Omeo Oboe

The unofficial publication of the Coodabeen Champions (ex Cavendish Bugle, Trumpet, Manangatang Horn)

The Coodabeens- making sense of the nonsensical

I was preparing to interview a leading player this week when he arrived early. Unbeknownst to both he and I, the tape recorder was on. I decided to keep the material but use a fictitious name, something like Wayne Buckled.

OO: Gidday. Come on in.

WB: Gidday Knackers, I’m glad I could make it When do you want to start?

OO: Shortly. Want a coffee?

WB: Nah, a beer would be good though. VB’ll do. Been a journo for long?

OO: Nah, just making it up, you know how it is. Do you like your job?

WB: What? Playing footy? Geeze, that Beer ‘s cold.

OO: Footy, do you like it these days?

WB: Sure I do. It’s great, although the whole carry on gets to me.

OO: Carry on?

WB: Yeah, y’know, all the associated paraphernalia. Dieticians, psychologists, people who make you stretch all the time, they gimme the shits. All I want to is train hard so I can play my best footy. I eat well, but at every turn I’m told what to eat, when to eat it, when to run, when to stretch, when to crap. I hate it. They know nothing about footy and all they do is give every player the shits.

OO: What do you really think?

WB: Well it does make you wonder why you play the game when you’ve got these twats telling you what to do all the time. I wish I could tell them to F off but the club would accuse me of being unprofessional and fine me.

OO: Fine you?

WB: Yep. I once did a crap half and hour before a game one day and was fined for losing vital bodily fluids too close to game time. Fair dinks.

OO: Struth.

WB: Look, I don’t want to whinge, but I am a professional player only because I am paid to play. Train hard, play hard and eat well, that’s all we need. Do clubs really require a throng of twits telling us that? I wish they would all flock off and leave us alone.

OO: I reckon you’re right. They must really get on your nerve. Then there are the umpires.

WB: The Umpires, nah, they’re okay, except some whinge too much.

OO: Whinge? Umpies? Surely not.

WB: Yeah. Precious little prats. There is no way any player would deliberately hurt an Umpie or bump into one, no way. We have always bumped into each other accidentally. It’s a nothing issue. The sensible umpires know it but some of the new one’s area wee bit precious. When do you want to start the Interview?

OO: Nah, it’s okay, let’s go for a hit of golf instead.

WB: Sounds good to me. Another beer?

OO: Sure. Here you go, catch.

WB: What a catch! Thanks a lot.

OO: No, thank you. Thank you very much.

The editorial team at The Trumpet will release the official end of season Awards in a few weeks time. Sacred cows will be slaughtered and seared over hot coals.

Bomber jackets are shocking, as is the ‘Trackie top’ worn over a shirt and tie. Could someone please get the players sorted, especially when on TV.

"$486.30 (incl.GST)" A. Gubb - Plumber.

Battered old mongrel with rough head requires a short-term residency at an interstate retirement village. VHP (Very Handy Player)and is a master at training younger pups in the fine art in short left jabs. 214 gamer with a solid 40 odd left in the tank. Offers above 240K accepted graciously. Call Gimme 10 (%) Sports Management for details.

Leading provincial club requires the services of an outstanding individual with links to the Almighty. Recently lost two important religious figures leaving the Club bereft of spiritual guidance. Persons answering to the name of Allah, Jesus, The Big Fella, Jehovah or Kevin need only apply.

Financially secure and successful club wishes to trade experienced players for early draft picks. Players of an exceptional quality with failing bodies and those on the periphery who others believe ‘can play’ will be offered willingly. Send all offers to PO Box 5, Essington.

Outstanding opportunity exists for a leading Melbourne club (take note Essington and Carlton) to enter trade negotiations with my current club. I am a club captain, multiple B &F winner, All
Australian and am among the game’s elite. Sick and tired of rebuilding phases and require immediate premiership gratification. I wish to remain anonymous but may return to the Brisbane Bears if they require my services. Call 28257 (Bucks) if interested.

A throng of young fit fellows with blue eyes and blonde hair (each with their own quiver of surfboards) require immediate relocation to the eastern states. An average of 44 AFL games each has provided them with a solid grounding, however, all believe a change of club will enhance their reputations. The capital of Australia is a preferred destination as all have acting aspirations. Call the Fremantle Football Club for a complete list (36 available).

I am charismatic commentator with vast reservoirs of experience requires media outlet to show wares. Experienced in, and an expert on, all things football. Commonly referred to as a ‘character’ with much loved by the raters. Licensed boundary rider. Call me. Call me now.

A Melbourne footballer was suspended from the club for dawdling during a club time-trial. In a brief statement to the press the unnamed player said; " Seeing as I’m just off crutches it’s a wee bit harsh".

Speaking of horse racing, what is a welter? Why can more than one person play Monopoly? If Trivial Pursuit is played for money, is it still trivial? No! Eels are not baby seals. Yes! Of course that’s true. The Cloud of Secrecy was unveiled yesterday over a glorious city backdrop. Five great songs- Atlantic City, Anchorage, Great Leap Forward, Unbelievable (by the next Beatles, eh! Tony) and Flesh & Blood. Crackers all.

Tim Goddard 0418 309 343. Keep the Seagulls where they are! Paint the Plimsoll! Shiver my Timbers! Fore an’ aft the mainsail! Lock ‘n’ load, let’s go.

.