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DEAR SIMON,
One hundred people have been surveyed to ascertain their desired
cuisine.
The results proved that today’s supporter is unique in that they not only
decide by Tuesday which game they will attend for the upcoming weekend but
also (and, more importantly) precisely what they will consume at the game.
On the basis of this survey, I have created the Tailored Refreshment
Assistance Plan (TRAP). Here is how the simple, easy to use TRAP works.
A fan phones on Tuesday to book a ticket to a game; then they phone another
booking agency (the AFL MUST be seen to be multi-sourcing) to book their
refreshments. For example: they order a wholemeal baguette with smoked
salmon and sun dried tomato for $12.50 plus $6.00 booking fee, a bucket of
chips for $4.00 plus $6.00 booking fee and a light beer for $5.00 plus $6.00
booking fee. They head off to the game on the weekend without a care in the
world; queue at one gate to pick up the game tickets and at another for the
TRAP snack tickets and then off to their seat. When the electronic
scoreboard displays the TRAP ticket number, their snack is ready. They
quickly go from their seat high on the members’ wing to ground level outer
back flank to collect their prepaid goodies and all for under $40.
Now every bold, new plan has its detractors. Let me handle some of the
obstacles:
Some have been amazed at the $6.00 per item booking fee; but my budget
figures clearly show that it is possible to provide this wonderful service
for the low, low $6.00 booking fee. The secret is that the caterers, with
advance knowledge, can order precise quantities and there is zero wastage
this is brilliant, when you think about it!
Others may inquire about how the elderly would cope with the long walks to
get their snacks we have allowed for this and reduced their fee to $5.95.
Finally, if there are any queries re the service provided on the day, a
special 1 800 free call number has been assigned. All who phone this number
will receive a reply to their complaint within seven days at no extra cost.
I hereby recommend that THEY (and THEY know who THEY are) adopt this
strategic, targeted marketing proposal.
Doug (will eventually master email) Long
Colonial Menu
Round 13 will see the clash of Geelong and Western Bulldogs. Colonial will celebrate this match by acknowledging the diverse Asian culture that has found it's home in the Western suburbs of Melbourne. Every food outlet at Colonial stadium will produce the finest in Asian cuisine.
A special footy record will also be produced in honor of this match. This collector's item will contain a unique team sheet, as it combines the players' names with an authentic Asian menu. Spectators will be able to spot both Steve King and Andrew Wills, along with Combination Sate as number 1.
Geelong fans will delight at seeing Chicken and Cashews (32) digging the ball out from under the packs; while the every reliable Won Ton Soup (17) stands as a brick wall across half back.
Bulldog fans will be licking their lips at the sight of BBQ Pork Spare Ribs (25), marking strongly and running the ball out of defense. And who else would be making a mess of his opponent other than Beef and Black Bean (39).
Over bowls of Brad Scholl and Chris Grant, debate will rage at half time as to whether Special Fried Rice or Singapore Noodles is BOG.
All parties will monitor the success of this promotion very closely.
At the ever-controversial gates spectators will be handed a questionnaire - "Are you going for the Cats or the Dogs". Vline's marketing department will also be handing out the same questionnaire at Spencer Street Station.
The marketing people at the food outlets have asked if they could get some copies of the questionnaire.
BOM BOM!!!
Glenn Rogers
Simon, last week's winning entry and your Jack Nicholson and Kevin Costner
were so funny that if they don't put you in this week's promo you should
take it personally.
Suggestion for Colonial food serveries:
The menus should be available in braille - because obviously, since Colonial
keeps announcing the score after each quarter despite having scoreboards
everywhere you look, Colonial must think a large contingent of blind people
attend the footy
- which overlooks the fact that not knowing the score would be last on the
list of problems facing a blind person at the footy - WATCHING the footy
taking first place
- which is why there never ARE any blind people at the footy
- which is why they shouldn't announce the score after each quarter!
(QED)
Food options at Colonial:
A canny move for Colonial to win back the man in the street would be to let
him avoid GST on food purchases by having the raw materials available GST
free. He could then assemble his baguette/nori-roll/tandoori-wrap all by
himself. Communal tandoori ovens and complimentary bamboo sushi rollers
(with the Colonial logo) would be nice gestures to aid the process.
eg. You could start marinating your raw chicken in tandoori paste at the
first bounce (ie. while still outside in the queue), whack it in an oven at
quarter time, then skewer it to see if the juices run clear at halftime.
You then wrap your pitta bread around your chicken, rocket, semi-dried
tomatoes, and semicircle of preserved lemon, to exactly replicate the
gourmet Colonial snack, BUT you get to pocket the 40 cent GST saving.
How could this not bring crowds back to the footy?
Special menu items for specific team games:
ADELAIDE:
Tibaldi Salami and pork buns (any brand as long as they're from Springvale).
Wasabi disguised as guacamole would also go nicely on the nachos.
HAWTHORN:
"mum" food.
eg. rainbow greasewrapped Tip Top wholemeal sandwiches in which all 5 food
groups are represented.
Regards,
Stuart McArthur
Oysters Kilpatrick for Geelong. If the team is going well, scoff them all
down, and
go home after the match to create more cats supporters.
If the team is going badly, try to hit players on the head with the
shells.
For the kangaroos, eat a roo-burger. Extra-tough burgers can be sold
as Archer-Burgers.
Essendon could sell DONer kebabs with chili. These kebabs will be extra
spicey because
the dons are extra hot.
The West Coast could sell lunch packs of barramundi with a west coast
cooler at home games.
When away they should just sell 3 west coast coolers in the same lunch
pack to lessen the pain.
Adelaide could sell that blowfish that has to be cut a certain way,
otherwise it kills you. This is because
when they're good, it's very good. When they're bad, you might as well die
(thus selling the entire fish).
Brisbane should sell sleeping tablets, to allow supporters to be Alistair
Lynch for a day.
Carlton should sell Blues. Like their mascot, the blue can be something
bland, that most ppl will
think is stupid, but that the hard-core supporters will really like
regardless.
Collingwood should sell lamingtons. Black & white, traditional.
Melbourne should sell damper. Good, boring and australian. Like their
supporters!
Hope you like! I'd think of more but I have to work!
Andreas Sekeris
I have two suggestions for new food items at Colonial:
(1) Colonial Casserole-slow cooking-can be ordered when you join the queue
and it should be ready by the time you get to your seat,
(2) A Maguire Pie-a humble pie, unlike it's namesake, but with a taste that,
like it's namesake, keeps returning over and over.
Wayne Keys
The food counters at Colonial Stadium should be organised like a bank, due
to the Colonial name and all the queues.
These are the counters(tellers) you would choose from :
GENERAL ENQUIRIES : Queue here if you want to ask any questions like " Do
you sell hot dogs ?" or " Does sauce cost extra ?" or " Where do I find the
sugar ?"
Once you have an answer you head to the next counter(teller)
GENERAL ACCOUNTS : To buy all the usual footy fare such as pies, chips soft
drink and coffee. A very long queue.
INTERNATIONAL ACCOUNTS : To purchase foods such as baguettes, pizza and
focacia
Not a very long queue.
CORPORATE ACCOUNTS : Anything can be bought from this counter but you have
to have proof of being a corporate client or medallion club member. This
queue is never very long and no cash is required - card only.
SPECIAL ACCOUNTS : A counter for the special food of the day which depends
on what teams are playing. E.g. Kangaroos - Roo burgers
Fremantle - seafood
Richmond - Tiger prawns
Essendon - Bombe alaska
For those people who do not wish to wait in any of these queues they can
queue for the AFM's or Automatic Food Machines, located around the ground.
Swipe your membership card and these machines will dispense any food
requested and deduct the money from your bank account. A 50 cent
transaction fee applies.
From Paul Russo (3366 faction)
Some of the additions that could be made to Colonial's eateries are
-
For Adelaide games bars should be converted to wine and cheese tasting centres In addition pies should be replaced by of Pie Floaters.
-
Bring in "Soup Boy" from the 'G'
-
Bring in "Peanut Man" from the ground formerly known as Princess Park
-
Melbourne and Carlton supporters are used to more fine dining options and would be sure to enjoy something like Lemon peppered salmon with lemongrass & beetroot dressing or Grainfed Sirloin with a rich claret jus and red capsicum relish.
-
Geelong would require no food as their supporters are used to packing a cut lunch for the long trip up the Geelong road.
-
Brisbane - in recognition of Alistair Lynch, AIRLINE FOOD!
A joint effort this week.
Michele Blight & Wendy Moore
I think the tenant clubs should have different menu's to suit their list and
supporters.
As the Bombers continue to dazzle crowds and opposition teams, and there is
so much to choose from I think a Smorgasbord would suit. Tough, gritty no
frills casseroles at one end, Silky Smooth cocktails together with various
mixed nuts in the middle and rich, elegant seafood at the front.
The Kangaroos could look at the hand held pies. Like Kangaroo, Wallaby,
Cray ECT saving the Marlin, Buffalo, Lion ECT for the 'Big Game' Pies!
The Doggies are your more down to earth club, snags and rissole sandwiches
on level 1 and 4, and Gourmet Sausages ( inc Tofu) and Fillet Mignon and/or
Barramundi Rolls on the middle decks
The Saints remind us of the church, and the way they are travelling could
possibly expect smaller crowds so..........Ladies, please bring a plate.
From the 'Bump Terry Daniher up from King to God' Squad
Kevin Nolan
Hello Coodabeens
COLONIAL STADIUM FOOD
In line with the Doug Hawkins wing
for each of the Bulldogs home games
Each home team would have its own fare.
CATS CAFE
serving feline delicacies such as
smoked salmon rolls,
tuna salad sandwiches,
sardines on toast,
EACH MEAL SERVED WITHA SAUCER OF MILK
LA BOMBERETTA
serving Mediterranean dishes in the traditional of Keilor Road.
focaccia, pizza, pasta, and fresh chiabatta rolls
SPECIAL DESSERT: MASHMALLOWS
DOGGIES DINER
serving such canine treats as
lamb and rice,
beef and vegetables,
chunky meat balls and pasta
WHATEVER YOU CAN'T EAT YOU CAN TAKE HOME IN A DOGGIE BAG
ST KILDA SALAD BAR
serving a selection of salads
Greek Salad,
Waldorf Salad,
, Caesar Salad
all with a squeeze of lemon
SPECIAL DESSERT: BOARDING HOUSE PUDDING
Thanks Coodabeens
Kind Regards
Peter O'Sullivan
Hello Coodabeens,
COLONIAL STADIUM FOOD
-
PEANUTS, PEANUTS
Saturday Afternoon Games between two Victorian Clubs
Have a man walking around the ground selling peanuts.
We can all remember the call PEANUTS, PEANUTS
at the suburban grounds during the 70's and 80's.
-
MATCHDAY MENU
With no curtain raiser before the main game,
the pre match crowd could be entertained watching Iain Hewitson
on the big screen as he prepares the matchday menu.
Iain would prepare a different matchday menu for each game.
A special matchday menu fact sheet would appear in the footy record.
We would learn the origins of each dish, and be given a breakdown of the
nutritional value of each meal.
-
THE SUNDAY ROAST
For games played on a Sunday afternoon.
Margaret Fulton prepares a traditional Sunday roast lunch for the fans.
A choice of roast lamb, roast pork or roast chicken with veggies and gravy.
A free recipe card would be inside the footy record.
-
THE QUEUE KTCHEN
For those fans stuck in the queue outside the ground
after the start of the match.
The queue kitchen would serve free soup to those fans
unable to get into the ground, just as the soup kitchens
of the depression years fed people unable to get a job.
-
THE CARPARK CAFE
For fans stuck in the carpark after the game.
Cafe Latte and Foccacia would help sustain irate fans
trapped in the Colonial Stadium carpark after the game
as they wait for the traffic in LaTrobe Street and Footscray Rd. to clear.
Have a great show Coodabeens
Kind Regards
Peter O'Sullivan
Dear Simon,
The Colonial Stadium must try to win back the support of the "traditional
core" supporter, this means going back to what was popular with the common
family. Food plays an essential roll (ha ha) in this endeavour.
When footy was a much simpler affair and less profit orientated, families
brought their own food to the football. I am sure this continues, however
there has got to be those little extras available at the ground.
First off there should be a sausage sizzle going on outside the ground or
even in front of the dressing rooms run by the mums and dads of the players
to help the club meet the costs of the new witches hats (or ice vests for the hot weather).
You can purchase a basic overcooked sausage with bread for $1.00. Plenty of
tomato sauce (and only tomato sauce) should be available and optional onions do
not incur any additional costs. This keeps the kids happy until they get into the ground
and most dads always want one anyway, even if the football basket containing
the thermosk (sic) is full of home prepared treats and snacks.
The next thought of food, once seated should only be at half-time when mum
and dad will have a cup of tea or coffee from the thermosk. Vendors
therefore should target this market and take into account the changing
desires of children and provide the following:
Jaffa Cakes and Jam Fancies, for mum and dad to have with their cuppa. In
the corporate areas where expense has no bounds, mint slices or the full
range of assorted creams should be available.
The weather, or more importantly at Colonial, whether the roof is open or
shut dictates what kids want. If the roof is shut and therefore the weather
cool, Wagonwheels (the original big ones) should be available for the kids,
for they are nearly a meal by themselves. If the roof is open and therefore
the weather warm kids should be able to choose from the following frozen
treats, Sunny Boy, Razz, Big Daddy or Glug.
On a less pleasant subject, that is completely opposite to eating, I am sure
Colonial could provide Colonic Irrigation to those patrons who over indulge
themselves on the wide range of foods available now or in the future. Maybe
this practice was already occuring during the recent Melbourne/West Coast
clash.
Finally, to satisfy the Tenant clubs -
St Kilda - with due reverence to
Massive Merv, the one food missing off the menu is the deep fried Mars bars.
In actual fact, for all St Kilda home games, the option of wacking any foodstuffs
in the deep frier, after a generous coating of beer batter should be available.
What could be better than a deep fried chiko roll dipped in beer batter and
double deep fried.
Geelong - This foodstuff is already on the menu, however for Geelong home games
they should be referred to by their correct name - hand bagettes.
It is best that I have sent this entry via email because this way the sugar
and scorching hot jam from my hot donuts, purchased outside the ground after
the game, doesn't stop my pen from working, although it does tend to clog
the keyboard.
Sincerely,
Matt Cronin
Hi Coodabeens,
I listen to your show as often as I can, and think it is one of the funniest
and cleverist shows around.
Here is my entry for this weeks competition, regarding what food
could/should be served at Colonial Statdium.
The menu would be based upon which teams are playing. Some food reflects
the actual team, some food is a reflection of the teams supporters.
Adelaide - Their supporters don't deserve food.
Brisbane - Viagra pills. Rose sharply last year, but have been a total flop
this year
Carlton - Winnie Blue cigarettes, by order of the president.
Richmond - VB stubbies.
Collingwood - VB cans (easier to throw).
Essendon - Blue Ribbon Icecream.
Fremantle - Anything connected with Pokemon. For their batch of youngsters
Geelong - Bread and butter. After years of disappointment, the basics in
life will do.
Hawthorn - Lamb Roast. The family meal
Kangaroos - Lemon Ruski and Bicardi Breezer for their large female fanbase.
A 6 pack of each should suffice their huge legion of fans.
Melbourne - Caviar and french champagne. Self explanitory.
Port Adelaide - Pie with sauce. The workman's lunch.
St Kilda - The latest McDonalds hamburger. Promises something different,
but in the end, serves up the same old crap.
Sydney - Popcorn, because their fans are still a bunch of theatre goers.
Western Bulldogs - Tequilla slammers. Initially appealing, but end up
leaving you light headed with a bitter taste in your mouth.
West Coast - Soggy sandwiches and cold coffee. As exciting as their style
of play during the 90's.
Entry By: Travis Bull formally the now defunct "Darren Wheildon Sue
your Hairdresser action faction" I decided to come out of retirement
and go for a solo competition career.
Entry:
In an exclusive for the coodabeens I have obtained a copy of the
proposed media advertisement with some interesting menu items for the
Melbourne v Brisbane Game at colonial stadium on the 15th of May.
Supporters Bulletin
"Stink out the stadium night"
Relive the Helcian smells of 3 weeks ago stinkfest at the docklands
only this time were shutting the roof.
We have developed a Special once off Menu to commemorate the night
Medallion club - Restaurant style Chile Con Carne
A Reserve - Beef Vindaloo complete with pupadums(extra spicy)
General Admission (for the average punter)
- Gourmet Backed bins each shaped to resemble Wayne
Jacksons head in an authentic Football shaped tin
- Colonial stadium Pie Floater (roof of the pie is optional)
Waiting in the Cue - extra salty popcorn
And don't forget the free half time gardening exhibition with Gold
Logie runner up and all round super celebrity Don Burke (Sponsored by
Dynamic Lifter fertilizer)
Also you can Waft along with Willis before the game
Special offer : Every Kid that brings a plunger gets in for free
Dear Coodabeens,
Thank you very much for broadcasting my two entries on last week's show.
They were the 50/50 50 metre penalty(letter) and the Amobae for tribunal
experts. I'm now going for a hatrick and I hope you will consider this entry
for a novel food/drink at the footy.
My suggestion for an appropriate food and beverages are;
A three course meal consisting of;
Entree: Prawn cocktail in a choice seafood sauce.
Main meal: Chicken dumplings in an apple sauce with honeyed carrots and a
generous serve of greens.
Desert: Sticky date pudding with a moconna coffee and an after dinner mint.
This meal will be served with Dom perigon in the finest crystal glass and
the meal will be served on a wooden platter hand carved from master
craftsmen of the Blackforest. Price $2000 which is the price of a pie and
soft drink anyhow!
Thanks again
I have had a lot of fun
Paul Hetrelezis (Hetrel-ez-is)
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