The French (Is.) Horn

The unofficial publication of the Coodabeen Champions (ex Cavendish Bugle, Trumpet, Manangatang Horn, Omeo Oboe)

The Coodabeens- stopping at nothing to deliver mediocrity.

Take a good whiff, go on, suck it in and give it a good smell. Aaah, do you smell it? I do, and the smell of finals fever has no equal. It’s essence is a delicate blend of the odour emanating from the ocean on a cold and misty morn and the scent of a Bouvardia in full bloom. It is quite invigorating.

Smell as it does, the waft of finals fever is a lure that entraps many a unsuspecting player, coach or seasoned supporter. It loosens the moral fibre that binds society and creates a flurry of indiscriminate behaviour that would not be tolerated normally. Lead floats, fish sink. Its effects are wide reaching, and costly for many, yet its yearly outbreak is nestled firmly in the bosom of the loving footballing mother.

The fever is nurtured and caressed, until, suddenly, it’s gone. Vanished, only returning again, early in September the following year.

Whilst we’re gripped in it’s devilish curse, let’s devour each and every lamb rack on jus, chicken a la lad-ies and tepid red, for these are the only known cure to the dreaded Finals Fever (aside from your side winning the flag).

In what should prove to be ‘Footballs Night of Nights’, the Coodabeens have released the line up for their annual Conference. Rumours abound that Tony Leonard will attempt the full version of Stairway to Heaven, despite pleas form Amnesty International lawyers condemning the move. The jovial Coodabeens will be amiably supported by a re-formed Eucalyptus, Big Kev, George Grilisich, Willo, Warnie and Laurie Lawrence. It should be a cracker.

Inanimate objects have no soul, they are devoid of life. More often than not they are useless nouns. Adjectives, too, describe things well, it’s what they do. Let us pray that any actual life form wins the AFL flag - a Swan, Bear, Lion, Hawk, Tiger or Crow. Not an inanimate Bomber, Power or Blue.

I was whacking a golf ball on the banks of the Mighty Murray last weekend (and was she mighty!), and it was great. I learnt that the Funeral Industry has been flat over the last couple of years but, at last, some growth is returning to the market (true!). I am also perplexed at the notion that a ball can be hit five times and travel 500 m for the desired result yet it can take upto 4 strikes of the aggot for the ball to travel ten feet! Stupid game. Stupid.

There has been an email doing the rounds (eh Eddie) on how to explain AFL sides to a soccer supporter. This presupposes some soccer knowledge on behalf of an AFL supporter. What if the AFL supporter has no idea about soccer? What then? Well, I am glad you asked. Everyone eats and food is an international language.

Adelaide: Bikkies, cheese and Chardonnay.

BrisVegas: Seafood cocktail

Carlton: Fondue (thinks itself to be classy but is actually crass).

Collingwood. Bangers and mash.

Essington: Haggis (only liked by a sect).

Footscray: Pie, sauce, VB, Winnie blue.

Fremantle: BBQ, beer & beach cricket.

Geelong: Lamington

Hawthorn: Spag bol. (boring but loved by families).

North Melbourne: Cheese sanga (all they can afford. They toast it on special occasions!)

Melbourne: Beef Wellington (Parade)

Port Adelaide: Pie Floater (only locals ‘get it’.)

Richmond: Souffle (always look good early in the baking process but often fails at the end).

St Kilda: Maccas (quick & easy fixes never satisfies the hungry fans)

Sydney: Surf ‘n’ Turf (or Beef ‘n’ Reef) — Devoured at the Rooty Hill RSL.

West Coast: Black Pudding (despised by most)

In the recruiting coup of the Century, Wayne Carey is set to join Carlton.

An international panel of experts declared the following were not, or ever have been sports —Triathlons, motor racing, fishing, anything X-treme, dancing, underwater anything, surfing, wind surfing, skiing (of all sorts), ice skating, walking, gymnastics, discus, javelin, shot-put, boxing, pole vault, swimming, diving, hammer throw, triple jump, anything involving cards, shooting, basketball and sailing. Most are modes of transport, others disciplines we could well do without.

A panel expert was quoted as saying; "Recreational activities that are undertaken in a competitive environment does not automatically qualify them as a sport. More often than not it disqualifies them".

Are the Goodwill Games a sequel to Goodwill Hunting or am I mistaken?

Don’t you love the traditional Round 22 biffo! It rocks and long may it live. I’m just waiting for a retiring player to go out in a blaze of glory and refuse to turn up to the Tribunal. Now that would be bringing back some traditional footballing values.

Billy Thorpe has re-released his hit single, "Boat people I know think that they should swim for it".

What are the odds on Geelong vs Carlton at the security infested Colonial next year?

Is it jus me, or does everyone think the Tom Petty song ‘Refugee’ is bound to get a run shortly on any nightly news (at the end)?

A Fans Ombudsmen? Why not? There is an Ombudsman for everything else these days.

I don’t understand the final eight.

Confused, Basyswater

The Umpies always crucify us.

Angered, Abbotsford

The AFL has got it in for us!

Conspiracy, Braybrook.

Do Carlton ever stop whingeing? Thy’re almost as bad as the English!

Shirtfront, Newtown.

Mad Monday

It’s started again, the annual piss up. All of these footballers who have been off the squirt for months are set free on the pubs, clubs and race tracks of Melbourne. Headlines in the ‘little paper’ cannot be far away. Do they have to use so much gel in their hair?