mole style phone ins during the show
as to who the viewers think will be evicted @ $5 per call....Collingwood
supporters would surely subsidise plenty of the costs.. A sure way of reducing
club salaries.
David McNiece
OR>
This may not get ratings up,but it sure would be a fantastic way to recoup some
of Kerry's expenditure.
Any commentator,official,player to do with any club and media is fined $5000
for every time they use the word "Fantastic".
Thus, Eddie McGuire wouldnt be able to call any games as he uses the word
"Fantastic" in every sentence at least twice. When players are interviewed,
they would be lost for adjectives, as the only one they know is "Fantastic",
same for Robert Walls.Bingo, Kerry gets another $500k per game.
Just think that it would cost Eddie over $1 million in fantastic fines every
game,let alone Footy Show and Moolyanair and any other time he opens his mouth.
It may not boost the ratings but it would make the televising of the game more
than cost-effective.
Enrico Misso Appreciation Society
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 2002 02:06:11 +0000
Dear Simon,
A quick scan of last week's entries conradicts your claim that the comp is
becoming gender-neutral. Perhaps you meant gender neutral insofar as
READ-OUT entries are concerned.
If so, let me be the first to be OUTRAGED. Why should female entrants have
a head start in running second to Maree Critchley this week, when male
entrants are equally able to run second to Maree Critchley?! (and is this
the first time the week 2 winner has also been known in advance?)
Cunning entrants might be forced to circumvent this gender bias via other
channels.
Regards,
Stuette McArthur.
Channel Nine can boost ratings through extended use of the new gimmick
theyíve already developed.
ie. the percentage shot-at-goal chance-o-meter.
eg1. as a player from winning team is interviewed after game
TV-screen inset: "Records show the probability the player will say 'we
started well, they came back, but the boys finished strongly' - 94%
eg2. Danny Frawley interviewed after a game
screen inset: probability he'll start his response with "yeah no listen" -
88%
eg3. Matty Lloyd alone in the goalsquare.
screen inset: probability Lloyd gets a push in the back - 98%
eg4. shot of Grant Thomas at quarter time huddle.
screen inset: probability Thomas coaches St Kilda next week - 45%
eg5. head shot of Kevin Sheedy being interviewed.
screen inset: probability Kev says something that sounds profound: 88%
screen inset: probability Kev says something that IS profound: 7%
eg6. Matty Lappin interviewed after the game.
(no reason)
OR....
- Stuart McArthur
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 2002 13:01:30 +1000
Improve the ratings? Easy. Over 6 million people attended AFL games last year. Show the game live on the scoreboard, which, from here on shall be known as a TV ( technological vision ). Then have the ratings questionnaire flyer, found in each footy record, completed and handed in on departure from the ground.
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 2002 16:38:08 +1000
KP; Get in here Jim, leave that wife of yours alone for a minute.
The tape ends at this point.
Greg (and Sue) Hoysted
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 2002 16:12:38 +1000
Hello Simon,
To add spice to the season and Boost flagging ratings, Big Kerry decides to
enter his own team THE GOANNAS" in the AFL. Selections follow a simple format.
1.Each club must give up their best player to the new team. e.g VOSS from
Brisbane, Hird from Ess., Hall from the Swans etc (strangly The best player
from Carlton is declined)
2.To add entertainment/celebrity value as well as providing a sense of
tradition to the new club, the following are added to the playing list. Actors
John Howard (dope smoking champion from Williamson's - David not Mike- "The
Club") John Jarratt( the Great McCarthy) and Posthumously John Hargreaves (And
The Big Men Fly). Also added would be the multi award winning actors Rene Kink,
Ronnie Wearmouth and David Young.
3.Coach : Who else but Jack Thompson
4. Alternating between Eddie Maguire (can you have a conflict on a conflict of
interest? or do they just cancel each other out? Imagine the clash V
Collingwood) and television's perennial Club President, Frank Wilson.
5.Brothers are compulsory. e.g The Hollands, The Kellaways, The Powers, The
Johnsons etc to add a really real Big Brother experience as well to make sense
of commentators when they talk about individual players using the plural.
6. Club Doctor; Dr James Wright
7. Sponsors : Crown, OneTEL and Goanna OIL. Team Jumpers would be designed by
award wiining designer; Jodie Mears
8. The Goannas would play Essendon and Brisbane on alternate weeks in prime
time and the other teams would play in a secondary knockout series under sub
standard lighting at the recently reredevloped lakeside oval for the remainder
of the season.
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 2002 19:11:43 +1000
To: Mr Packer (PBL Squadron Leader)
Dear Mr Packer
In response to the threats you have made on the continuity of my pulse
regarding the early predictability of the season's end, and in the hope that
one day you just may offer me a sandwich in the boardroom instead of wiping
out the whole plate your good self, the following strategy is guaranteed to
spike our ROI to levels well exceeding industry benchmarks, and back to
where it belongs:
1) Effective Round 4 onwards, we will send 14 clubs, excluding Essendon and
Brisbane, to exotic islands for the next 19 weeks and surround them with
temptresses and camera crews on what will be known as Footy Trip Island,
hosted by Spider Everitt, to be aired nightly at 9:30pm.
2) Essendon and Brisbane will commence the fight for the 2002 flag in a
"best of 23" series, which should see us through to the end of September.
Mr Sheedy and Mr Matthews will be briefed on the consequences of "dead
rubbers" on one's health and physical well-being, and we are confident they
shall respond accordingly.
3) A weekly variety show, Tonight Live With Dennis Commetti, will commence
10:30pm on Saturday nights, to recognise the comic genius of this great
talent and take Channel 9 variety shows to that next level that Daryl and
the like couldn't. For example, ratings for last Sunday's debacle in
Brisbane were held together by material such as:
Also, there are no organ transplants in this year's budget - please advise.
Oliver Kysela
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 2002 20:20:02 +1000
We at PBL have gone back to the tried and true formula.
When a discipline/sport is on the nose a novelty is needed, but coming
up with a new novelty each week to suit the fickle TV fans is our
problem.
PBL believe, no we really and sincerely believe, that the public will
buy AFL on Ice. At least once.
We have the Jingle to the tune of "Lillee's pounding down like a
machine...."
And, we have the sponsors, Which is as we all know, the most important
thing.
Just imagine the last Saturday in July performed at 2am to coincide with
the primetime US audience "The Grand Final on Ice"
We can sell this one....
Grant and Chris
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 2002 22:05:03 +1000
I can forsee two major changes as the powers that be seek to enliven an
otherwise rudimentary 25 weeks until the Brisbane v Essendon grand final.
Firstly, given the extra constraints put upon telecast care of channel
nine's coverage, (ie 20 minutes of irrelevant rubbish before the bounce;
extra ads during quarter and three-quarter time; and the most indespensible
of all, Sam's philosophical musings during an extended half time.), it seems
to me that it is not only the much malligned 'Northern' states that have to
stay up until all hours to watch the footy. I believe that channel nine
will 'stick to what they know' and introduce more and more of their rugby
league telecast 'innovations' into the game. So look forward to a doctored
draw (sorry already happened), plus fireworks, cheer-leaders, and, mark my
words, 2 x 40 minute halves.
Another possible introduction could see the modus operandi of Temptation
Island come to the footy. Given that what happens on the field is very much
irrelevant until very late September, an increased focus to the other side
of the fence is likely. Yes, taking their cue from Dennis Pagan's half time
showing of Nathan Brown ordering one pie and sauce, expect the channel nine
cameras to follow the coaches around for a week so that they can then take
advantage of their exclusive change room access (for something other than
showing a bunch of blokes dawdling around to keep the lactic acid down) and
show a seemlessly edited together piece of slander from the opposing coach.
After following Sheeds around this week, it would be childs play to present
him saying; "Even after five hundred games I've never seen a worse team than
Brisbane, and even Kelvin Templeton is a more worthy Bronlow winner than
Jason Akermanis."
They could just film a bunch of opposition supporters and then show it to a
breathless and agast cheer squad on a mini TV and film the results. (or in
Collingwood's case just show it to their own supporters.)
Cheers,
Chris Hardie.
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 2002 23:34:13 +1000 (EST)
Memo To The AFL from PBL.
Gentlemen, here we are only a few weeks into the
season and already we see the way things are going.
Yes ratings are falling alarmingly! Kerry says we must
put a stop to this quickly, for the good of the game
obviously. We see the answer in a more even
competition which will give closer and more exciting
games.
To bring this about we propose the Monthly Tribal
Council, at which the bottom club will get to ^²vote
off^Πone player from the top club, and that player
must play for the said bottom club for the rest of the
season.
Second bottom votes off someone from second place etc.
You can see the beauty of this scheme, after a few
months of these Tribal Councils the competition will
be much more exciting and we believe it will have more
appeal to the football loving public. A whole new set
of tactics could now come into play, with clubs
strategically positioning themselves for the Tribal
Councils. And think of the TV audience that will tune
in for the monthly show, hosted by Eddie of course.
My people will talk to your people and we can get this
organised ASAP.
Yours etc
>From Steve Jenkinson
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 2002 13:13:06 +0000
Dear Simon,
Date: Sat, 13 Apr 2002 08:54:53 +1000 (EST)
Dear James
CC: Rupert
Re: Fixing footy
It is well known that a leading AFL scribe described
footy as being 'shot'. This would be somewhat
concerning for you given your large investments,
especially post One.Tel debacle. On top of that, the
'mad uncle' of TV Channels, 10, have the Grand final
locked up (remember David Leckie?).
I can fix footy. Easy.
We all know that reality TV and cooking shows are the
only one's that work. My idea is to incoporate both
(on the footy field).
Each week every club nominates a player to conduct a
cooking segment during the half time break. The
player shall come from the losing side and talk us
through his culinary masterpiece, a la Iain Hewitson.
It would be shown on both the big screens and bring
back some much needed family values. Players are not
wife cheating, drug taking, drink driving or trumped
up prima donnas like the media would like to suggest
(well, not all).
Can you not see James Hird whipping up a sponge?
Rupert Betheras a roast? Gary Ablett Jnr a pizza?
Regards
Tim Goddard
PS if this does not work, then offer to pay the fines
of the players who get in a scrap. Is there nothing
better than seeing a bit of biffo! Mellee rules!OK!
=====
Tim Goddard
From: The Cowlishaw Family
From: Sharon
To ensure an increase in ratings, I feel that the League must introduce
"Celebrity Blockbuster of the Day". Why have an unfair advantage for the Lions
at the Gabba when sides find it hard to acclimatise. send in the celebrity team
to even out the competition. Bert Newton would be captain, John Blackman would
interrupt Leigh's quarter time address as Dickie Knee eg. I want you to run
hard (guffaws all round) and a whole lot of closet Lions supporters can take
the field. It would definitely ensure a closer game, and more importantly,
ensure some last minute Gold Logie votes for the celebs.
From: Mog
disgusted Tigers fan reduced to reading his Come One The Tigers childrens
book published 1981...
From: Peter O'Sullivan
(Topless Waitresses revived the Counter Lunch some years back)
From: Kevin Hoey
* Whether or not Matthew Lappin (thanks Stuart McArthur) should be
axed after his next indiscretion?
From: Evan Butterworth
From: Brendan O'Brien
From: Gary bourke
(our motto you're past the use by date at 28)
AFL is just the "L"
Coach SMS messages to each player : no more runners
Messages are displayed on the TV for the VIEWERS (not for the watchers on
the big screen at the game )
At the end of each quarter VIEWERS vote 1900/SMS and OL ( on line) to change
the team around : the move with the most calls HAS to happen :
Rupanyup
From: "Hayhow G."
This would be classed as a "MORAL VICTORY" for the Tigers!
Games of this nature would then hold interest for the entire match (or a
least until the end of the third quarter)
The variables of 'possible points' available to teams throughout the matches
would enable commentators to convince viewers that almost anyone in the
competition had some chance of some type of victory during the season and
the final series.
Most importantly we will be compelled to watch all matches to the end of the
third quarter and networks are able to enlighten us with stats. and
important news form the world of football at half time!
From: David
From: D Long
From: Cheryl Critchley
FROM: Harry M. Miller.
OK, so footy's stuffed. Stop whingeing and picture this: It's Round
12, 2002, and following tonight's clash between the Kangaroos and the
cast of Temptation Island we'll be crossing live to this week's big
blockbuster which sees all your favorite AFL stars portrayed by the
greats of Tinseltown.
See them as you've never seen them before!
Shiver as Charles Bronson portrays Leigh Matthews.
Tickle your ribs as bumbling Cosmo Kramer from Seinfeld plays Matthew
Richardson.
And marvel as Meryl Streep takes on her most challenging role yet as
James Hird.
Hosted by Ray Martin, you won't want to miss a minute of the action
called by our very own John Michael-Howson and Richard Wilkins. Special
comments by Marcel Marcou.
Other highlights not to be missed include:
Kevin Sheedy played by Jack Nicholson.
Yul Brynner taking on the role of Nigel Smart.
Tony Liberatore played with uncanny accuracy by Arnold from Diff'rent
Strokes.
Mick Martyn portrayed by Val Lehman (Bea Smith from Prisoner).
Craig Bradley tackled by George Burns (obviously he'll have to be made
up to look older).
Errol Flynn even makes a cameo appearance as the swashbuckling Wayne
"Casanova" Carey.
Coming soon to a footy oval near you!
Cheryl Critchley
(for Harry M. Miller)
From: Bob Crain
2. SEX - Jodie Packer to design new player uniforms
2A. SEX - Cheerleaders lots and lots of them
3. MARKETING MARKETING MARKETING - Tell them anything and don't worry if it
has no relation to the facts what so ever ie. TV Coverage.
4. GAMBLING GAMBLING GAMBLING - Everything would be based around a new
formula of + or - against the Bombers and Brisbane (what the hell it's other
people's money.)
5. TAKE THE GAME TO THE CORPORATES - (and I'm sure Jamie would agree with
Ivan - "What's the Problem")Dont let the ordinary football supporter get in
the way of a profit.
From: Andrew Stacey
My entry is a little "off brief" but since when has that stopped you
reading out an entry or picking a winner - never!
Sorry about the attached image but since I put together a layout of the
Herald Sun (photo and all) I thought I should include it.
St. Helena (it's near Diamond Creek)
New footy chief to 'shaft' crappy, unpopular teams
CONTINUED Page 2, 83, 84
From: Glenn Rogers
From: Travis Bull
6:00 National Nine Early News - Start the day the Eddie Way the Latest news
Presented by Eddie M
Travis
From: April Andrews
From: Geoff Jones
Brisbane will be known as THE NORTHERNERS.
Geoff Jones
From: Emma Hegarty
Step 2. Put rugby on the tele instead.
Emma Hegarty
From: G & L McMahon
From: Damien Joyce
From: Maree Critchley mcritchley@nteu.org.au
From: cuffy cuffy@optusnet.com.au
From: Marietta Sutherlin
Just a couple of points why all the money spent developing interest in AFL in
Sydney is a waste of time after this season's changes to TV and internet.
With Ch7 we got 2 or three day games free to air on the weekend and If they
were not broadcasting night games live we got them live on C7...either at home
or at a local club where one could join a fun noisy crowd. Now this is
impossible as Ch7 (our alternative to rugby) is gone and the alternative to C7
don't have live big night games ....Jackson says we have now more
games.....that is a lie.... Fox is useless as they show all games but not with
the excitement of seeing it live and already knowing who won. Not being able
to see our team live? No interest.!..my family just bought a soccer ball and
are kicking that around.
As there is nothing about footy in the Sydney papers or radio, one of the
places to find out info about the code the first year that we were interested
in AFL was afl.com.au - we must have hit the site a million times...there was a
valuable cache of historical information, lots of stats, articles and photos
of the players and you could listen to commentary and the games ....that is all
gone...The purpose of the AFL is to promote the game with such information -
not try to make a paltry (it won;t make money) buck from the site...pathetic
lack of foresight!!!
That was not a great seat - only undercover! after paying $13 for parking.
Compared to a terrific seat I usually get at the MCG for $27. I needed a drink
after climbing so many stairs in my conditon ( not complaining) and a small
coke was $3.80
Too much trouble!
From: "Mitchell, Scott"
( Just for the record - I went to the same school that Cheryl Critchley went
too - yes, that's right the one where Stuart McCarthur taught......)
From: Jac & Pete
End of release.
From: "Hardie, Bruce [IBM GSA]"
From: Nathan Sims
From: Fry Michael
From: "Salton, Jeff"
From: Mike
From: Joe Kirby
From: Luke Gillies
From: Darrell Nash dnashy@bigpond.com.au
- who is the Mole? Who is sabotaging your team?
- Money. Paul Clitheroe negotiates contracts and property deals
- Getaway. Discover the best spots for training camps, health farms and end of
season trips
- Temptation Island (enough said)
- Funniest Home Videos classic turnovers & missed opportunities. Richo's goal
kicking a special package.
From: Peter Consolino peterc@pattersoncheney.com.au
Newport
(What a fantastic player he was too!)
From: stuart mcarthur stuartmcarthur@hotmail.com
they could pick up where Foxtel left off and report the latest goings-on
between Plugger Keenan from the Templestowe Dragons and his blind date.
From: Paul Martin
From: Greg & Sue Hoysted
JP; Yes dad, what now?
KP; Get me that footy bloke on the phone, you know, the ugly guy with
the squeaky voice. Jacko isn't it. Had a hit song a while back then did
some weird TV show in the states. He runs footy now doesn't he?
JP; No dad, that was Mark Jackson, you want Wayne.
KP; Whoever, just get him. I'm sick of this footy problem and I reckon
I've got a solution.
JP; Ok he's on.
KP; G'day Warren. How's your brother's media career going? Look I rang
to fix up your footy problems for you. You're always copping flak about
stress related injuries, uneven draws and lack of TV ratings. I can fix
all that. I have a time slot for 30 minutes at 7.00pm weeknights. If you
reduce your games to two ten minute halves, with intros and ads at
change of ends that'll fit perfectly. I'll give you prime time coverage
five nights a week right around the country (except for those regional
areas that run their local news then, but I know you don't listen to the
country anyway so that won't be a problem.) This way you'll be able to
fit 30 rounds into the season, no games will be blowouts because there
won't be enough time to get a big score and everyone will go away happy.
Fax us over a revised draw next week so we can get the TV guides out on
time. See ya at the Crown for your next function.
From: jc@stbedes.melb.catholic.edu.au
This is a Faction 33/66 Russo/Clements production.
From: KyselaO
cc: Coodabeen Champions
From: Oliver Kysela
Re: PBL Investment in Footy Rights Disaster
(i) "Barlow to Bateman, they advance alphabetically"., or
(ii) "Cox (Simon), prides himself on his kicking, goes short to Harford.
Well, I could have done that. Back to Cox by hand, not the best option,
emerges from the congestion and finds Graham Couldn't have done that.
From: grant and christine
Wodonga
From: Christopher Hardie
From: "[iso-8859-1] steve"
Chairman
PBL
From: bruce baker
to stop the Lions, and to
placate the football starved public in Tasmania,all Lions home games
will be moved to Strahan on the west coast of Tasmania and will be played
at night at a temp not to exceed two degrees.
You can't stop Essendon on the field, so you have to it off
the field. A good controversy is needed. James Hird and Matthew Lloyd
will be lured to a cocktail party where their drinks will be spiked. When
they pass out, their clothes will be taken off and they will be
photographed in bed with naked models from the ex Sale of the
Century. This will be revealed on A Current Affair as a drugs and alcohol
orgy involving the Essendon stars. The segment must include several
minutes of a reporter cahsing Hird and Lloyd through alleyways at the
back of Windy Hill.
ps the 66 in my email address is for 1966 - does this sway your
judgement at all???
From: "[iso-8859-1] tim gee"