The Coodabeen Champions Competition
Round Twenty One:
Looks like a couple of favoured teams are going to miss the finals.
Tell us what the supporters of each of the 16 clubs would do with themselves in an unexpectedly football free September
From: Hugh Saunders
Dear Simon,
What should bottom eight club fans do in September? They should be watching their teams trying not to win the Wooden Spoon.
I've been expecting Carlton to come up with this idea but, as they haven't, as a St. Kilda supporter myself, I offer a suggestion that my club may well benefit from in some season soon.
Just as the team which finishes on top of the ladder does not immediately become Premiers, so should the team that finishes bottom not automatically win the Wooden Spoon. There should be a bottom eight finals series to determine which club is entitled to hold this uncoveted trophy.
Instead of the winning teams in the WS Qualifying Finals going through to the Semis and then to the Preliminaries and the Grand Final, losing teams would progress and winners would be eliminated so that the two worst teams would play of for the Spoon.
This system would ensure that teams that could not possibly make the top eight from about Round 15 onwards would still have an incentive to play well as they would be vying for the Single Chance in the WS Qualifying Finals.
Of course, traditional Grand Final rituals would have to be introduced such as wooden medals for all team members and an equivalent to the Norm Smith Medal to be awarded to the worst player in the worst team Whoever earned this honour in the very first WS Grand Final would give his name to the medal, thus ensuring immortality to somebody who might otherwise be delisted and soon forgotten.
Regards
Hugh Saunders
From: Craig Coombes
Assuming their team was not playing in the finals, the following is what i beleive supporters would be doing!
Adelaide: Waving placards and burning effigy's outside the coaches house saying "He was never one of us in the first place"
Brisbane: Back watching the Rugby League
Carlton: See Adelaide
Collingwood: All at Eddies house watching replays of the games they just lost that cost them a place in the eight and complaining about the umpires.
Essendon: They'd just turn up anyway saying " It's not true, were playing and demanding the AFL kick a team out of the 8 because Essendon is supposed to be in the 8"
Fremantle: Same as last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that etc etc
Geelong: Splitting into groups and following former Geelong Falcon players at other clubs playing finals...thinking " What if?"
Hawthorn: Attending Spring and Summer fashion shows watching their players on the catwalk
Kangaroos: ALL going to Lourdes praying for anything but a season of bad luck like 2002
Melbourne: Too easy, Mt.Hotham, Perisher Blue or Bilia Volvo Blackburn
Port Adelaide: Gathering at The Ramsgate Hotel hoping for some Crows supporters to pass by
Richmond: Richmond Town Hall planning the next blood spill incorporated with see Adelaide and/or Carlton
St.Kilda: A working bee at Moorabbin to convince the AFL to let them return to Linton St
Swans: Sailing on Sydney Harbour in preparation for the Sydney to Hobartor See Brisbane
West Coast: Piece by piece transporting Subiaco across the Nullabor to rebuild Waverley Park so they can win away from home!
Western Bulldogs: Braybrook watching The Hammerheads
All the best:
Craig Coombes
From: From:
Matthew Laing
Hello Simon,
p.s. I think I might be a little bit off topic this week, but I think it is worth wondering about what Mark Bickley might be up to in September as his mates will be busy playing finals. I'm tipping he's off for some R and R with his old mate Mods on some beach north of Perth. They might even invite Jason MacCartney to complete the reunion.
From: "Critchley, Cheryl"
Hi fellas,
Go Tigers,
From: Fry Michael
Dear Coodabeens
Memo to the Richmond Football Club
"On behalf of all Richmond supporters I would like to express my
appreciation to the on-field component of the Club for allowing us to 'pick
the eyes' out of the best holiday packages available while taking advantage
of the lower cost pre-bookings for the September period.
After many years of the Club losing its last match of the 'home and away'
series to finish ninth, four times in seven years actually, and last years
debacle when they made it all the way to the Preliminary final, which leaves
supporters with the nigh on impossible task of booking suitable flights and
accommodation packages at a reasonable cost, we really appreciated the early
notification that September would be free of all Richmond based football
commitments.
The deal I was able to secure in June this year was wonderful. Roll on
September I say."
Memo from the President of the Carlton Fooball Club to the President of the
St Kilda Football Club
"Dear Rod
Two things Rod.
I wonder if we could set up a meeting between our respective Recruiting
Departments. The aim of the meeting is to establish a process for utilising
priority and other early draft picks. As everyone on the planet is aware
our knowledge base in relation to this matter is quite poor.
The Carlton Football Club is willing to share with your club, for a reduced
corporate rate, our process for recycling 30-year-old players which may come
in handy for your club in the next year year or two when your twenty or so
guns from the 1999, 2000, 2001 and 2002 drafts just need that bit of
on-field leadership.
Secondly, could we also like to set up a meeting of our End of Year Trip
Working Parties in order to get some advice on a program of activities and
the the best places to visit for an end of year trip. Like everyone in the
competition we are looking to benchmark ourselves against the best in the
business, a position you have clearly held in this field of endeavour since
the early 70's.
By the way I would like to take the opportunity to say S.... S... Sor...
Sorry (as you know its not a word that comes easily to us a Carlton) if you
took offence to any of the comments of our out-going President. You didn't
take him seriously did you? We never did!
I can book one of the MANY function rooms AVAILABLE at Optus Oval for the
meeting. I'll let you know you half of the booking cost in due course (I
particularly like the room with the view of the Water Wheel and that
imitation rice paddy in the distance.)
Signed
Brad's mate Smorgo (Mark II)"
Michael Fry
From: Cheryl Harvey
Dear Simon,
I am organising a field trip to Mt Everest during September for all those disillusioned Carlton, Richmond, Sydney and Bulldog supporters because......... we all need to feel we have been on top of something at least once this year!!!!!!
Cheryl Harvey
From: paul prole
Dear Simon,
A time of the year which I have honed to a fine art.
Finals: Week 1. Prune all hedges, mix in a good slow release fertilizer with a good quality mulch, spray roses for Black Spot and Aphids.
Finals: Week 2. Divide remaining vinyl records into three piles; To keep, to sell, to op-shop.
Finals Week 3. Finalise all future Caulfield/Melbourne Cup Doubles selections and place commission with your chosen broker.
Grand Final Day. At 9.30 begin watching your teams previous Premiership victories back to back. For Saints and Bulldogs fans repeat Week 2 activities. (Hint: Remove Hawkwind records from to sell and move to op-shop pile.)
P.S If you do find yourself at a Grand Final BBQ use this line.
"I remember the days when they let anyone go to the Grand Final, now they let anyone play in it!"
Regards Paul Prole
From: mh@seafordps.vic.edu.au
Simon,
Hassa from Beaumaris (who unfotunately neglected to 'sign off' last week and was sadly mentioned as being 'a female!'
From: "Bilson, Paul G"
Supporters in September........
Adelaide Who cares?
Brisbane Like they won't be involved in every September final's
campaign in the future - even if they look like missing the AFL will come up
with some rule change to ensure they are there "for the good of the national
game".
Melbourne Keep going to the MCG, they don't actually know the players
so can pick whichever team playing to support ("good work number 13, well
played number 24 etc")
Essendon Attending woodworking program at TAFE (Wooden Spoon Creation
for beginners) to make all the Xmas gifts for their Carlton acquaintances.
Carlton Hiding from Essendon supporter acquaintances.
Collingwood Attending Adult literacy program at TAFE (Always concerned
that Essendon supporters have been called "Collingwood supporters who can
read" would like to see what big deal is).
Richmond Knife fights between supporters, players and management
(would be good to see face to face fighting after their proud history of
stabbing each other in the back so much).
Fremantle Visiting Trent Croad at the Betty Ford Clinic.
St Kilda Local pub, get to see the players in their
natural habitat.
Geelong Going to local secondary schools to support team as they
complete VCE.
Western Bulldogs Holiday at Werribee Beach.
Sydney Like they won't be involved in every September final's
campaign.....(see Brisbane above)
Port Adelaide Visiting pubs and starting fights (they have no end
of season)
West Coast Eagles Traditional summer training (Drug running from
Indonesia and stealing horse steroids from CSIRO)
Hawthorn Down to the local tanning salon/hair salon to see the
players getting ready for next year.
North Melbourne Too many cheap jokes about parties and spouse swapping -
cannot choose.
From: Robert Meredith
What supporters of clubs would do if their team didn't make the finals
Adelaide: Take to the hills. The Adelaide hills where a good chardy can be
picked up for under $15, and an excellent Cab Sav for under $20 if buying by
the dozen.
Brisbane: Watch the Broncos just like we always do.
Carlton: Riot in Lygon St and burn down the house next to John Elliott's, by
mistake.
Collingwood: Same as we did the last 9 years. Cut out job adverts Monday,
Down Centrelink Tuesday, Wednesday thru Sunday - Timezone.
Essendon: Get a lawyer through Legal Aid to fight the charges of domestic
violence coz the wife really did walk into a door. Four times.
Fremantle. You mean they play in September too? Why? How long has this been
going on?
Geelong: Go Surfin'. Go Fishin'. Go Drinkin'.
Hawthorn: Go through family albums trying to find dead relatives whose names
can be used for the next membership drive.
Melbourne: What year is it? Even numbers, no we're in the finals this year
hey what?
The North Melbourne Football Club: Pore over every detail of the Carey trade
saga whilst picking off the number 18 from the back of the new Ansett Cup
jumper you've just bought (to help the club)
Paw Daddalay: Get some more false teeth after losing the current set
somewhere at Foody Park after throwing them at a Victorian player. Rob the
houses of the Crows supporters who are in the hills buying wine.
Richmond: Talk up next year, as always. Start an email campaign to get rid
of the coach. Pick the "Unleash the Geish" stickers off the Commodore.
Sydney: Speculate on which big name the AFL is going to recruit for us, then
talk up next year as always.
StKilda: Talk up next year as always.
Footscray Western Bulldogs: Talk about how good this year was and how
fantastic things look for the Doggies, even though they finished 11th and
were never a chance to make the finals, as always.
West Coast: Start the campaign to finally get those jumpers changed back
once and for all.
Rob Meredith
From:
David
Hi Simon
I don't think it matters who you support or when it is that you will have more time on your hands because your side is not playing. All supporters must become research scientist. We all must band together to find a cure a
disease that has been the scourge of the AFL this season.
So all Carlton, St Kilda, Richmond, Western Bulldogs, Fremantle and Sydney fans begin as soon as you can. The rest of us will join you shortly.
This disease must be eradicated. It turns competitive, efficient , top class
teams into a disorganised rabble. I am talking of.......D.V.T. or Distant Venue Thrombosis , the sickness which has meant the majority of teams
playing away from their state this year, have been absolutely thrashed......
Cheers
David Bean
From: Greg & Sue Hoysted
Dear Simon,
I must appeal to you for advice. I know you've been able to plan
your September activities well in advance for most of your life, (with
just a few blips on the radar, most recently in the mid-late 90s). I, on
the other hand have tended to still have a football interest in
September for the vast majority of years. This year however, from quite
early in the season, I found myself wondering what I would do to fill in
the September weekends.
Firstly, I've sharpened every knife in the house to within an inch
of its life. Planning where to plant the aforementioned knives has taken
a considerable amount of energy this season, so I envisage spending some
of September (and possibly October) completing that task.
Secondly, I seem to have found a large number of wooden kitchen
implements around the house recently. I'm considering painting them
white and using them to build a novelty picket fence around the cubby
house. That could be a therapeutic way to occupy the weekends. It seems
more environmentally friendly than the bonfire that was my original
idea.
Thirdly, various electronic items around the house such as walkmen,
TV sets, computers and mobile phones have suffered damage during the
year as a result of unexplained accidents (strangely, always on
weekends). I could take the opportunity to get them repaired I suppose.
Those are my plans so far Simon. Have I left anything out that you,
a man with considerable experience in this field, could suggest as an
equally productive use of my time?
Greg (and a somewhat paranoid Sue) Hoysted
From: From:
Arthur Pashos
Greetings Simon,
May I recomend to ALL footy followers, whose team wasunable to reach the status of final eight, to theget their hands on the 'East Gippsland Visitor Guide' Winter Edition 2002.
In such an edition (free) you will be able to designate a destination of pure joy...and in some areas, not even the ABC could reach.
In far East Gippsland you are able to pursue much pleasurein the historic Marlo Hotel (page 54) or simply fish from such magnificentbeacyhes such as Cape Conran. (page 55)
From the guide (pages 34-35) you can rekindle your passion to 4WD to vast regions once inhabitated by greenies in the Goolengook region where the combatants once faced each other.
Far East Gippsland has so much to offer suffering footy followers that eventually, after many fruitless seasons I finally decided to call this magnificent area .....home.
This is a call to all supporters of dud teams, that Far East Gippsland is the place to be when finals time is upon us.
Arthur Pashos
From: Paul Martin
Simon,
This September the AFL should introduce Adults For Learning weeks, for all
supporters of non-finals teams.
The AFL would agree, non-finals supporters should see September as window of
opportunity for self-development.
I believe this could be another brilliant marketing ploy to add to the "more
suits and ties" at the game, philosophy.
As another, past triple R team once said "danger, low brows".
Surely one of the AFL's long term plans would be; have the clubs educate the
players, let us educate the supporters.
Who knows, one day this may even filter down to eventually having educated,
( read as intelligent ) UMPIRES!!
All Blues supporters should enrol to study Oncology; examining tumours,
their causes, development characteristics and treatments.
Tiger supporters should also partake in a medical course, studying the
counteracting effect of antibodies.
There would be laughs a plenty out west if Bulldog supporters went off to
drama school and The Importance of Being Ernest.
Those up in Sin City could investigate Horticulture.
While Saints could head off to the school of Mahayana Buddhism, seeking
enlightenment and universal salvation through faith.
Freo and Eagles supporters to enrol in English Expression, and discuss the
links between TV's Home & Away, and the Doldrums.
Hawk supporters could study famous speeches, starting with Harold
McMillan's, "winds of change".
And even if the Bombers happen to make the eight, they should enrol NOW in a
finance course.
And learn how to correctly debit / credit a water bottle, and therefore
become ACCOUNTABLE.
Paul Martin
From: Travis Bull
Richmond - The club has organized a player and supporter trip to visit the school of Communications and Linguistics at M.I.T Michigan to try and decipher what Danny Frawley says each week at training
Collingwood - After Eddie saw the Avg. fan score in the recent IQ Test (not yet released to general public) he has organized "Train the brain" sessions. Come along pie fans, learn to write, add up numbers and rotate images in your head. Here is an example question for the sessions. "If I had One Buckley, one Fraser & One Tarrent in our team. Could we add one Carey and still not breach the salary cap?"
Geelong - The club has announced a "We Let them go team of the century" consisting of all the great discards from geelong. It will be held at Crown over a mammoth 3 nights Sep 21,22 & 23.
West Coast - Designer Prue Akten(sorry about spelling) is holding a workshop to design the Eagles new home strip, supporters with a flare for colors are encouraged to attend.
Western Bulldogs - The western oval will be a flutter of activity this September with live recordings of the new series of Kath and Kim. Supporters are encouraged to get down there and maybe you might become TV Stars.
St Kilda - As usual the club has made no plans to entertain supporters. All supporters are expected at there respective summer sport preseason the first weekend of the finals.
Essendon - The club has organized a mock Grand Final ticket queue for all supporters at windy hill, several thousand supporters are expected for there annual camp out.
Brisbane Lions - Got the winter blues? Supporters join the team as they embark on a trip of a life time to sunny Acapulco. Contact the club for details.
Carlton - Supporters are more than welcome to pop along to a range of seminars on "Making Great Excuses for inaptitude" hosted by Carlton President John Elliot
Sydney - The swans they have organized an internet poll to let the supporters decide which retired player they want the club to pursue and bring back to the playing list for next year. This years short listed players are Roos, Tilt, Capper or Browning.
Port Adelaide - Supporters will love this one, it's a trip to South Africa. Whilst there you will tour the Cricket World cup Grounds and offer advice on how the security of grounds can be improved.
Melbourne - It's off on a trip to England for the demons faithful. For the clubs annual Fox Hunt.
Hawks - All September Glenferrie oval will be covered in Jumping Castles in the annual world jumping castle expo. (It seems everytime I go past glenferrie there's a jumping castle on the ground). Also Edward Beale has organised a clinic for the kids.
North Melbourne - North Melbourne in co-operation with the scouts are organizing a "Bob a Job" weekend, North Supporters are encourage to do odd jobs for small change on that weekend. Proceeds to go to the club.
Adelaide - Supporters are treated to the highlight of the Year, on the second weekend of September the club is organizing busses from Footy park to the Water Slide at Glenelg.
Freo - Supporters are reminded of the competition we are running all September. We are offering cash to the first supporter that can come into the offices of Fremantle and remember the words to our theme song.
From: From:
Bob Crain
Dear Simon,
I do have one suggestion for the supporters of other clubs to past the time away in Sept. they can check out this website WWW. i should be working.com this website features interesting and useful information like The Strange and Odd ways people have killed themselves, Last meal requests from the Texas Dept. of Criminal Justice, and a list of thousands of phobias including ASTROSEPTAPHOBIA which is the fear oflistlessly staring into space in the month of September.
Regards
PS. That group of 5th and 6th graders will be loads of fun at the convention.
From: Dean Phelan
Fella's
If you can't be there then there is plenty of other entertainment on offer
AdelaideKeep up the annual pilgrimage to tent city outside Ballarat and stay for the nightlife
BrisbaneGee the Bronco's are travelling nicely aren't they.
Carlton Plan a boardroom coup and call Fitzy or Sticks for advice on their share portfolio
Collingwood Debate amongst themselves whether Carey should play centre half forward for full forward
EssendonAttend Auskick sessions to see if Hirdys kids measure up
FremantleStraight to rottenest island onboard the beer baron fishin cruiser
GeelongReturn to the farm or head to Wye River pub in the Combi
Hawthorn Go to any outer eastern hardware store for a bbq sausage rather than travel all the way to Glenferrie Oval
Melbourne Delay the return trip from the US tennis open and check out Whistler national park in Canada for next years ski season
North MelbourneAttend Sexpo in search of answers to what went wrong this year.
Port Adelaide Attend tent city with Adelaide supporters but sleep in the open or in the back of panel vansor station wagons. Attend pub scene only.
RichmondMaintain the same routine they have enjoyed since early July
St KildaAttend Peter Everitts Bali Bongo Beer Festival
Sydney Enjoy chicken and champagne on the harbour and then stake out a prime position for the new years eve cracker display
West CoastAttend Karl Langdons sumo wrestlemania at the waterfront hotel
Western BulldogsAttend the Dimmeys and Forges sales
Cheers
Dean Phelan
From:
Mark Tracy
Carlton Supporters:
Should all go enmasse to their local IKEA store, purchase as many mirrors as they can, take the mirrors to Princes Park and install them on every wall, nook and cranny so that EVERYONE down there can take a good hard look at themselves!
Hawthorn Supporters:
Ring up Estate Agents in the Waverley area to put forward their bid on a plot of land in the proposed "supporters village" in the sub artic environs of Waverley Park. They could then hope that Jeff Kennett re-enters politics as the local member thereby ensuring the almost immediate approval, construction and completion of a light rail network terminating at the newly named "Michael Tuck" siding.
Melbourne and Geelong Supporters (in the western corner of the state):
Fuel up the Range Rover, dry clean the moleskins, buff up the RM's and dust off the tweed jackets with the leather patches before heading off to the Marnoo Ram Sale or the WedderburnWool Show. Melbourne supporters from anywhere else in the state will, of course, head up to Hotham for late season snow play and apr?s-ski. Geelong supporters from elsewhere will develop a sudden interest in the local football finals and throw their considerable support behind teams such as Woomelang-Lascelles (who wear the Cats colours).
Essendon Supporters:
Can sit at home and watch the newly released copies of "2002 - The Bombers battle for the Eight". This will feature footage of the 15 quarters of football that the Bombers actually managed to play throughout the season.
Collingwood Supporters:
Will lament yet another lost opportunity, andbe critical of the fact that the minor premiership is not decided in May when their team actually has a chance of winning it. They will also hope that in 2003 there is a drawn final late in the season which would thereby necessitate the Grand Final being played in October. This would lift their spirits as the only flag they have won in decades was in the first weekend of October.
Mark Tracy
From: Paul Lucas - Montrose
ADELAIDE: "We'll be attending the Gary Ayres house stoning and effigy burning".
BRISBANE: "What do you mean my teams not in the finals. I've got a series ticket for all the Broncos games. By the way, what's an ALF".
CARLTON: "Now I'll have the time to finally tune my car horn to play "Tintareila Di Luna".
COLLINGWOOD: Pie fans will tie up finals football talkback radio with the inevitable questions "How will the Pies go in 2003? or "will Buckley win the Brownlow next year?."
ESSENDON: Bomber fans can rellive former glories by watching video tapes of their back to back triumph. (The 1974 and 1975 back to back It's Academic titles when Essendon Grammar beat arch rivals Genazzano College) while wearing their "Back to Back Premiers 2000 & 2001" t-shirts they picked up at the Moonee Ponds market, 5 for $1.00.
FOOTSCRAY: "We're doing our Xmas Shoplifting early this year"
GEELONG: "We're watching the Geelong Falcons play because it will be the last chance to see these guys in Geelong colours".
FREEMANTLE: Watching other sides play is just like watching Freo (Collingwood - Holland & Clement, Melbourne - White, Kangaroos - Abraham & Sinclair, Footscray - Bandy).
HAWTHORN: They'll spend the time trying to work out why a 32 year old Wayne Carey is a better prospect at centre half forward than a 21 year old Trent Croad.
KANGAROOS: ":We're spending the finals trying to work out whether Allen Ayletts press release in which he states "We call the tune and we want to tango etc" means that they'll be trading Wayne Carey for Paul Mecurio."
MELBOURNE: "We'll by attending all MCG finals matches to make sure the members stands are at full capacity in case the socialists running the AFL get ideas about opening the areas to member of lower socio-economic groups."
PORT ADELAIDE: "I think there's a working bee planned for our caravan park. Then I'll be going the obedience class for my pit bulls".
RICHMOND: Tiger fans are convinced of two things:]
(i) Richmond will make the Grand Final in 2003
(ii) Professional wrestling is real.
Tiger fans will be directing their energies following the Rock and Hulk Hogan.
ST KILDA: "We always thought the season ended at Round 22. We just assumed the September matches were part of the 2003 pre-season."
SWANS: "We've attended every Swans game that the AFL have given away free tickets for, so we've seen quite a few Swans games. This September the NRL are holding the finals at Stadium Australia, so given how well attended the rugby is, there should be plenty of freebies floating around for the games".
WEST COAST: "I'll tell you what we won't be doing. We won't be watching the finals because we find the thought of two interstate teams in the finals BORING.'
Paul Lucas
From: cosmiclatte@optusnet.com.au
Dear Si,
In researching this topic I invited a member from each of the 16 clubs to attend a
group discussion over jam doughnuts in the meeting room at work.
The first question I put to the group was: What would you do more of if there was
no football during September? The members reached the general consensus
that they'd spend a lot more time: doing nothing; sleeping; and watching TV
programs other than football. The Kangaroos supporter (seated up the far end
of the table like he was The King) put forward quite passionately that he'd finish
off kicking in my Wayne Carey Shrine, and described in considerable detail
exactly how he was going to do this.
The second question I put to the group was: What would you do less of if there
was no football in September? The members reached the general consensus
that they'd spend a lot less time: going to the football; sick with colds caught at
the football; and watching the football on TV. The Kangaroos supporter
added pick up chicks and went on to explain that this only happens when he
goes to football matches especially when they play Essendon. The Essendon
player (who by the way is a girl) subsequently grabbed him in a headlock, stuffed
a doughnut in his mouth to shut him up and tickled him until he let out a high-
pitched, somewhat muffled scream.
The third question I put to the group was: Would you be more or less likely to
be best mates with a supporter of a different team if there was no football during
September? The general consensus was that they would be less likely to
be best mates due to: having less common interests. The Kangaroos
supporter (now sporting a huge grin on his face, tent pole in his pants and jam
down the front of his shirt) disagreed wholeheartedly and accused this of being
a trick question that makes no sense at all and argued that there must be some
mistake because its impossible to be best mates with someone who supports
another team. The other members were fairly fed up at this point and the
Essendon supporter left the room shaking her head in disgust.
I felt that there was no point in continuing the discussion so we adjourned the
meeting at that point, which meant I didnt ask my fourth question: Would no
football in September ultimately be a good or bad thing and why? However, the
responses to the previous questions clearly illustrate that supporters have no life,
interests or friends outside of football.
Just before I step off my soapbox Id like to raise it to the Coodabeens that my
Kangaroos members example of being preoccupied with picking up chicks
coupled with his impressive ego and desire to work in his own interests rather
than the groups coodabe fairly reflective of the general Kangaroos example of
providing media worthy indiscretions that are capable of keeping us non-
members entertained this season.
Cosmic
From: Basil
Hi Simon,
There will be a collective theme through out September from all supporters
whose team missed out on the finals.
They will spend some of the time making excuses why their team didnt make
it (injuries, suspensions, umpiring decisions).
Spend more time giving reasons why their team WILL make it next year, and in
the final week,
Bagging supporters who complained about missing out on Grand Final tickets.
Well, it's cheaper than therapy!
Basil Czerwaniw
From: Oliver Kysela
Si
There appears to be a possibility that Hawthorn supporters may have a 4 week social void, which is most un-Hawthorn-like. To maintain credibility and have something to talk about at The Glenferrie on Saturday nights during September, you will find Hawthorn supporters have implemented the following disaster-recovery plans, or what they would describe as "making alternative arrangements":
1) Contacting mates who support the Kangaroos and Melbourne and seeing if they are looking for a substitution for the golfing weekend away at Yarrawonga or Mornington Peninsula, which they had organised and booked with confidence back in March, and to which the Hawthorn supporter had declined with even more confidence back in March.
2) Begin to set about creating another 3 frozen embrios and multiple personalities each, destined for the 2003 Hawthorn membership register.
3)Seek a health fund that doesn't charge an outrageous premium exclusively to Hawthorn supporters to compensate for the increased risk associated with chest pain.
4) Secure the Cups Doubles charts from Michael Eskander and capitalise on the overs offerred by a poorly informed market in disequilibrium in an attempt to salvage something out of 2002.
Oliver Kysela
From: stuart mcarthur
Dear Simon,
I am NOT a bitter and twisted Tiger fan Simon. In fact I honestly believe this year has been the most enjoyable year of footy in AFL/VFL history, easily taking the crown from 1964 when Carlton only finished THIRD last.
Bitter and twisted my foot!
Supporters of teams that miss out on the finals will be doing the following in September
Melbourne fans
watching video of Round 15 match Melbourne v. Carlton
Geelong fans
watching video of Round 11 match Geelong v. Carlton
West Coast fans
watching video of Round 12 match Eagles v. Carlton
Bulldogs fans
watching video of Round 6 match Bulldogs v. Carlton
Fremantle fan (the)
watching video of Round 10 match Freo v. Carlton
Sydney fans
watching video of Round 2 match Sydney v. Carlton
St Kilda fans
watching video of Rounds 1 and 16 matches St Kilda v. Carlton
Carlton fans
watching video of Round 14 match Carlton v. Richmond
Richmond fans
watching video of the 1980 Grand Final (yet again - as usual)
cheers Simon
Stuart McthArru (sorry a bit, er, twisted)
PS. BOOM BOOM
From: christopher lees
Who needs football in Sydney in September.
It's only ever been an excuse to drink Chardonnay outdoors during the winter months. The finer weather gives us the chance to keep in touch with the fine arts that this city has to offer....The Radiators at the Bondi Lifesaver....Jeff Duff doing a tribute to some-body...or some 70s icon playing the Canterbury-Hurlstone Park R.S.L ( read ..Daryl Braithwaite, J.P.Y. Mossy or Ross Wilson)
Really, is there a choice.
If all this fails there's still the Mardi Gras.
Christopher Lees
From: David Phillips Things to do in sept.
ADELAIDE: a winery tour of the barossa or the adelaide
hills or maybe some fisticuffs at the ramsgate
BRISBANE: the vic expats will still follw the footy.
The rest of Qld. ll go for a spot of huntin' shootin'
fihin' and a drinkin'.
CARLTON: sack the president sack the coach sack the
board sack the players ransack lygon st.
COLLINGWOOD: whatever they usually do
ESSENDON: read DOLLY
FREO: "There's footy in september?"
GEELONG: shear the sheep and plough the field
HAWTHORN: sit, drop, roll over, good boy
MELBOURNE: stay up at the snow (it won't last 'til
october)
NORTH: i don't know what he will do
RICHMOND:get drunk, sack the coach, fall over, redraft
Matty Knights, bring back Hafey, fall over again
ST. KILDA: a crash course in brain surgery
SYDNEY: go to the theatre, restaurant, art gallery,
just the usual
WEST COAST: catch some waves dude
WESTERN BULLDOGS: continue to delude themselves that
they have a young list and are rebuilding when their
best players are aging rapidly
dave phillips
From: PRyan@australianunity.com.au
Adelaide - Stage a blockbuster derby with Port, only this time with bike
chains and iron bars being the preferred tools of trade.
Brisbane - get Akers really fit so he can kiss the grass in a one arm hand
stand
Carlton - What's so unexpected about that?
Collingwood - Check that Eddie hasn't exceeded his salary cap or died from
overexposure
Essendon - Condense Sheed's snippets of wisdom into a little red book and
burn it.
Fremantle - How much was that franchise fee?
Geelong - Get the spin doctors to put together next season excuses as they
will no longer be a young side.
Hawthorn This is great. Now Crawf can concentrate bon his modelling career
Kangaroos - How could you drop McCartney Jeez Fellahs. Sorry off the
subject.
Melbourne - A good chance to see if Geoff White can carry any more padding
and still walk.
Port Adelaide - Stone the Crows
Richmond - organise a jungle safari to replace some aging tigers
St Kilda - Bring back the peroxide concession.
Sydney - Raffle Tony Lockett's exercise bike.
West Coast - Stay home (all of next season)
Western Bulldogs - Get those skinny little kids off the ground and into the
gym. A few courses of Mrs Liberatore's pasta would not go astray.
Peter Ryan
From: Tim Goddard Dear Sly,
So it's come to this. How pathetic. As for the comp, I reckon I've struck
iron pyrites.
Aside from the Mighty Cats, all of the other team supports can do the
following during September (there's a pattern to it, see if you catch on).
Adelbore - They can Get Stuffed
May all of your August 24's come at once.
Give my regards to the Heathens.
Goodonya
Tim G
From: paul russo
Dear Simon, from Faction 3366.
We do not care what those supporters do during September but we are cheesed
off, yes CHEESED off. I went to book my annual September Queensland
holiday only to find out that Noosa was all booked out - with Carlton
supporters - who were happy to pay double the usual price. So I tried the
Sunshine coast but the Hawthorn supporters had that booked up. I am now
hoping on the Gold coast because apparently some Essendon supporters have
put in some late cancellations.
Give me the good old days when us St Kilda supporters could book our
September holidays without any fuss.
From Faction 3366 (Paul Russo/John Clements)
From: Ian Davidson btw - Next year during Blues matches at Princes Park The Carlton Blue
Rinse Set plans holding a craft market in the Legends Stand during
playing time.
btw2
What's the difference between a Pyromaniac and the Carlton Football Club?
A Pyromaniac wouldn't waste eighteen matches.....
From:
"Walby, Andrew"
Adelaide
Brisbane
Carlton
Collingwood
Essendon
Fremantle
Geelong
Hawthorn
Kangaroos
Melbourne
Port Adelaide
Richmond
Sydney
St Kilda
West Coast Eagles
Western Bulldogs
Andrew WalbyÊ
From: Andrew McDonald
Ê
What to do during SeptemberÊif your team misses the finals ...
Ê
Melbourne Supporters would surely do what they do every other weekend of the football season ... Go to the Snow!!!!
From: harrisd@bigpond.com
Dear Simon
What will I do if the Bombers crash out
Oh, I'll get by with a little help from my horse
Ê
Would you believe when she won her last race
Jane HarrisÊ
From: "Treseder, Peter"
Simon,
I suggest that supporters do the following during September if their team
doesn't make the finlas, in some of these suggestions could be seen as being
a little bit harsh.
AAA Kangaroos - Relationship management classes
Adelaide - Form a committee to get the Grand Prix back to Adelaide
Brisbane - Studying road maps so that they can negotiate the Newell highway
to Melbourne as they will be in the finals
Carlton - Political campaigning and helping to distribute, "How to vote
cards" for a soon to be called election.
Collingwood - Being stuck in the past they still think the 9th month of the
year is November, so that is when they talk finals, or it could be April.
Essendon - Enrol at a monastery where silence must be observed. No one
will notice the difference because if they miss the finals we won't hear
anything from their supporters anyway.
Fremantle - Go sailing, that way they might have a practical use for the
anchor they drag out each week.
Geelong - Go back to nature, well sort of, when they take a hands on role
with the artificial insemination of their stock
Hawthorn & St Kilda - Melbourne's version of the Ramsgate incident when
players and supporters from both teams make the same booking at Edward
Beale's Salon
Melbourne - Go to the finals, why else would one be a MCC member? The snow
has usually melted by then anyway.
Port Adelaide - Go to the SANFL finals and relive the days when they won
flags
Richmond - Attend a Aaron Baddely motivational seminar focusing on the power
of positive thinking. If you believe you will succeed, just ask the many
Australian female tennis pros who have attended this seminar or the Tiger
fans that went last year.
Sydney -Get a job in the real estate market to urge growth in the new
growing sports metropolis -Homebush
Bulldogs - Go to Sydney to play in the finals with their "brother" Bulldogs
in the NRL, sorry, think of something else.
West Coast - Go surfing and whinge about the AFL has destroyed the local
competition
Regards,
P.S. Due to technical errors last weeks entry was choked somewhere in the
ether of email, so please note this late but worthy entry.
Simon,
The keys to any mascot are acceptance, commonality, appeal and of course the
most important, merchandising!!!!!
WIth this in mind I put forward the mascot "Sport"
Sport is a dog of non-descript breeding, but somewhere in the mix are traits
of Blue Heeler, Kelpie and of course Labrador. Sport is the dog that
everyone remembers from childhood as the "knock-about" pet that was always
there, whether he was chasing the footy or cricket ball, barking at possums
or just getting in the way when you washed the car.
As sport was a "backyard" dog, the following marketable accessories (read
here merchandising opportunities) can be purchased to give you the full
Sport "experience", Hills Hoist, Victa Mower, Dad's Shed, BBQ, Uncle Bob's
old car, above ground swimming pool, Mum's vegie garden, Lemon Tree, Old
Outside Dunny, Aunty Marg's Prize Roses, Various parts of old bikes, etc.
In all there are 22 accessories for you to collect, each of which will be
sold each week of the footballing year. Of course when you buy your first
"Sport" you get that week's accessory free, (subsequent accessory purchases
could place the economy of a small Pacific nation in surplus for many years)
so how could you deny your children the pleasure of buying the "new"
accessory each week.
Sport and all the accessories will be branded with the new symbol of the
AFL. The symbol is a simple design, joining the objectives of the AFL. ,
Sport is the number one priority of the AFL, hence the name of the mascot.
With the facts showing that our nation is getting fatter, sport will reduce
this trend and get the kids back out in the parks where they should be.
Sport therefore will be incorporated into the logo by the letter S.
The second objective of the AFL is to be the Number 1 sport in the country
so the number 1 will be incorporated into the logo.
So when you combine the AFL objectives using the letter S and the number 1,
you get the logo that epitimises the future of the AFL...$
I trust you are well. Before the masses begin asking, I thought I would jump the queue and begin asking (not quite begging) for a wildcard to your end of season bash. My Aunty Lyn is a big fan of your show and is relying on me to go well enough in your competition this year so I couldperhaps invite her (and not the 22 year old Uni student I was drooling over at the Hawthorn last Sunday afternoon which totally disrupted me from watching the Showdown in Adelaide on the big screen, but that's another story) to your convention at Billy Bells.
Thanks in advance,
Matty Laing
Yarra valley Old Boys.
When it comes to handling a finals-free September you need go no further
than the long suffering Richmond fans of 1983, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90,
91, 92, 93, 94, 96, 97, 98, 99, 2000 and 2002.
We are experts when it comes to occupying long, boring, frustrating and
unfulfilling September days and nights.
Fans of clubs not used to twiddling their thumbs could try the following,
popular with Tiger fans of all ages.
*Finalise your hit list of players to trade, which you've been working on
since April (this is no joke - my husband does this every year!)
*Finalise your shortlist of new coaches which you've been working on since
May
*Pretend you never liked footy
*Move the lawn/clean the house/visit your parents for the first time since
February
*Go to the Melbourne Show on Grand Final day when there's no-one there
*Justify missing out on the Grand Final yet again by reasoning that you
wouldn't have been able to get tickets anyway
*Fly your family to Disneyland for a holiday - after all it would probably
be cheaper than taking them to the Grand Final!!!
Cheryl Critchley
1. Adelaide Pilgrimage to South Australia's "Graceland", The Ramsgate
2. Brisbane Extended sessions at the "Bird Watchers" and "Broadbeach"
3. Carlton Great Victorian Bike Ride
Turn left at Murray Bridge and keep going
4. Collingwood Visit "Magpie Land', visit "Bomber Land"
Bag Essendon champions by Collingwood standards
5. Essendon '84 Flag Reunion at "Vanders Place" BYO the 'usual'
6. Fremantle Pier Fishing
7. Geelong Great Ocean Road 'Pub Crawl' in any direction
8. Hawthorn Yabbying at VFL Park, gate 4, Bay 55, 3rd dam
9. Melbourne Peal off "Go Dees" sticker from vehicle and replace with
"Spring Carnival Member" sticker
Book appointment with Jerry the Milliner
10. Nth Melb Restock Safeway shelves
to pay for Grand Final Breakfast ticket
11. Port Power See Adelaide
12. Richmond Heavy involvement in country, provincial and city
greyhound racing circuit
13. St. Kilda Gather at the "Marine" Hotel
Discuss 2003 incoming recruits and rejects
14. Sydney Build confidence
Re-live Sydney Olympics
Watch re-runs of "They're a Weird Mob"
15. West Coast Hit the Scarborough waves with Tony, Scottie and No 7
16. Western Dogs Re-enact '85 "Trip Away", board fan bus to Albury
Footy Banter Team - Sydney
Nothing could be finer than to heading intoa finals series which will not include
Hawthorn and Shane "has he lost a step" Crawford.
Richmond and "I'll come good as soon as the Tigers are mathematically eliminated from contention" Richardson.
Carlton with a lock on the wooden spoon and the innersanctum at Princes Park in complete disary.
The 2 Adelaide teams having just about wiped out any chance of getting past the first round and the tribuanl about to finish them off completly.
Sydney, Fremantle, St Kildaand West Coast Gone.
The WesternBulldogs season was forgotten like a bad joke before we got out of August. The Kitty Cats have had their fun and are now being shownthe way back to the litter box from wence they came.
Melbourne doesn't have a player left over 6ft tall on the backline.
Essendon just barely making up thenumbers with Kevin "change the rules if they don't directly beneifit Essendon" Sheedy crying like a baby.
Eddiewood with a bad case of the wobbles shaking like a California earthquake.
That leaves us with a bunch of joey Kangaroos surviving on nothing but true Aussie spirit and a numbness that has lasted an entire season, showing little regard for pre season falls from grace, media speculation, out of contract coaches,breakdowns of vital playing pieces,an inability to operate at top gear for more than three quarters, and a dwindling supporter base. Them and a nasty pack of Lions that are as good as any team that has ever graced the paddock, with twin dynamos at every position who when they get rolling are as impossible to stop as a Mack truck on a 50% downgrade.
Who Cares what the rest of them are doing I'm going to see David vs Goliath,
the Tortise vs the Hare,
the 69 Mets vs the Detroit Tigers,
Joe Nameth and the NYJets vs the Baltimore Colts,
the Underdog vs the Overwhelming Force,
the Christans vs the Lions,
North Melbourne vs Brisbane on that last Saturday in September.
It just doesn't get any better than that!!!
Bob the Yank
Brissy Bears - The can Get Stuffed
Carl'woodenbloodyspoon'ton - They can Get Stuffed
Collinogood - They can Get Stuffed
Essington - They can Get Stuffed
Freo - They can Get Stuffed
Foot-a-scray - They can Get Stuffed
Squawkers - They can Get Stuffed
Smellbourne - They can Get Stuffed
Kanga we've got none - They can Get Stuffed
Yella and Slack - They can Get Stuffed
Sydney Poitier - They can Get Stuffed
Port Ballarat - They can Get Stuffed
West Boast - They can Get Stuffed
Saints Disco - They Can Get Stuffed
- Victor Horbour
- Hahndorf
- winery weekends in the Barossa
- opera, art galleries, piano concertos, etc
- fondue nights
- watch the Broncos
- visit Dreamworld (especially to see the Big Brother house)
- visit Seaworld
- watch the Bulls train at the GABBA
- contemplate back-to-back wooden spoons
- contemplate life without Sir Craig and with number 18 from North Melbourne (because they might de-list him, and guess who gets first draft pick!)
- dine out in Lygon Street
- coffee at Brunetti's
- long weekend afternoons browsing in Reading's
- blame the umpires
- vandalise the trains on the Hurstbridge & Epping lines
- get more tattoos, body piercing, etc
- read Chopper's latest book
- turn up at the MCG anyway because it couldn't possibly be true!
- watch the Calder Cannons
- watch St Bernards, Marcellin & Old Xavier in the A grade amo's
- what they've done every other year since they entered the competition !
- surf
- cruise the cappucino strip
- watch Geelong in the VFL
- prepare for the Royal Melbourne Show
- shop at RMWilliams
- go to cattle sales
- watch Box Hill Hawks in the VFL
- sausage sizzles
- burn off leaves in the gutter outside their inner Eastern suburban homes
- hedge burning (ex-Trinity grammar boys only)
- open days at inner Eastern private schools
- go to merger meetings
- contemplate life without number 18
- go to the North Melboune Grand Final breakfast
- the best snow is in September!
- watch Old Scotch (A grade amo's) and Old Melburnians (B grade amo's)
- shop at Henry Bucks
- meet at The Mebourne Club
- play the stock market
- holiday house down the peninsula
- rob houses
- get more tattoos
- go into training for the next meeting at the Ramsgate Hotel carpark
- eat their young
- watch the Coburg Tigers (they're third on the ladder you know!)
- petition club to allow KB to return
- agonise over whether Richo should stay or go
- stalk the players!
- "what's the AFL anyway?"
- discos
- skateboarding
- contemplate life without Loewe
- surfing off Cottesloe beach (watch out for those sharks!)
- reflect on their "tragic history"
- shop at Forges
- deal heroin in the Footscray mall
- watch Werribee in the VFL and the Western region finals
- get more tattoos
- watch wrestling videos
This song is about what Kevin Sheedy might do in September. It is to the tune of "With a little help from my friends".
Ê
of the finals without a good crack
Will I be bored around Melbourne in Spring?
No way cos I'll be at the track.
Ê
Yeah, I can't wait to get to the race-course
cos Belle-Esprit is a very good ho-oo-oo-orse.
that I was stuck out at the Wizard Cup?
This time I'm gonna be in the right place
so I can check out the form first up.
Ê
Oh, I'll get by with a lot of help from my horse
Why don't you follow me to the race course
and we will win a whole lot from my ho-oo-oo-oo-orse.
Kind regards
Peter Treseder